Touch Gloves and Come Out Fighting!

My brother-in-law and I often battle about stupid topics ad nauseum. It's usually after we are half in the bag and exhausted from playing 200 games of billiards and a few hundred songs of pool stick guitar hero. Here are some recaps of the battles over the years.

(Men) When urinating do you go "over the top" or "snake it though"?
Erik's Position: I'm a snake it through guy. Unbuttoning your pants to take a piss just seems like a lot of wasted time and effort, especially when you are at a ball game or concert. I actually have a few pairs of these idiotic underwear that don't have the opening in the front. I am forced to go over the top and I curse them every time I have them on. Of course being a guy, I only buy underwear when there is a change in presidential administrations, so I am getting psyched for next January! The nice thing about worn in underwear is that there's no guess work when putting them on, yellow in the front and brown in the back.

The one exception I have to the snake it through rule, is the morning boner piss. You have no choice but to go over the top for that one, and what god-forsaken act of mother nature bullshit is that anyway? Ok, when men wake up let's make them have to pee really badly, and then give them morning wood. Damn you external genitalia! Damn you to hell!

Bruce's Position: Dude, you're totally gay if you spend time diddling yourself through the cotton slits, or if you use the term external genitalia.


Spin-off question: (Men) When urinating in the middle of the night do you stand or sit?
Erik's Position: I used to stand, until Larry David showed me the error of my ways. I used to stumble into the bathroom half-awake, leave the light off and pray that I heard water hitting water. When I heard water hitting paper, I adjusted, then I heard water hitting dry-wall, I adjusted again, until I hit the bulls-eye. Then, in the morning the toilet area had that nice dark yellow urine sheen, like I accidentally shot off 3 rounds from a paintball gun.

After watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" I started sitting down in the middle of the night. What a revelation! No more paintball mishaps, and I barely have to be awake. Plus, being lazy by nature this is a no-brainer.

Bruce's Position: Dude, you're totally gay if you sit down to piss, regardless of the time of day.

Do real men drink wine or beer?
Erik's Position: I used to be Mr. beer. I was even a home-brewer back in the day when micro-brews first started popping up. Even though most of it tasted like ass, I'd drink it and go, "Man, that really is good". Then at parties, I could wow everyone by talking about hops and malts. "You really have to try this stout I made last week. The dark chocolately finish is superb". Yeah, I was a total tool. At some point I made the transition to wine, and here are my talking points whenever I find myself on the defensive about my drink of choice.

1. I don't have to piss. So at concerts and sporting events, I never have to hit the head
2. Being twice the alcohol content of beer, I achieve my alcoholic goals much faster
3. I don't get bloated and full drinking wine the way I do pounding beers.
4. I consume less calories
5. It's cheaper in the long run

I will admit that I do feel a little self-conscious being at hockey games or dive bars with my little cup of chardonnay. And it can be a tad bit emasculating when Amy orders a beer and I get a wine and the waiter puts the drinks down in front of the wrong person. However, in the privacy of my home I proudly let the fermented grape flow. Of course I have a huge glass that holds an entire bottle, so I don't have to go to the fridge every 15 seconds. You know what they say about guys with huge wine glasses? They're still gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

Bruce's Position: Dude, you're totally gay if you drink wine, especially white wine.


Should Men Get Pedicures?
Erik's Position: Dude, you're totally gay if you get pedicures.

Bruce's Position: If having a petite Asian woman massage my feet for fiteen minutes after cleaning up the fungus ridden nails on the end of my ten inch toes is gay, then put the rainbow sticker on my car right now.

Should men order a breakfast combo called the "Light and Fancy"?
Erik's Position: Dude, you're totally gay if you order anything called a light and fancy. Go sit in the car until you are ready to man up and order the lumberjack.

Bruce's Position: At the old Virginia Kitchen, or VK if you will, this is the bees knees. I don't need all the heavy stuff like pancakes and biscuits and french toast, I just need something to start my day. The light and fancy is the perfect breakfast.


Now that I've actually put our arguments down in black and white, or should I say studly blue and whiny bitch pink, they sound a lot like the 40 Year Old Virgin's scene where they play "You know how I know you're gay?". Coincidentally, after Bruce and I watched that scene, we sent the wives out to Target to get us t-shirts and iron-on's, so we could make shirts with our own faces on them like Paul Rudd. Of course we were a bit under the influence, which made our t-shirts that much sweeter. I'm just glad we didn't do the same thing after watching "Dude, Where's My Car?".

Amy and Jen's Postion: Bruce and Erik are both totally gay for making those stupid ass shirts, and arguing for hours about pissing techniques.

The new blog record for using the word "gay" in one post now stands at 8.