December 29, 2011
We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.
December 27, 2011
I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.
December 25, 2011
I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!
December 24, 2011
The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.
December 22, 2011
I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.
December 21, 2011
I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.
December 16, 2011
Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".
December 16, 2011
Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.
December 15, 2011
Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.
December 14, 2011
I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".
December 10, 2011
Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.
December 09, 2011
Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.
December 08, 2011
Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.
December 06, 2011
While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.
December 05, 2011
Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.
December 03, 2011
I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.
December 01, 2011
The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.
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