The Price is Wrong, Bitch!

Ok, now that I’m retired from the music game, I have some free time to immerse myself in the iTunes app store. If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch then this post may be of interest to you. If you don’t, then maybe it’s time for you to put down your outdated piece of shit phone, grow a pair and head on out to the Apple store to get hooked up.

Here is a list of my top 10 apps. Keep in mind that I am not a full fledged app geek, and I’m sure there are a ton of great apps that are not listed here. Please feel free to leave a comment with your favorites.

I am omitting the obvious stuff like Google and Facebook and trying to dig just a smidge deeper into the catalog. Did I really just say smidge? Am I a 50 year old housewife who got her own cooking show? “Bake at 425 and then add a smidge of cinnamon to top it off”. Shoot me now!

10. FML (Fuck My Life) – I like this app when I need a little pick me up during the day. Here is one of my favorites: “I was messing around with my boyfriend who was ignoring me and I said to him ‘you could at least pretend to love me’ and he replied ‘I pretend to love you all the time’ -FML”

9. The Price is Right – This app has everything except the fat fucks with the retarded homemade t-shirts sloppily rolling down the aisle to contestant row. You get to “come on down”, play some classic games like Plinko, spin the big wheel and rock the showcase showdown. What more do you want for the sale price of $.99. Just don’t bid a dollar for this one or you’ll get the dreaded “ehh-ehh-ehh, sorry you’ve all over bid”.

8. Toobz – Even though I often have a large exposed crack, I am not an actual plumber. In this puzzle game, you connect various shaped pipes to try and get the water off of the grid. Just like in real life, don’t lay your pipe the wrong way or things could get drippy.

7. Lyrics+ - This is a new one for me, but it shows the lyrics to the songs you play from your music library. This is a great app for settling disputes over misheard lyrics. “Did he just say ‘tip them in the bacon cut?” “Uh, no he said “tip ‘em and they make a cut”. Good, cuz a dollar bill jammed into your bacon cut might pinch a little.

6. Stone Loops! - I have to admit I was skeptical of this one at first. It sounded, for lack of a better phrase, really fucking gay, but once I played it, I was in the game. It has the old Space Invaders game concept of destroying all of them before they destroy you. If you have a nice long drive or flight coming up, this one will kill the time like a bullet to Morris Day's temple!

5. Flight Control – I always thought that I had the personality to be a air traffic controller, but it’s obvious after playing this game that I’ve killed way too many brain cells to be in that profession. This game makes you land various aircraft of different sizes and speeds onto the appropriate areas of the screen. Just like learning a foreign language, it seems easy at first but after a few minutes you are fucked.

4. iheartradio – I’ve lived in various parts of the country over the years, and in each city I’ve found at least one radio station that wasn’t total dog shit. This app lets you listen to radio stations from different cities. It really takes me back in time to when I was a poor Mexican child listening to La Bomba while picking oranges in East L.A.

3. Wurdle – Change the settings to 6x6 and make the shortest word 4 letters and you are ready to rock this Boggle rip off. My grandmother just turned 169 and she stays sharp by doing crossword puzzles. Well, that and masturbating twice a day, but hey who doesn’t do that right? I use this game instead of doing crossword puzzles to focus the mind, and make myself feel smart while making the wife feel dumb.

2. Paper Toss – This is yet another app that my brother turned me onto. If Wurdle sharpens your mind like a number two pencil, then this will break the point off and make you dumber than Daisy from VH1. This game is addictive like huffing paint, and it kills about as many brain cells, but you find yourself coming back to it over and over again. You flick a wadded up paper ball into a waste basket while adjusting for wind that comes from a fan. Like my daughter says while quoting Yo! Gabba, Gabba “Try it you’ll like it!”

1. Shazam – This is the fucking rock star of the app store. You click it, hold your phone up to any music that is playing and it gives you the artist, album, lyrics and lets you buy it immediately. I was on the shitter the other day and a commercial came on with a tune that I liked and I had the song on my iPhone before I flushed. That my friends, is what you call a cock strong, game changing app, and get this, it’s free.

So there you have it my top 10 apps. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to pass on this showcase showdown and pray for a new car and a Broyhill Dinette set in the next one.