First, I lost my my front license plate in the collision, which means I was off to the Virginia DMV. I thought this was going to be a nightmare, but it was quite the opposite. At the Tysons DMV they grill hotdogs and burgers free while you wait, and then they give you a massage if your fees are over $100. How great is that? Well, it would be great if that were true.
I went on a Monday morning at 10:30 am, and I was in and out like a two inch pecker. I have to give props to a positive DMV experience and a big shout out to Aandeleeb Gupta for hooking me up with new plates. I was going to get personalized plates, but IB6UB9 and OUDODOU were already taken, so I went with XXA4673. I know, nice choice. How am I going to remember that one? Oh wait I got it, just like my ex-girlfriend "2 times a hore". I'll spell it out for my challenged readers: 2 times = XX; a = a; hore = 4673 on a telephone keypad.
Second, the body shop lost my keyless entry. How am I supposed to find my car at airports, sporting events and concerts if I can't hit the panic button and set off my alarm? You can't expect me to actually remember wher I parked after a few beers and the excitement of the night. This has happened to me 4 times and it has sucked ass every time.
The Memphis Blues
Amy and I were in Memphis for a pre-season Steelers/Titans game back in the day, when we split up from our ride and forgot where we parked the car. This was before cell phones, and the Liberty Bowl isn't exactly where you want to be lost after dark. Let's just say when the sun goes down in Memphis it gets really dark, really fast, if you know what I mean. I looked in my "Blues Clues" notebook and it said we parked in a big grassy field, but after that I had nothing. About 90 minutes after the game, we're cold, starving and feeling like Tom Hanks in "Castaway", when a pair of headlights finally pulls up behind us. Before I could yell "Run, it's a Drive-By", we heard our names being called. What a relief! We were saved.
The Pepsi Center Debacle
Chid and I went to see the Pens play the Avs, but in the excitement of getting into the game neither of us made a mental note of where we parked. We leave the game a little early hoping to beat traffic and as we get to the parking lot the panic starts to kick in. "Dude, I don't remember where we parked." The game ends and cars start streaming out of the lot. The choices are getting fewer and fewer, like a bad game of musical chairs, but still no sign of the car. Finally, after a ton of walking, at altitude mind you, we spot the car in the distance and run to it like the Griswalds going to Wally World. Winner, winner chicken dinner!
Delayed in Denver
Coming home from a trip back East, we forgot where we parked at the airport. You'd think that we would have learned from the Memphis Blues mess, but no, we jacked it up yet again. As if a 4 hour flight and a whole day traveling weren't exhausting enough, we now had to try and find a needle in a haystack to finish the final leg of our trip. There we were walking up and down aisle after aisle pulling large suitcases and cussing like Suzie on "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Unlike sporting events, no cars were leaving, so it wasn't a matter of waiting, it was only a matter of getting lucky. I'll tell you what, you really find out what your marriage is made of in a situation like that. You can either turn on each other or team up and get it done. Of course with a love like ours we turned on each other, but finally found the truck in the last aisle of the lot. Bitter!
Disoriented in DC
Another Pens game, but this time I am alone, and as you can tell from the previous stories I have no sense of direction. If I were a lab rat trying to run through a maze, the scientist would give up and send me over to the test group where they grow extra nipples. The parking garage at the Verizon Center in DC has no distinct features just a bunch of gray cement. I decide that I will be smart and take pictures on my phone, so I can retrace my steps if I need to. I start snapping away and I'm all proud of myself for having such a genius Memento-ish idea.
The game is great and I come out to the garage and whip out my phone. Ok, let's do this! What? I forgot to save the pictures I took. The only picture I saved is of my truck in the actual parking space. Oh shit, I am a dead man. It gets a little embarassing when you walk past the same line of cars waiting to exit the garage 3 or 4 times in a ten minute span. It's pretty obvious to everyone that you are the village idiot. After a few laps around the garage and sucking in enough CO2 to kill a small child, I finally find my truck. I take another picture of it just to be sure it's mine, yep they match, I hop in and I'm headed home, whichever way that is.
Bottom line I have my truck back sans keyless entry, and it's in relatively good condition. They added some tight rims, smokin' hot flames down the side and it hops when I play "Low Rider". The bitches in my neighborhood know who gots the sweet ride, and that's all that really matters. I just wish they had free massages at the DMV, I am sore as shit from Wii boxing last weekend.
3 comments:
Dude, it's Chid. I totally remember losing the car in the Pepsi Center lot. Weren't we walking out by some roller coaster and/or fence near Six Flags? My memory isn't the best. Oh, and who could forget that I thought the lyrics to Low Rider were "don't drive drunk" instead of "low-reye-der." I swear, if you listen to that song, that's what it sounds like he's saying. Just like "dirty deeds done dirt cheap" sounds like "dirty deeds and the thunder chief." Listen!!
I might have to do a post on mis-heard lyrics because I have a ton of them.
Chid again. The worst misheard lyric of all time from me is "horse display" instead of "walk this way" from Aerosmith. What the hell does "horse display" even mean?
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