Twenty Bucks - A History Lesson

I got some money out of the ATM this weekend and this strange looking bill ended up in my huge wad of cash. It was a twenty dollar bill from 1934. I ran home all excited, like Ralphy looking for his Ovaltine decoder ring, and Googled it to see what it was worth. You know what a twenty dollar bill from 1934 is worth: That's right, twenty bucks. What a gip!

I wonder how many wallets this bill has been in over the past 74 years. Most likely it was just in some dude's bank in Arlington, VA, but that would be too boring. I decided to give my $20 bill some personality and a history. It helps if you read this post with Alec Baldwin's Royal Tenenbaums voice-over in your head, as he was in mine the entire time I wrote it. Here is what I like to think it was used for over the years:

1934 - Washington DC - Hot off the presses this twenty dollar bill ends up in the hands of the Speaker of the House, Joseph Byrnes, who spends it on a one-legged whore named Edith. Six months later she dies from tuberculosis. On her death bed she mentions that it was the best twenty dollars she ever made, and that in heaven she's going to use it to by a pair of shoes so she can play hopscotch.

1939 - Baltimore, MD - Soda Jerk, Joseph Garret finally got the nerve up to ask out this peach, Jennie Hoover, who came in every Friday night and had a root beer float with her two unattractive friends, Mary and Joanie. With the twenty bucks he buys two tickets for "The Wizard of Oz" and a box of Milk Duds at the Senator theater in Baltimore, MD. The two marry and a few years later have a son, John. In 1944 Garret is shipped off to Germany where he dies in the Battle of the Bulge, not from enemy fire, but from choking on a milk dud.

1959 - Philadelphia, PA - Hawaii and Alaska gain official statehood. Housewife, Marion Jenkins buys a comemorative coin set from the Philadelphia mint, using a twenty dollar bill her husband gave her for groceries. When her husband comes home, he is so upset at her frivoulous spending that he beats her to death with a ceramic Elvis plate that she bought the week before. As Heartbreak Hotel plays softly in the background, he takes a drink of whiskey, feeds the dog and then hangs himself in the garage.

1969 - Woodstock, NY - Bobby Jones decides that it's time he gets out of his po-dunk hick town in Vermont, and at the last minute heads to Woodstock for the big music festival. Using a twenty dollar bill he got for washing cars that summer, he buys some brown acid off of a girl he meets while bathing in the lake. Being a huge fan of the Who he decides to take it just before their set, and as the they launch into "Magic Bus" Bobby goes into a diabetic coma and dies. The last words he hear's are "I want it, I want it, I want it...You can't have it!"

1977 - Queens, NY - Christien Freund is excited for her date with fiancee John. She isn't really into boxing movies, but agrees to see "Rocky" on John's insistance. Since she saw the movie he wanted to see, she makes him go to the dancing hall afterwards. As they stroll back to the car, she sees a scarf in the window and decides to spend twenty dollars on it. Fifteen minutes later she is gunned down by David Berkowitz AKA the "Son of Sam". The scarf was unable to stop the life-taking bullets.

1980 - New York City, NY - In the bathroom at Studio 54 Kathy Hilton does a line using a twenty dollar bill and hands it to her friend, who in turn does a line and then pockets the twenty. On the way home Kathy remembers that she is supposed to pick up her birth control pills, but doesn't have any cash, so she skips the errand. A bit tipsy from the club, Richard amorously takes Kathy from behind in their walk-in closet. This error in judgement results in the conception of a child, and tragically the world will have to pay for their irresponsibility in ways that are too unimaginable to mention.

1995 - Los Angeles, CA - Nicole makes a phone call to Mezzaluna restaurant and requests that Ron, a waiter there, bring a pair of sunglasses to her home. Ron collects his final check of the night which includes a $40 tip comprised of two twenty dollar bills, and heads for Nicole's home. Unfortunately, someone was waiting for them, a large African-American male, who then stabs them multiple times resulting in their deaths. Some speculate that the killer wore #32 for the Buffalo Bills in the 70's, and others speculate that he was an athlete who did some acting work in movies like "The Naked Gun". We may never know who killed Nicole and Ron, but we do know that her ex-husband OJ Simpson is out there looking for the real killer or killers.


2008 - Sterling, VA - A man in his mid-thirties badly in need of a haircut, gets up early and arrives at the Hair Cuttery as it opens. He is asked to sit down and a middle-eastern woman begins trimming his long, thick flowing locks. She mentions that he could have been Patrick Swayze's hair double in the 80's, something he has been told several times before. After an invigorating shampoo, he pays the lady and leaves the store. The bank is right next door and so he hits the drive-thru ATM for a quick two hunge. Being OCD, he straightens his bills and puts the older bills in the back. Something catches his eye, an old twenty, and I mean really old, like Pat McMahon old. It's a twenty from 1934. The man rushes home all excited, like Ralphy looking for his Ovaltine decoder ring. Opening Google he types in "What is a 1934 $20 worth?" You know what a twenty dollar bill from 1934 is worth: That's right, twenty bucks. What a gip!