After School Special

Three days a week Maggie and I spend some time bonding after work/daycare. Here's a quick look at my 105 minutes alone with Maggie before Amy comes home.

3:45 - I enter daycare and see her sitting in the middle of the room with a random toy half way down her throat. I flash her our gang sign and she gets excited. The Krawford Kaucasian Kings are in the krib! I was going to get her a onesy made with our logo, but the daycare facility tends to frown upon kids sporting "KKK" gear. Even after I explain that we're not that "KKK", they still don't seem to come around.

3:47 - I start to collect her things, and she starts to cry. We do this everyday, but she still thinks that I'm just going to grab her bottles and leave her. I hope she doesn't have male abandonment issues in her teens. Like Chris Rock says "It's the Dad's job to keep his daughter off the pole!"

3:52 - I throw her in the trunk and crank up the tunes, so that I don't have to here her cry anymore and we're on our way home.

4:00 - On the way home I think that a list of my daily activities would make a great blog entry.

4:01 - Then, I think that a list of my daily activities would make a shitty blog entry.

4:02 - Finally, I think that I could really go for a Chick-Fil-A milkshake, and what's all that crying in the trunk? Oh yeah, I forgot to give Maggie her pacifier.

4:09 - I curse out the "triple M" (Mini-van Muslim Mom) in front of me for going 10 miles an hour and turning without using her signal. WTF? You can take the time to pray 5 times a day, but moving your hand 3 inches to flip on your turn signal is too much of an effort?

4:15 - We're home. Daycare provides us with a daily itinerary of her eating, sleeping and lemonade/brownie making. I hold her ass up to my nose and decide that she is cool until Amy gets home. I know this sounds weird to you non-breeders, but to those of us who have procreated we don't even bat an eye. Which is kind of scary.

4:17 - I put on Noggin (tv for toddlers) and they've changed their lineup. What a crock of shit! Instead of "Lazytown", which rocks my face off, I get "Little Bill" which sooo does not rock. Time for a power nap, while Moolicious gets tortured by "Little Bill".

4:20 - I give her a book of matches, some newspaper and I go lay down.

4:50 - I wake up and she's made a pirate hat from the newspaper and lit her cigarette with the matches. Good girl! Puff, Puff, AAARRRRGGHHH!

5:00 - Finally, annoying "Little Bill" is over, but then we move right into "Little Bear" which isn't much better. I bum a smoke from Maggie and we decide to play some Wii bowling.

5:15 - We're both getting hammered because we have to do shots everytime someone bowls a strike. I don't know how she can smoke and bowl (not smoke a bowl, but smoke and bowl) at the same time, but she is on fire today. She wins 217 - 201, and I have to give her a foot massage while singing Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" Hey, a bets a bet and I have to pay up.

5:25 - Amy gets home in 5 minutes, so we hide the booze and cigs, put our shirts back on and head over to the table for some dinner.

5:30 - Amy comes in and finds me quietly feeding Maggie some pears and Squash at the kitchen table.

So there you have it, just another day for Maggie and me in the paradise that is Sterling, VA. if you're ever around my part of town between 4:15 and 5:30 stop by and say hello. Remember it's BYOB! Bring your own baby, I mean booze, and if you want to join the KKK you have to beat Maggie at Wii bowling and then get jumped in by the other members. Blood in and blood out bitches!