Return to Sender

Now that the trees have bloomed and the temperature has steadily climbed, it’s time for that late spring tradition, playoff hockey. To celebrate the Pens run in the playoffs, the wife and I agreed to get a new TV, and by agreed I mean I held a pillow over her face until she tapped out. Obviously, two iPhones, three iPods and three flat-screen TV’s are not enough for two adults, we needed to get just one more. The Sharp 52” Aquos had become to me, what the Red Ryder Ranger Model Air Rifle was to Ralphie in A Christmas Story.

Ever since my brother-in-law picked one of these bad boys up last summer there was an indescribable tingling in my nether region every time we walked by it at Costco. With the permission slip from my wife in hand, I proudly walked into the warehouse grabbed the “big” slat cart, you know the one reserved for all of the Asians who own restaurants, where they pile so much food on them they look like they’re preparing for a UN mission to Somalia. Then, I rolled over to the TV area where a gaggle of dudes were just staring like 10 year old boys seeing their first pair of boobies. I loaded it up as the rest of the men looked at me and then started the slow clap like at the end of Revenge of the Nerds. I’m pretty sure I even heard one of them yell “Way to go Paula” as I walked away. (That was An Officer and a Gentlemen reference in case you aren’t up on your Richard Gere movies. I celebrate his entire catalogue.)

After checking out, I wheeled the big dog to the car only to discover that it didn’t fit in the backseat. Bitter! With the rain pouring down on me, my joy turned to stress. Fuck it, I shoved two thirds of it into the back of the car and then left the hatch up for the drive home. Normally, this wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the rain was soaking the box and the Lexus beeps constantly if you leave a door open. If this weren’t annoying enough, getting out of the Costco parking lot on a weekend is like playing Frogger while navigating the maze of hedges in The Shining. Fucking move people!

Finally, we get the holy grail of TV’s into our house and like a Geek Squad tech on crystal meth I have it set up in the basement in a matter of seconds. I plop down onto the couch, hit the on switch, and then it happened. Just like Ralphie, I shot my eye out. As much as I wanted it to work, this TV was just too big for the room. Then, I started trying to re-arrange the furniture to force the issue. If we just move that desk, scoot the couch, get rid of the recliner, knock down that wall and look through binoculars backwards we can do this. C’mon people work with me!

In the end, even though the hoo-oars tits on Rock of Love looked spectacular, we decided to box it back up and return it. Watching a grown man return a big flat-screen TV is like watching Vada at the end of My Girl yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and re-write my theme on what I want for Christmas. “What I want for Christmas….Well, I wanted a Sharp Aquos 52” TV, but we just couldn’t make that work now could we? So instead, I am getting granite countertops. I’m pretty sure that I can’t watch hockey in HD on a granite countertop, but I can dice some onions and peppers, so at least I got that going for me.”