Facebook in January

January 30, 2012

Thinking about getting a life-size Fathead of myself giving a big thumbs up for our main floor bathroom. I want my guests to know they're appreciated even when I can't be with them.

January 24, 2012

It's National Peanut Butter Day and tonight I'll have the house to myself. Sometimes I really wish I had a dog.

January 22, 2012

Last day I will ever wear contacts, coincidentally it's the first day I am wearing Spanx.

January 21, 2012

Listening to the Stones tune "Loving Cup" and there's a line "I can run and jump and fish". Such weird things to brag about. Was Mick like hmmmm I can run and jump, what's the next logical progression? Climb? Skip? Fish? That's it, fish, write it down.

January 17, 2012

Sending my daughter off to Lucha Libre (Mexican Wrestling) camp this summer. She is going to wrestle under the name Blue-eyed Devil.

January 16, 2012

Three words mi amigos, "Mexican Midget Rodeo". Turning my dreams into realities.

January 14, 2012I knew our sailing trip was in trouble when the name of the catamaran was The Andrea Gale.

January 14, 2012

Anybody know how to say "That coke isn't mine, and the stripper was dead when I got here." in Spanish?

January 13, 2012

In Mexico for the first time, I expected the landscaping to be a little better.

January 12, 2011

After a careful discussion around the meaning of the song "Scotty Doesn't Know" from the movie "EuroTrip", my daughter says "I sure hope that Scotty doesn't hear this song."

January 11, 2012

Two days until Cancun. Odds of me getting sold as a sex slave by the Zetas drug cartel are currently at 6 to 1.

January 10, 2012

My new favorite thing is to go to kids parties, hug the birthday girl, look at my daughter and mouth the words "my princess".

January 6, 2012

One week until Cancun. Time to break out the Dora the Explorer and learn me some Spanish. Does anyone remember which season has the episode where she goes through the chocolate forest to get to the donkey show?

January 5, 2012

I was just on Ancestry.com and found out that there are at least three Rusty's in my family tree. That explains my secret love of Mountain Dew and Wipeout.

January 1, 2012

I don't think that my friends, family and neighbors are enjoying the kick ass bullhorn I got for x-mas nearly as much as I am. I woke the wife up this morning by asking her to return her seat back and tray table to its full and upright position.

Facebook in December

December 29, 2011

We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.

December 27, 2011

I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.

December 25, 2011

I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!

December 24, 2011

The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.

December 22, 2011

I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.

December 21, 2011

I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.

December 16, 2011

Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".

December 16, 2011

Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.

December 15, 2011

Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.

December 14, 2011

I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".

December 10, 2011

Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.

December 09, 2011

Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.

December 08, 2011

Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.

December 06, 2011

While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.

December 05, 2011

Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.

December 03, 2011

I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.

December 01, 2011

The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

Facebook in November

November 30, 2011 at 8:18 am

Pregnant with baby number two!!!!! We are very excited and can’t wait to see how this life changing event unfolds. So happy for Kourtney Kardashian.

November 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

Some of you may have heard about our family's tragic news, my daughter saw a bug this morning. We think she's going to make it, but thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

November 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Undefeated in the 10 yard dash at the playground today. Kicking ass and taking names. Better luck next time; Caitlyn, Parker, Tatum, Mackenzie and Madison.

November 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

At the lighting of the Xmas tree in Reston, VA. To take part in this Norman Rockwell wet dream, break out your best Gap sweater and remember there's a two kid minimum.

November 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I used to think I had a cool, hip wife, then I found out that she’s been to Michael’s three times today.

November 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If I end up going to the Bob Seger concert tonight, I am going to slow dance the shit out of “We’ve Got Tonight”, middle-school style.

November 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Every year at my in-laws we play a game after Thanksgiving dinner. This year it’s my turn to choose, and I’m going with spin the bottle. I just hope that my father-in-law doesn’t taste like gin and cranberry sauce.

November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

My daughter is the only kid in the family under the age of 22. She is going to be the poster child for the saddest Thanksgiving Kid’s table of all time.

November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Bad News: I hit a possum on the way home last night. Good News: My company potluck is today. Hello silver lining.

November 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

With the holidays fast approaching it’s time to check on my two New year’s resolutions:

1. Eat a vegetable other than a potato
2. Befriend a midget so that I can obnoxiously go around yelling “Say hello to my little friend”. Damn, it looks like I’m 0 for 2.

November 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

It’s been awhile since I woke up with a club stamp on my hand. I think the last time was when I got a free t-shirt at Club Vandersexxx in Amsterdam.

November 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Just updated my resume to include creating kick ass iPod playlists to my list of skills.

November 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

I’ve been styling my chest hair for an hour already. That can only mean one thing…It’s Super Diamond Saturday.

November 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’m totally jealous of my daughter because she can get her entire hand all the way to the bottom of a Pringles can.

November 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

My buddy has been waking up at night screaming from the explosions in his head. Sadly, he’s not a vet with PTSD, he just plays Call of Duty waaaaay too much.

November 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Today is “I love to write day” so here is my Haiku:

I love to write day

Makes me want to celebrate

I hate to read day

November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

When my daughter was 2 she had a cyst taken out of her neck leaving a small scar. What I will be telling her future boyfriends is that she had her Adam’s Apple removed because we always wanted a girl.

November 13, 2011 at 8:33 am

The wife turns 40 today. I overheard her on the phone last night telling her sister that all she wanted for her birthday was a big black clock for her entry way. At least I hope she said clock.

November 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

Checking out some roller derby tonight. I just know that I’m going to feel so under-pierced.

November 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

Piano bar with my company tomorrow. I’ve been working on my pick-up lines: “Hi, my name is Paul and I’m a real estate novelist. Have any of you ladies seen Davy?

November 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The Duggar family announced that they are having baby #20. I know what my turtleneck sweater looks like after I’ve worn it 20 times, so I can only imagine…

November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

Every time I complimented my daughter last night she took off an article of clothing. I had to convince her that just because a guy says you look nice doesn’t mean you immediately take off your skirt.

November 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Mike Shanahan and his family were at the table next to us during lunch today. I’m not saying that the guy needs to give the tanning bed a rest, but at first glance I thought he was Elmo.

November 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

My daughter always cheats at Uno. I tried explaining that she’s only cheating herself, but she was too busy doing crotch chops and yelling” I’m the best and you’re the rest”.

November 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

My daughter is excited to start her pageant career, but I had to explain to her that “pooping like a man” doesn’t qualify as a talent.

November 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Best part of my day was realizing that I still know every word to the fast part of
“Hook” by Blues Traveler.

Facebook in October

October 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm

My wife's greatest fear, alone with me in a movie theater. Let the incessant requests for inappropriate touching begin.

October 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I just bought my wife a sewing machine from woot.com for her birthday. If she plays her cards right, maybe she'll get a loom for x-mas. Back off ladies I'm taken.

October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The wife asked "Do you want your half-shirt folded or hung up?". Surprisingly, thrown out was not part of her question, so the game "How many candy corns can I get in my belly-button?" is back on for tonight.

October 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I may have bought my Halloween candy too early, because I now need to buy it again. I have about as much will power as Gary Glitter in a Bangkok YWCA.

October 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Watching Caillou tonight and at the beach they don't have any nipples or belly-buttons, and then at the pool they magically appear. I told the little one that if she doesn't behave the nipple fairy will come and steal her "buttons".

October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

Is there anything better than four lesbians covering Zeppelin tunes? I'll know the answer later tonight if I can find parking among all the Subaru Outbacks.

October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

My daughter has her Halloween costume down to two choices, a mermaid or Casey Anthony. The jury's still out on which one she'll go with.

October 21, 2011 at 8:41 am

This morning I guessed my kids art project on the first try. What do I win?

October 20, 2011 at 8:23 am

This morning I uttered the following phrase for the first time in my life: "Shit, I forgot to make banana bread." Sometimes, I really hate myself.

October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I feel weird giving a "like" to pictures of other peoples kids, but I guess it's better than leaving the comment "Soooo sexy".

October 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I wish that i got excited about anything as much as my daughter gets excited about watching Scooby Doo.

October 17, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Saturday night at the Pens game, the wife and I were on JumboTron. This is bad news for anyone who sits next to me at future sporting events, because inevitably they will hear me say "This one time at a hockey game...".

October 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I think the pumpkin farm we visited today was owned by hippies. There were a lot of people lost in the marijuana maze.

October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I think I just got suckered into shopping by the promise of food and beer in an "up and coming" neighborhood.

October 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm

My uncle said the Penguins tickets for tonight were 10th row and they're actually 11th row. Of course I didn't bring my binoculars. (white people problems)

October 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

On my flight last night I played fuck, marry, kill with the three women sitting in front of me. By the end of the flight I changed the game to kill, kill, kill.

October 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'm pretty sure that the fathers of the wait staff at this bar owe their daughters an apology.

October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm

In Tampa this week. You know your city has a lot of strip clubs when the ATM's let you take out singles.

October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all black cast. Has somebody been reading my diary?

October 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

A license plate that says “I Brake for Quilts” I just found my soul mate!

October 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I might have to buy a white trash cookbook, because I have to find a way to get more Pillsbury Crescent Rolls into my diet.

October 10, 2011 at 7:12 am

Good thing I've been playing the game Operation a lot lately. My daughter got a splinter, so I pictured it as a tiny wrench and pulled it right out. A few more games and I'll be ready to do my own vasectomy.

October 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

Week 4 of soccer and they're finally going to start working on their Brandi Chastain goal celebrations. Sports bras and spray tan abs for everyone!

October 7, 2011 at 8:29 am

Nutella on a bagel for breakfast. Damn, I love a nice warm nut-bag first thing in the morning.

October 6, 2011 at 9:15 am

I was feeling like backpack full of AIDS until I read my cough drop wrapper full of positive reinforcement. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and put my game face on.

October 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Best thing about Omaha, I just did three shots of ranch dressing and no one even batted an eye. If anything they looked at me like I was a lightweight.

October 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

It's a strong indicator that you don't have a healthy lifestyle when the first thing your kid says to you in the morning is "You're alive Daddy, you're alive!".

October 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Off to Lightfoot for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to eating a steak as big as George Costanza's wallet

Facebook in September

September 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

Off and running on a 16 hour work day. I can't wait to tell the kid I sponsor in New Delhi, who spends 14 hours stitching soccer balls, to suck it.

September 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I'm at Costco watching a guy return a 60" flat-screen TV, and it's like watching Vada at the end of "My Girl" yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.

September 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Thanks to DWTS my daughter now has the scariest Halloween costume on the block. She's going as Nancy Grace's nipple.

September 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Time to do a little stretching before squeezing into my size 40 "skinny" jeans. Nothings says I'm bringing sexy back, like rocking a sweet moose-knuckle. Ladies, my eyes are up here. (You're welcome for the visual!)

September 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I got worked by a mosquito last night It looks like I have "War and Peace" written in braille on my leg.

September 22, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The circus is shaping up to be great tonight except for Creepy the Clown in the parking lot. I hope that was a horn on his pocket.

September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

Circus tomorrow! So hard to say that without a sing-songy lisp.

September 19, 2011 at 10:26 am

‎"I can't believe we lost again!" Oh wait, it's Talk Like a Pirate day, not Talk Like a Pittsburgh Pirate day.

September 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Just saw some Amish girls at the Breezewood, PA Starbucks on Facebook...craziest rumspringa ever!!!

September 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I realized today that I've never heard the song "Ruby Tuesday" at a Ruby Tuesdays, but I have heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a Chipotle.

September 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Just walked to McDonald's for a milkshake, and contrary to what I've been told, when I got home there were no boys in my yard.

September 12, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I'm headed to Omaha, NE next month for work. Time to dust off all of my witty anecdotes about corn.

September 11, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Actually went to a party last night that didn't involve goodie bags or suspicious looks from soccer Moms.

September 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I hit an all time dining low today when I dipped a quesadilla into a bowl of queso. I think my family saw it as a cheesy cry for help.

September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The kid is signed up for soccer, so operation “full ride to UNC” is under way. No pressure, but if she sucks then we go to plan B, operation “put yourself through community college by working at Applebees”.

September 8, 2011 at 8:31 am

It's National Kiss Day, so I went to work dressed as Gene Simmons. I think I misunderstood the holiday.

September 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Having the lights replaced in our bathrooms. The wife wants recessed lighting, but I'm thinking strobe lights above the showers and a disco ball above the big tub would be more interesting.

September 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Cranking some AC/DC in the car, I just turned around, pointed at my daughter and sang at the top of my lungs "Yooooou shook me all night long...". I'll take awkward father-daughter moments for $200 Alex.

September 3, 2011 at 9:06 am

I woke up this morning and did three sit-ups in a row. Of course I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in Altoona last night.

September 3, 2011 at 7:01 am

Up at 5:30 am on a Saturday watching an early 80's Alan Alda movie, I'm pretty sure this is one of Dante's circles of hell.

September 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Signing my daughter up for tee ball. Based on years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos, I'll be wearing a cup at all times.

September 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I haven't done much prep for my fantasy football draft tonight. Anyone know where Brett Favre is playing this year?