Maggie is almost 11 months old, and I want to take a few moments to reflect on what I love and hate about being a Dad.
Love: The look of recognition and excitement when she sees me for the first time, whether it's in the morning, after a nap or when I pick her up from daycare. It's kind of like the look the guys have on Maury when they find out they are not the father. Only she doesn't run around the room screaming "Thank you Lord", and she doesn't roll around on the floor like she just got shot, but she's still very excited.
Hate: Repetitive activities. I read the same books, pick up the same toys and play the same games with her over and over again. I understand this is how she learns, but it's like living with Rain Man. Yeah, I dropped this toy 137 times, definitely going to drop it again. Fifteen minutes 'till Wonder Pets. Yeah I dropped this toy 138 times, definitely going to drop it again. Fourteen minutes 'till Wonder Pets.
Love: Watching her figure things out. One week she has no idea how to use a toy or play a game and then out of nowhere she "gets it". Like the toy that has the different colored rings that you stack up. She used to just eat it like a porn star or bang other toys with it, but now she puts the rings onto it. She gets it now. Or when she solves the toy that has 6 sides and different colors and you need to get all of the same color on each side, what's that called again? Rubik's Cube. No, it has two names. Rubik's Cube. No, that's not it. It has a geometrical name. Rubik's Cube. That's it! (This schtick never gets old to me)
Hate: Trying to eat at restaurants. She has the attention span of Robin Williams after doing an 8 ball. One person gets to pound their meal like they are across the table from Takeru Kobayashi, while the other person plays defense against her. She's got crazy moves too. She'll drop a binky and when you bend over to get it, she grabs a steak knife, takes her doll hostage and instantly becomes Honey-Bunny from Pulp Fiction.
Maggie: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya
Me: Easy Maggie, nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Maggie what's Fonzie like?
Maggie: Cool
Me: Correctamundo. Now let's trade the knife for the binky on the count of three.
Love: When she laughs so hard you know she is peeing her pants. Since she doesn't get my dick and fart jokes yet, I have to resort to scaring, tickling or shooting things at her to get her worked up into a laughing frenzy. Once she gets going though, she has trouble catching her breath. I laugh this hard a few times a year, she laughs this hard a few times a week. Click here if you want to see what I mean.
Hate: Getting up early on the weekends, especially after a night of drinking. It's Saturday morning at 7:30 am, I roll over look at the clock and smile because she's not awake yet. Just as I start drifting back into the abyss, I hear a series of coughs and then a cry. So much for that extra hour of sleep. Why can't they make kids with snooze buttons? It will be nice when she can fix a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons by herself. Sleep is one thing, I won't even get into how many times she's cock-blocked me.
Love: She is the only person in my life that will kiss me for no reason. We'll just be watching TV and out of nowhere she plants one on me. It's usually open mouth and a mixture of saliva and snot, but getting unsolicited affection from your kid is money. You can get the same type of kiss from your sloppy, drunk grandma once she takes out her dentures, but this kind of unsolicited affection is not so money.
Hate: She whines like a little bitch. If something is out of her reach, or if she is disatisfied in any way, she lets out that annoying whine/cry like she's Doug and Wendy's kid. (80's SNL reference for you all. Bonus points if you can tell me who played Doug and Wendy) If you ignore her she figures it out and gets what she wants, but like a lazy Crawford she'd rather just whine until someone does it for her.
For all you non-breeders, you can add up all the "Hates" and feel good. For all you breeders you can add up all the 'Loves" and feel good. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."
Speaking of FOL, which of the main characters would you want as a girlfriend? Let's break it down.
Blair
Love: The looks, the money and the connections.
Hate: The attitude. Way too high maintenance for me, I don't tolerate a rich bitch very well. Also, her cousin Geri, the one with cerebral palsy, was totally unfunny and annoying.
Jo
Love: The hot tom boy thing works for me, and she could fix my car, saving me tons of coin.
Hate: I don't want to date someone who could take me in a fight. Period.
Natalie
Love: Fat chicks tend to try harder in the bedroom to make up for their lacking physical attributes. She has the potential for one to two funny jokes a year.
Hate: Her Miss Piggy looks, coupled with her desparate need to be liked would get old fast. She falls more into the desparate one night stand that you don't tell anyone about category.
Tootie
Love: The roller skates. However, these are only truly sexy on a naked Heather Graham.
Hate: Being uber-naive and a drama queen she wouldn't last long in my world, so I have to say "next". Now run along and cry on Mrs. Garret's shoulder.
Edna Garret
Love: If I need a hot meal, some dusting done or someone to watch my adopted inner city black sons, there's no one better.
Hate: I try not to date anyone who was alive when Lincoln freed the slaves.
The winner is:
No, not Molly Ringwald, even though she's a solid choice appearing in 13 episodes. I'm going to have to go to the another hall of famer from the bullpen and select Boots St. Claire AKA Jami Gertz. She was only in 4 episodes, but she wins the dream prize of being my imaginary girlfriend.
Lucky girl!
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