Shaking the Magic 8-Ball

Q: Do I have too much time on my hands? (clap-clap)
A: It is certain
I heard two deep tracks on the way to work this morning that I don't have on my iPod; "Stumblin' In" by Chris Norman and Suzy Quatro and "The Breakup Song" by Greg Kihn. Yes, I am actually going to spend time actively seeking out Greg Kihn tunes for my iPod when I get home tonight. Not only will I add "The Breakup Song" I might even throw in "Jeopardy" just to complete the double-shot. Not quite enough for a block party weekend, but it will qualify him for a Two-for-Tuesday. My music collection is getting down to the nitty-gritty and I don't mean the Dirt Band, Mr. Bojangles. God, I really need to get out of the house.

Q: Is eternal damness in my future?
A: As I see it yes
It's getting close to lunch time. Should I rock the lasagna I brought today or should I go out and pick up some artery-clogging goodness in the form of Long John Silver's chicken planks drenched in malt vinegar with crispy hush puppies? Maybe, I should just put myself on the liver and heart transplant list now, so that when my time comes I'll be near the top. I wonder how you get on those lists, do you just sign up on the internet or does a doctor have to actually submit your name? Ahh, actually "time" is not the determining factor in getting a new organ, it is based on the severity of need. (Thanks Google!)

They should do a reality show called "The Real Survivor" where the people at the top of the lists compete to get the available organs. "Survivors want to see what you're playing for today? That's right it's a new liver. Winners get reward, losers go back to tribal council... Sorry Gary, but unless you have the hidden immune system idol, you're going home today. If you are still alive next week, you'll be the first member of our jury."

Q: Am I a dick?
A: You may rely on it
I have a certificate on my desk, and yes it is suitable for framing, that reads: Congratulations on successfully completing Customer Service Training on "How to Handle an Irate Caller". I've kept this for 5 years, because it just may be the best certificate I've ever received, and trust me I've received several certificates in my day. You're supposed to be calm and courteous, but I've found that putting them on hold for ten to fiteen minutes and then "accidentally" hanging up works better. When they call back, there's no way you're getting them again, so it's no longer your problem. I am an antogonist by nature, so this certificate really goes against every fiber of my being.

Q: Will I live longer than a crack baby?
A: Ask again later
I just realized that people who read my blog regularly, all 3 of you, must really think I'm a pubic hair. See what I did there? I made a call back to a previous post just to see if all of you loyal readers are paying attention. This blog seems to bring out the negative Nancy in me, but that's because unicorns and rainbows aren't quite as humorous as the everyday idiots and douchebags. Besides, they say that angry, over-weight, middle-aged men who eat poorly and don't exercise have a longer life expectancy than crack babies. So I have that going for me.

This may be breaking blog protocol, but if you live or work near Washington, PA or Silver Spring, MD leave me a comment or shoot me an e-mail, because you guys are always checking in and I'm dying to know your identity. Plus, it will make it easier when I need to take out that restraining order.