September 6, 2012
I'm not sure how he did it, but my wife was fully clothed at the beginning of Clinton's speech last night and by the end she was laying there naked smoking a cigarette.
September 10, 2012
Back to Tampa for work again tomorrow. Does anyone know a good trick for getting body glitter out of your belly button? Just asking for a friend, who said his shower looked like an episode of "Gold Rush Alaska" last time he was there.
September 11, 2012
Flying out of DC with my Muslim co-worker today. I hope that the TSA screeners get a good laugh at the fake box cutter I slipped into her bag.
September 12, 2012
If I've learned one thing from Facebook, it's that women really, really, really love inspirational quotes.
September 12, 2012
I had every intention of finishing the book I've been reading for 8 months, but now I'm watching a chick do flip cup using only her ass. Damn you overhead airport announcer for informing me of free wi-fi.
September 14, 2012
I'm all for cleanliness but the guy in the bathroom with me just took a piss and then washed his hands like he was preparing for open heart surgery. I wanted to say "Dude, how dirty is your junk?".
September 16, 2012
Apparently, the poster for this concert I saw in 1995 is now considered "vintage". I also got married in 1995, so it looks like I have some bad news for my wife
September 19, 2012
20 years ago today, I watched Amy do her 3rd keg stand in a row and I immediately knew that she was the girl I was going to marry.
September 20, 2012
My daughter came up to me this morning and said "Hey pops, give me some skin.". Looks like my efforts to raise her as a poor black child from the 70's, a la Navin Johnson, are paying off.
September 21, 2012
I was watching “The Big Chill" last night and when they did the famous dinner scene with the Motown songs, I started wondering how that would play out with my college friends. Somehow I don’t think that setting the table to Marky Mark's “Good Vibrations” would’ve had the same nostalgic effect.
September 24, 2012
To the girl in front of me at Starbucks: Using the drive-thru in a car whose window doesn’t go down is a lot like a girl trying to pee standing up. Sure it can be done, but there’s a better option available to you that doesn’t make a mess for everyone behind you.
September 24, 2012
Checking Facebook on my birthday always gives me a glimpse into what it’s like to be semi-famous, like one of those guys on Showtime’s "Gigolos". I just hope I can use this wave of popularity to get a last minute reservation at Ponderosa. Thanks everyone!
September 26, 2012
I had fried chicken and biscuits for breakfast and lunch today. I don't think that I'm using this Richard Simmons Deal a Meal set right.
September 27, 2012
I'm pretty sure the woman who just drove passed my house at the same time I walked through a spider web thought I was a mentally challenged, schizophrenic spaz.
September 28, 2012
I just shook my keyboard and an entire strawberry pop tart came flying out. I should probably stop eating at my desk.
September 28, 2012
I'd be more excited for Friday at 5:00, if I didn't have to work Saturday at 9:00. If only there were a song about everybody working for the weekend to cheer me up.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Facebook in August
August 2, 2012
Damn you Obamacare. My wife's birth control pills just went from $40 a month to free. There goes my argument for having to get my money's worth.
August 7, 2012
I will be participating in "National Night Out" or as I like to call it "Drinking in My Driveway". The white on white crime has been pretty horrific in my neighborhood lately. The other night I saw a guy put his newspaper in MY recycling bin
August 17, 2012
A few years ago my father in law was really excited to wear his new shirt to a family event. Being the jagoff that I am, I went out and bought the same shirt. Today he would have been 75. Miss ya buddy.
August 18, 2012
Home alone tonight. I thought I took some sweet pics for sexting, but my Grandma said the lighting was all wrong.
August 19, 2012
I just looked at the kids names in my daughter's kindergarten class and there is zippy chance that she will ever win a spelling bee or make valedictorian, but on the bright side she has a great shot at being the best driver some day.
August 27, 2012
I can't believe how much I cried when my daughter got on the bus this morning for her first day of kindergarten. The money we are going to save on daycare just overwhelmed me.
Damn you Obamacare. My wife's birth control pills just went from $40 a month to free. There goes my argument for having to get my money's worth.
August 7, 2012
I will be participating in "National Night Out" or as I like to call it "Drinking in My Driveway". The white on white crime has been pretty horrific in my neighborhood lately. The other night I saw a guy put his newspaper in MY recycling bin
August 17, 2012
A few years ago my father in law was really excited to wear his new shirt to a family event. Being the jagoff that I am, I went out and bought the same shirt. Today he would have been 75. Miss ya buddy.
August 18, 2012
Home alone tonight. I thought I took some sweet pics for sexting, but my Grandma said the lighting was all wrong.
August 19, 2012
I just looked at the kids names in my daughter's kindergarten class and there is zippy chance that she will ever win a spelling bee or make valedictorian, but on the bright side she has a great shot at being the best driver some day.
August 27, 2012
I can't believe how much I cried when my daughter got on the bus this morning for her first day of kindergarten. The money we are going to save on daycare just overwhelmed me.
Facebook in July
July 1, 2012
Apparently my Mom was in the hospital this week. She said she didn't tell me because there wasn't anything I could do. I said I could have at least signed a DNR.
July 11, 2012
Fried mac-n-cheese, chili and cheese sauce on a dog. I'm pretty sure that I in a few hours I will know what prison rape is like.
July 13, 2012
My daughter was crushing me about Mommy being the boss, so I had to pull the car over, get in her face and tell her who's the boss...Tony Danza.
July 13, 2012
I just did the walk of shame. I carried a bag of 5 Guys passed a Lifetime Fitness and a Whole Foods. Sometimes you just gotta own your poor decisions.
July 14, 2012
Last night the wife said she wanted a new car and I said let's wait a year. Today we have a new car. Damn, maybe my kid was right, Mommy is the boss.
July 20, 2012
They say you should dress for the position you want, not the position you have. What should I wear for reverse cowgirl?
July 21, 2012
My daughter just asked me to play Old Maid and I had to watch a YouTube video to remember the rules. (First World Problems)
July 23, 2012
My daughter's class went to see Ice Age, but it was sold out so they saw a cute little movie about a talking bear named Ted. I asked her how it was and she said "I laughed my fucking ass off.". I think her teachers may have misread the movie description.
July 24, 2012
I just bought a music CD and I had to slide it in with a bunch of other stuff, like a teenager buying condoms. I'll take a magazine, two Slim Jims, this CD, and a Cherry Coke.
July 26, 2012
Apparently my daughter is the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four, because she legitimately beat me twice in a row last night. I think it's time I start getting pretty sneaky on her ass.
July 26, 2012
I will be off the grid until Sunday. I'm filming an episode of HBO's Real Sex, where old people get naked in the woods. Please don't post anything funny or interesting until I get back. Thanks.
July 30, 2012
Dear women's olympic beach volleyball teams, most of us don't watch you for your bump, set and spike skills. Please lose the longs sleeve shirts and pants.
Thanks,
Men Everywhere
July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Apparently my Mom was in the hospital this week. She said she didn't tell me because there wasn't anything I could do. I said I could have at least signed a DNR.
July 11, 2012
Fried mac-n-cheese, chili and cheese sauce on a dog. I'm pretty sure that I in a few hours I will know what prison rape is like.
July 13, 2012
My daughter was crushing me about Mommy being the boss, so I had to pull the car over, get in her face and tell her who's the boss...Tony Danza.
July 13, 2012
I just did the walk of shame. I carried a bag of 5 Guys passed a Lifetime Fitness and a Whole Foods. Sometimes you just gotta own your poor decisions.
July 14, 2012
Last night the wife said she wanted a new car and I said let's wait a year. Today we have a new car. Damn, maybe my kid was right, Mommy is the boss.
July 20, 2012
They say you should dress for the position you want, not the position you have. What should I wear for reverse cowgirl?
July 21, 2012
My daughter just asked me to play Old Maid and I had to watch a YouTube video to remember the rules. (First World Problems)
July 23, 2012
My daughter's class went to see Ice Age, but it was sold out so they saw a cute little movie about a talking bear named Ted. I asked her how it was and she said "I laughed my fucking ass off.". I think her teachers may have misread the movie description.
July 24, 2012
I just bought a music CD and I had to slide it in with a bunch of other stuff, like a teenager buying condoms. I'll take a magazine, two Slim Jims, this CD, and a Cherry Coke.
July 26, 2012
Apparently my daughter is the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four, because she legitimately beat me twice in a row last night. I think it's time I start getting pretty sneaky on her ass.
July 26, 2012
I will be off the grid until Sunday. I'm filming an episode of HBO's Real Sex, where old people get naked in the woods. Please don't post anything funny or interesting until I get back. Thanks.
July 30, 2012
Dear women's olympic beach volleyball teams, most of us don't watch you for your bump, set and spike skills. Please lose the longs sleeve shirts and pants.
Thanks,
Men Everywhere
July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Facebook in June
June 1, 2012
When my wife runs an errand and it takes longer than it should, is it wrong that my first thought is to do something to create a solid alibi?
June 6, 2012
My daughter threw up at 8 and was on her way to school by 9:30. She may only be 5, but I think she's ready for college.
June 8, 2012
My daughter and her friend were up talking until almost midnight last night. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but I think I heard one of them say that Judy Blume's "Forever" was way better than "Fifty Shades of Grey".
June 11, 2012
I've arrived at Otis Redding's old stomping grounds in Macon, GA. Unfortunately, I'm going to be busier than that lazy ass dude who just sat on the dock of the bay wasting time.
June 14, 2012
I just said to my daughter "You have to finish your pizza if you want to get ice cream.". It's not fun being such a hard ass, but someday she'll thank me for all of the tough love.
June 15, 2012
My daughter is graduating pre-school today, which is the first step towards medical school. Of course the second step is divorcing my wife and marrying an Asian woman that will provide the necessary academic discipline.
June 19, 2012
My kid started at a new school this week. She told me the first day was rough, but today got better when she figured out the best place to sneak a smoke.
June 26, 2012
I went to get a haircut and forgot that my kid put a sticker on me that said "You can do it!". After 20 minutes I left because it was taking too long, and I'm sure they were all like "I guess he couldn't do it.".
June 30, 2012
Power is still out, but at least I finally got an answer to the age old question "How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?".
June 30, 2012
Power might be out for several days. Looks like I picked the wrong week to store a dead hooker in my freezer.
When my wife runs an errand and it takes longer than it should, is it wrong that my first thought is to do something to create a solid alibi?
June 6, 2012
My daughter threw up at 8 and was on her way to school by 9:30. She may only be 5, but I think she's ready for college.
June 8, 2012
My daughter and her friend were up talking until almost midnight last night. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but I think I heard one of them say that Judy Blume's "Forever" was way better than "Fifty Shades of Grey".
June 11, 2012
I've arrived at Otis Redding's old stomping grounds in Macon, GA. Unfortunately, I'm going to be busier than that lazy ass dude who just sat on the dock of the bay wasting time.
June 14, 2012
I just said to my daughter "You have to finish your pizza if you want to get ice cream.". It's not fun being such a hard ass, but someday she'll thank me for all of the tough love.
June 15, 2012
My daughter is graduating pre-school today, which is the first step towards medical school. Of course the second step is divorcing my wife and marrying an Asian woman that will provide the necessary academic discipline.
June 19, 2012
My kid started at a new school this week. She told me the first day was rough, but today got better when she figured out the best place to sneak a smoke.
June 26, 2012
I went to get a haircut and forgot that my kid put a sticker on me that said "You can do it!". After 20 minutes I left because it was taking too long, and I'm sure they were all like "I guess he couldn't do it.".
June 30, 2012
Power is still out, but at least I finally got an answer to the age old question "How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?".
June 30, 2012
Power might be out for several days. Looks like I picked the wrong week to store a dead hooker in my freezer.
Facebook in May
May 2, 2012
I just chopped down half of the tree in my front yard using only a hatchet. I'd like to apologize to my neighbors who may have heard me yell "Bear Grylls can eat my ass" as the wood chips were flying.
May 7, 2012
My daughter told the pediatrician today that I don't always put sunscreen on her. Looks like tonight's bedtime story will be the children's classic "Snitches Get Stitches" by Ubetta Zippit.
May 11, 2012
I’m discovering that once you put on a little extra weight all jeans become low rise. I’m just waiting for the day when I bend over and feel the swipe of a strangers credit card.
May 13, 2012
Despite years of training I'm 99% certain that my kid would instantly get in a van with a stranger for a chocolate frosted Dunkin' Donut.
May 21, 2012
Listening to Asia's "Heat of the Moment" and pounding the shit out of this table at Five Guys. (This post has been brought to you by guys in their 40's who still air drum.)
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 29, 2012
I got to play my favorite traffic game today. This dude rolls up next to me at a long red light blasting "Your Love" by the Outfield. So I pull it up on my iPod and fast forward until it's just ahead of where he's at in the song, then I roll down my windows and let it crank. I don't think he enjoyed the game nearly as much as I did.
I just chopped down half of the tree in my front yard using only a hatchet. I'd like to apologize to my neighbors who may have heard me yell "Bear Grylls can eat my ass" as the wood chips were flying.
May 7, 2012
My daughter told the pediatrician today that I don't always put sunscreen on her. Looks like tonight's bedtime story will be the children's classic "Snitches Get Stitches" by Ubetta Zippit.
May 11, 2012
I’m discovering that once you put on a little extra weight all jeans become low rise. I’m just waiting for the day when I bend over and feel the swipe of a strangers credit card.
May 13, 2012
Despite years of training I'm 99% certain that my kid would instantly get in a van with a stranger for a chocolate frosted Dunkin' Donut.
May 21, 2012
Listening to Asia's "Heat of the Moment" and pounding the shit out of this table at Five Guys. (This post has been brought to you by guys in their 40's who still air drum.)
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 29, 2012
I got to play my favorite traffic game today. This dude rolls up next to me at a long red light blasting "Your Love" by the Outfield. So I pull it up on my iPod and fast forward until it's just ahead of where he's at in the song, then I roll down my windows and let it crank. I don't think he enjoyed the game nearly as much as I did.
Facebook in April
April 4, 2012
Joe Flacco thinks he's the best QB in the NFL, that's like Jeremy Lin saying he thinks he has the biggest penis in the NBA.
April 6, 2012
At the dentist and the entire right side of my face is full of novacaine. On the plus side my Dick Clark impression is spot on today.
April 8, 2012
For Easter I put real egg yolks in all of my daughters plastic eggs. I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did.
April 12, 2012
Less than a week until Disney, so it's time to start working on things to say to make the princesses break character. "Hey Jasmine, when your carpet gets wet are you still DTF?" (Down to fly).
April 13, 2012
My daughter just asked my wife something that I've never said to anyone before in my entire life, "Can we work out tomorrow?".
April 17, 2012
I've been using clove oil to treat an extracted tooth all week. Every time I smell the stuff I get an irresistible urge to start a drum circle.
April 19, 2012
We've been in Orlando less than 24 hours and I already took a shit that looked exactly like Mickey Mouse ears. This really is the happiest place on earth.
April 20, 2012
The wife was humming "It's a small world" when I got out of the shower this morning. I guess they added a new section to the Magic Kingdom called emasculation land.
April 20, 2012
All I said was "For what we are paying to have dinner with the princesses there should at least be a champagne room", and suddenly I'm the creepy Dad.
April 22, 2012
After three days of long lines and huge crowds at Disney, I had to ease myself back into society by going to Costco this morning.
April 24, 2012
In Williamsburg, VA for work. I know this town is all about living in the past, but my hotel room having a 25" tube TV and no wi-fi is taking it a bit too far.
April 27, 2012
Gave my wife a high five this morning for keeping our kid alive for 5 years. Besides, she was too big to flush, unlike every fish we've ever owned.
April 27, 2012
Got cut off after two beers at Chuck E. Cheese tonight. In my defense the 8 year old playing pop-a-shot was getting cocky, and I might have blocked a shot or two.
April 30, 2012
I took my daughter out on a date tonight, and we had a 20 minute conversation about whether or not our slender waiter with long dreads was a guy or girl. I think I finally convinced her that it was a man, but along the way I did have to concede that women sometimes have mustaches.
Joe Flacco thinks he's the best QB in the NFL, that's like Jeremy Lin saying he thinks he has the biggest penis in the NBA.
April 6, 2012
At the dentist and the entire right side of my face is full of novacaine. On the plus side my Dick Clark impression is spot on today.
April 8, 2012
For Easter I put real egg yolks in all of my daughters plastic eggs. I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did.
April 12, 2012
Less than a week until Disney, so it's time to start working on things to say to make the princesses break character. "Hey Jasmine, when your carpet gets wet are you still DTF?" (Down to fly).
April 13, 2012
My daughter just asked my wife something that I've never said to anyone before in my entire life, "Can we work out tomorrow?".
April 17, 2012
I've been using clove oil to treat an extracted tooth all week. Every time I smell the stuff I get an irresistible urge to start a drum circle.
April 19, 2012
We've been in Orlando less than 24 hours and I already took a shit that looked exactly like Mickey Mouse ears. This really is the happiest place on earth.
April 20, 2012
The wife was humming "It's a small world" when I got out of the shower this morning. I guess they added a new section to the Magic Kingdom called emasculation land.
April 20, 2012
All I said was "For what we are paying to have dinner with the princesses there should at least be a champagne room", and suddenly I'm the creepy Dad.
April 22, 2012
After three days of long lines and huge crowds at Disney, I had to ease myself back into society by going to Costco this morning.
April 24, 2012
In Williamsburg, VA for work. I know this town is all about living in the past, but my hotel room having a 25" tube TV and no wi-fi is taking it a bit too far.
April 27, 2012
Gave my wife a high five this morning for keeping our kid alive for 5 years. Besides, she was too big to flush, unlike every fish we've ever owned.
April 27, 2012
Got cut off after two beers at Chuck E. Cheese tonight. In my defense the 8 year old playing pop-a-shot was getting cocky, and I might have blocked a shot or two.
April 30, 2012
I took my daughter out on a date tonight, and we had a 20 minute conversation about whether or not our slender waiter with long dreads was a guy or girl. I think I finally convinced her that it was a man, but along the way I did have to concede that women sometimes have mustaches.
Facebook in March
March 1, 2012
Please help. For only $43 a month you can sponsor a suburban child. No middle-class kid should have to go to school with imitation UGGs and Louis Vuitton knock-offs. Bring hope to a child in need and they will post Facebook photos in the brand name gear your precious dollars provide. Re-post if you know a child like Maggie, who needs to feel the love that only comes from sporting designer labels.
March 3, 2012
Taking my wife on a weekend getaway to Richmond, VA today. Finally, going to fulfill her runaway slave fantasy, I just hope this shoe polish comes off before we need to get a taxi.
March 6, 2012
My brother-in-law has been sporting a Fu Manchu mustache. I’ve always wanted to shave down to that form, but one guy in the family with a Fu Manchu is sweet, two guys and the wife might start checking my pockets for receipts to the Backdoor Leather Company.
March 9, 2012
Apparently this "John Carter" movie isn't about Noah Wylie's character on E.R., well there goes my weekend plans.
March 9, 2012
Even when we just go to McDonalds my daughter dresses like she's a regular goddamn Pippa Middleton. Maybe I shouldn't have raised her to speak with an English accent, but it's just so damn cute when she calls everyone a cunt.
March 10, 2012
Got my fantasy football trophy tonight, so the wife is sleeping on the couch! The next winner may want to stock up on some Purell.
March 13, 2012
Heading to Mississippi for work next week. I might have to bring my cowbell on the plane and throw Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" on repeat, I don't think anyone will mind.
March 14, 2012
Happy Steak & Blow Job Day. Don't forget, nobody likes it when you talk with your mouth full.
March 16, 2012
Looking forward to getting the iPad 3 today. They didn't advertise this feature, but I heard the graphics are so good it even un-pixelates Japanese porn.
March 17, 2012
I left a beer in the freezer last night and it exploded. Nothing like showing up at a 4 year old's soccer practice at 8:00 AM wearing a Guiness shirt and reeking of alcohol. At least it's St. Patrick's Day, so I can just look at the other parents and give them a big thumbs up.
March 17, 2012
The downside to watching all my shows on DVR is that I miss a lot if Amber Alerts. Two days late on this one, my bad Wilbert Garcia, glad you're safe.
March 18, 2012
Is there anything more precious than the look on a child's face when they hear you say "I can't believe the bear killed the Lorax", just before they go into the theater?
March 19, 2012
I couldn't find this one in the child care books, so I need a little help from the parents out there. When my daughter says she loves Justin Bieber, is it OK for me to give her the WTF face while simultaneously using the jerk off hand motion?
March 20, 2012
I'm at the airport an hour early with $70 burning a hole on my pocket, so full Brazilian wax it is! Gate D24 here I come.
March 20, 2012
In Vicksburg, Mississippi for work today. The hotel concierge said the cab would be here in a couple seconds, so I had to count "One, the state I'm in. Two, the state I'm in..."
March 21, 2012
Off to the riverboat casinos. Time to get obnoxious and start yelling in my best Paula Dean twang, "Bless your heart I'm gonna double down y'all!"
March 27, 2012
My Bro's in town so all my ho's need to step back.
Please help. For only $43 a month you can sponsor a suburban child. No middle-class kid should have to go to school with imitation UGGs and Louis Vuitton knock-offs. Bring hope to a child in need and they will post Facebook photos in the brand name gear your precious dollars provide. Re-post if you know a child like Maggie, who needs to feel the love that only comes from sporting designer labels.
March 3, 2012
Taking my wife on a weekend getaway to Richmond, VA today. Finally, going to fulfill her runaway slave fantasy, I just hope this shoe polish comes off before we need to get a taxi.
March 6, 2012
My brother-in-law has been sporting a Fu Manchu mustache. I’ve always wanted to shave down to that form, but one guy in the family with a Fu Manchu is sweet, two guys and the wife might start checking my pockets for receipts to the Backdoor Leather Company.
March 9, 2012
Apparently this "John Carter" movie isn't about Noah Wylie's character on E.R., well there goes my weekend plans.
March 9, 2012
Even when we just go to McDonalds my daughter dresses like she's a regular goddamn Pippa Middleton. Maybe I shouldn't have raised her to speak with an English accent, but it's just so damn cute when she calls everyone a cunt.
March 10, 2012
Got my fantasy football trophy tonight, so the wife is sleeping on the couch! The next winner may want to stock up on some Purell.
March 13, 2012
Heading to Mississippi for work next week. I might have to bring my cowbell on the plane and throw Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" on repeat, I don't think anyone will mind.
March 14, 2012
Happy Steak & Blow Job Day. Don't forget, nobody likes it when you talk with your mouth full.
March 16, 2012
Looking forward to getting the iPad 3 today. They didn't advertise this feature, but I heard the graphics are so good it even un-pixelates Japanese porn.
March 17, 2012
I left a beer in the freezer last night and it exploded. Nothing like showing up at a 4 year old's soccer practice at 8:00 AM wearing a Guiness shirt and reeking of alcohol. At least it's St. Patrick's Day, so I can just look at the other parents and give them a big thumbs up.
March 17, 2012
The downside to watching all my shows on DVR is that I miss a lot if Amber Alerts. Two days late on this one, my bad Wilbert Garcia, glad you're safe.
March 18, 2012
Is there anything more precious than the look on a child's face when they hear you say "I can't believe the bear killed the Lorax", just before they go into the theater?
March 19, 2012
I couldn't find this one in the child care books, so I need a little help from the parents out there. When my daughter says she loves Justin Bieber, is it OK for me to give her the WTF face while simultaneously using the jerk off hand motion?
March 20, 2012
I'm at the airport an hour early with $70 burning a hole on my pocket, so full Brazilian wax it is! Gate D24 here I come.
March 20, 2012
In Vicksburg, Mississippi for work today. The hotel concierge said the cab would be here in a couple seconds, so I had to count "One, the state I'm in. Two, the state I'm in..."
March 21, 2012
Off to the riverboat casinos. Time to get obnoxious and start yelling in my best Paula Dean twang, "Bless your heart I'm gonna double down y'all!"
March 27, 2012
My Bro's in town so all my ho's need to step back.
Facebook in February
February 1, 2012
I plan on using my extra day of black history month celebrating the biting sarcasm of Roger's younger sister Dee from "What's Happening".
February 2, 2012
The wife is off to Florida until Monday.I think this might be a good time to teach my daughter the meaning of the word "trifecta".
February 3, 2012
Today is National Wear Red Day or as people employed by Target call it, Friday.
February 5, 2012
At the Super Bowl halftime show, I really thought Tebow was going to come out during "Like a Prayer".
February 7, 2012
Last night I had to explain to my daughter that we are living in a post M.I.A. halftime show world and she can’t just go around throwing up half a peace sign all willy-nilly anymore.
February 8, 2012
From the amount of noise coming from my daughter's room, I can only assume that she is making bunk beds so that she has more room for her activities.
February 10, 2012
Tailgating for Chuck E. Cheese's tonight, shit's about to get real for some suburban pre-schoolers.
February 12, 2012
I don't consider it a full Beach Boys reunion without John Stamos.
February 14, 2012
I thought I was being romantic by having 'our song' play as my wife came downstairs for breakfast, but apparently Digital Underground's “Humpty Dance” was the wrong song.
February 15, 2012
If my next status update is in Braille then you'll know my LASIK didn't go as planned.
February 18, 2012
Getting ready for 9:00 am soccer or as I like to call it, avoiding small talk with other parents by looking at my phone for 45 minutes.
February 19, 2012
I woke up whistling "The Dating Game" theme song, so naturally I've been calling my wife Bachelorette #2 and asking her double entendre questions all day. She said she was going to kill me if I didn't stop, so I changed it to Widower #2.
February 20, 2012
Last night I had a dream that I was struggling on the slopes because I only had one ski pole. That's definitely the last time I wear my LASIK goggles while sleeping naked.
February 20, 2012
I'd like to thank Amazon for warning me that Jackyl's tune "She Loves My Cock" is [explicit]. I was just about to put it on the mix tape I'm making for my Grandma's birthday.
February 21, 2012
I'm having lunch with my co-worker Ashley tomorrow. I'm going to tell her that I'm celebrating Ashley Wednesday. Then I'll give myself an internal high five.
February 22, 2012
My Niece texted me that the whole family is doing Brazilian for her birthday on Friday. I really hope she meant steakhouse.
February 23, 2012
Just caught my daughter singing Rihana with her eyes closed. I said you sing just like her except your eyes aren't swollen shut.
February 23, 2012
Clearly I haven't cleaned out the junk drawer in awhile, I just found a ticket stub for Seven Mary Three. I hope their lives have become less cumbersome.
February 28, 2012
A warning for all the parents out there looking to order "Puss in Boots", be careful of typos or you might end up with an entirely different movie. I learned that lesson the hard way tonight.
I plan on using my extra day of black history month celebrating the biting sarcasm of Roger's younger sister Dee from "What's Happening".
February 2, 2012
The wife is off to Florida until Monday.I think this might be a good time to teach my daughter the meaning of the word "trifecta".
February 3, 2012
Today is National Wear Red Day or as people employed by Target call it, Friday.
February 5, 2012
At the Super Bowl halftime show, I really thought Tebow was going to come out during "Like a Prayer".
February 7, 2012
Last night I had to explain to my daughter that we are living in a post M.I.A. halftime show world and she can’t just go around throwing up half a peace sign all willy-nilly anymore.
February 8, 2012
From the amount of noise coming from my daughter's room, I can only assume that she is making bunk beds so that she has more room for her activities.
February 10, 2012
Tailgating for Chuck E. Cheese's tonight, shit's about to get real for some suburban pre-schoolers.
February 12, 2012
I don't consider it a full Beach Boys reunion without John Stamos.
February 14, 2012
I thought I was being romantic by having 'our song' play as my wife came downstairs for breakfast, but apparently Digital Underground's “Humpty Dance” was the wrong song.
February 15, 2012
If my next status update is in Braille then you'll know my LASIK didn't go as planned.
February 18, 2012
Getting ready for 9:00 am soccer or as I like to call it, avoiding small talk with other parents by looking at my phone for 45 minutes.
February 19, 2012
I woke up whistling "The Dating Game" theme song, so naturally I've been calling my wife Bachelorette #2 and asking her double entendre questions all day. She said she was going to kill me if I didn't stop, so I changed it to Widower #2.
February 20, 2012
Last night I had a dream that I was struggling on the slopes because I only had one ski pole. That's definitely the last time I wear my LASIK goggles while sleeping naked.
February 20, 2012
I'd like to thank Amazon for warning me that Jackyl's tune "She Loves My Cock" is [explicit]. I was just about to put it on the mix tape I'm making for my Grandma's birthday.
February 21, 2012
I'm having lunch with my co-worker Ashley tomorrow. I'm going to tell her that I'm celebrating Ashley Wednesday. Then I'll give myself an internal high five.
February 22, 2012
My Niece texted me that the whole family is doing Brazilian for her birthday on Friday. I really hope she meant steakhouse.
February 23, 2012
Just caught my daughter singing Rihana with her eyes closed. I said you sing just like her except your eyes aren't swollen shut.
February 23, 2012
Clearly I haven't cleaned out the junk drawer in awhile, I just found a ticket stub for Seven Mary Three. I hope their lives have become less cumbersome.
February 28, 2012
A warning for all the parents out there looking to order "Puss in Boots", be careful of typos or you might end up with an entirely different movie. I learned that lesson the hard way tonight.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Facebook in January
January 30, 2012
Thinking about getting a life-size Fathead of myself giving a big thumbs up for our main floor bathroom. I want my guests to know they're appreciated even when I can't be with them.
January 24, 2012
It's National Peanut Butter Day and tonight I'll have the house to myself. Sometimes I really wish I had a dog.
January 22, 2012
Last day I will ever wear contacts, coincidentally it's the first day I am wearing Spanx.
January 21, 2012
Listening to the Stones tune "Loving Cup" and there's a line "I can run and jump and fish". Such weird things to brag about. Was Mick like hmmmm I can run and jump, what's the next logical progression? Climb? Skip? Fish? That's it, fish, write it down.
January 17, 2012
Sending my daughter off to Lucha Libre (Mexican Wrestling) camp this summer. She is going to wrestle under the name Blue-eyed Devil.
January 16, 2012
January 14, 2012I knew our sailing trip was in trouble when the name of the catamaran was The Andrea Gale.
January 14, 2012
Anybody know how to say "That coke isn't mine, and the stripper was dead when I got here." in Spanish?
January 13, 2012
In Mexico for the first time, I expected the landscaping to be a little better.
January 12, 2011
After a careful discussion around the meaning of the song "Scotty Doesn't Know" from the movie "EuroTrip", my daughter says "I sure hope that Scotty doesn't hear this song."
January 11, 2012
Two days until Cancun. Odds of me getting sold as a sex slave by the Zetas drug cartel are currently at 6 to 1.
January 10, 2012
My new favorite thing is to go to kids parties, hug the birthday girl, look at my daughter and mouth the words "my princess".
January 6, 2012
One week until Cancun. Time to break out the Dora the Explorer and learn me some Spanish. Does anyone remember which season has the episode where she goes through the chocolate forest to get to the donkey show?
January 5, 2012
I was just on Ancestry.com and found out that there are at least three Rusty's in my family tree. That explains my secret love of Mountain Dew and Wipeout.
January 1, 2012
I don't think that my friends, family and neighbors are enjoying the kick ass bullhorn I got for x-mas nearly as much as I am. I woke the wife up this morning by asking her to return her seat back and tray table to its full and upright position.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Facebook in December
December 29, 2011
We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.
December 27, 2011
I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.
December 25, 2011
I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!
December 24, 2011
The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.
December 22, 2011
I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.
December 21, 2011
I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.
December 16, 2011
Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".
December 16, 2011
Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.
December 15, 2011
Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.
December 14, 2011
I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".
December 10, 2011
Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.
December 09, 2011
Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.
December 08, 2011
Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.
December 06, 2011
While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.
December 05, 2011
Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.
December 03, 2011
I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.
December 01, 2011
The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Facebook in November
November 30, 2011 at 8:18 am
Pregnant with baby number two!!!!! We are very excited and can’t wait to see how this life changing event unfolds. So happy for Kourtney Kardashian.
November 27, 2011 at 8:29 am
Some of you may have heard about our family's tragic news, my daughter saw a bug this morning. We think she's going to make it, but thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
November 26, 2011 at 11:01 am
Undefeated in the 10 yard dash at the playground today. Kicking ass and taking names. Better luck next time; Caitlyn, Parker, Tatum, Mackenzie and Madison.
November 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm
At the lighting of the Xmas tree in Reston, VA. To take part in this Norman Rockwell wet dream, break out your best Gap sweater and remember there's a two kid minimum.
November 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm
I used to think I had a cool, hip wife, then I found out that she’s been to Michael’s three times today.
November 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm
If I end up going to the Bob Seger concert tonight, I am going to slow dance the shit out of “We’ve Got Tonight”, middle-school style.
November 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Every year at my in-laws we play a game after Thanksgiving dinner. This year it’s my turn to choose, and I’m going with spin the bottle. I just hope that my father-in-law doesn’t taste like gin and cranberry sauce.
November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm
My daughter is the only kid in the family under the age of 22. She is going to be the poster child for the saddest Thanksgiving Kid’s table of all time.
N
Bad News: I hit a possum on the way home last night. Good News: My company potluck is today. Hello silver lining.
November 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm
With the holidays fast approaching it’s time to check on my two New year’s resolutions:
- Eat a vegetable other than a potato
- Befriend a midget so that I can obnoxiously go around yelling “Say hello to my little friend”. Damn, it looks like I’m 0 for 2.
November 20, 2011 at 10:05 am
It’s been awhile since I woke up with a club stamp on my hand. I think the last time was when I got a free t-shirt at Club Vandersexxx in Amsterdam.
November 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Just updated my resume to include creating kick ass iPod playlists to my list of skills.
November 19, 2011 at 11:41 am
I’ve been styling my chest hair for an hour already. That can only mean one thing…It’s Super Diamond Saturday.
November 16, 2011 at 8:54 am
I’m totally jealous of my daughter because she can get her entire hand all the way to the bottom of a Pringles can.
November 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm
My buddy has been waking up at night screaming from the explosions in his head. Sadly, he’s not a vet with PTSD, he just plays Call of Duty waaaaay too much.
November 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Today is “I love to write day” so here is my Haiku:
I love to write day
Makes me want to celebrate
I hate to read day
November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm
When my daughter was 2 she had a cyst taken out of her neck leaving a small scar. What I will be telling her future boyfriends is that she had her Adam’s Apple removed because we always wanted a girl.
November 13, 2011 at 8:33 am
The wife turns 40 today. I overheard her on the phone last night telling her sister that all she wanted for her birthday was a big black clock for her entry way. At least I hope she said clock.
November 12, 2011 at 10:53 am
Checking out some roller derby tonight. I just know that I’m going to feel so under-pierced.
November 9, 2011 at 9:21 am
Piano bar with my company tomorrow. I’ve been working on my pick-up lines: “Hi, my name is Paul and I’m a real estate novelist. Have any of you ladies seen Davy?
November 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm
The Duggar family announced that they are having baby #20. I know what my turtleneck sweater looks like after I’ve worn it 20 times, so I can only imagine…
November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am
Every time I complimented my daughter last night she took off an article of clothing. I had to convince her that just because a guy says you look nice doesn’t mean you immediately take off your skirt.
November 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Mike Shanahan and his family were at the table next to us during lunch today. I’m not saying that the guy needs to give the tanning bed a rest, but at first glance I thought he was Elmo.
November 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm
My daughter always cheats at Uno. I tried explaining that she’s only cheating herself, but she was too busy doing crotch chops and yelling” I’m the best and you’re the rest”.
November 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm
My daughter is excited to start her pageant career, but I had to explain to her that “pooping like a man” doesn’t qualify as a talent.
November 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Best part of my day was realizing that I still know every word to the fast part of
“Hook” by Blues Traveler.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Facebook in October
October 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm
My wife's greatest fear, alone with me in a movie theater. Let the incessant requests for inappropriate touching begin.
October 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm
I just bought my wife a sewing machine from woot.com for her birthday. If she plays her cards right, maybe she'll get a loom for x-mas. Back off ladies I'm taken.
October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm
The wife asked "Do you want your half-shirt folded or hung up?". Surprisingly, thrown out was not part of her question, so the game "How many candy corns can I get in my belly-button?" is back on for tonight.
October 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I may have bought my Halloween candy too early, because I now need to buy it again. I have about as much will power as Gary Glitter in a Bangkok YWCA.
October 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Watching Caillou tonight and at the beach they don't have any nipples or belly-buttons, and then at the pool they magically appear. I told the little one that if she doesn't behave the nipple fairy will come and steal her "buttons".
October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am
Is there anything better than four lesbians covering Zeppelin tunes? I'll know the answer later tonight if I can find parking among all the Subaru Outbacks.
October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm
My daughter has her Halloween costume down to two choices, a mermaid or Casey Anthony. The jury's still out on which one she'll go with.
October 21, 2011 at 8:41 am
This morning I guessed my kids art project on the first try. What do I win?
October 20, 2011 at 8:23 am
This morning I uttered the following phrase for the first time in my life: "Shit, I forgot to make banana bread." Sometimes, I really hate myself.
October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm
I feel weird giving a "like" to pictures of other peoples kids, but I guess it's better than leaving the comment "Soooo sexy".
October 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I wish that i got excited about anything as much as my daughter gets excited about watching Scooby Doo.
October 17, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Saturday night at the Pens game, the wife and I were on JumboTron. This is bad news for anyone who sits next to me at future sporting events, because inevitably they will hear me say "This one time at a hockey game...".
October 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm
I think the pumpkin farm we visited today was owned by hippies. There were a lot of people lost in the marijuana maze.
October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm
I think I just got suckered into shopping by the promise of food and beer in an "up and coming" neighborhood.
October 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm
My uncle said the Penguins tickets for tonight were 10th row and they're actually 11th row. Of course I didn't bring my binoculars. (white people problems)
October 14, 2011 at 11:52 am
On my flight last night I played fuck, marry, kill with the three women sitting in front of me. By the end of the flight I changed the game to kill, kill, kill.
October 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I'm pretty sure that the fathers of the wait staff at this bar owe their daughters an apology.
October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm
In Tampa this week. You know your city has a lot of strip clubs when the ATM's let you take out singles.
October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all black cast. Has somebody been reading my diary?
October 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm
A license plate that says “I Brake for Quilts” I just found my soul mate!
October 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm
I might have to buy a white trash cookbook, because I have to find a way to get more Pillsbury Crescent Rolls into my diet.
October 10, 2011 at 7:12 am
Good thing I've been playing the game Operation a lot lately. My daughter got a splinter, so I pictured it as a tiny wrench and pulled it right out. A few more games and I'll be ready to do my own vasectomy.
October 8, 2011 at 9:31 am
Week 4 of soccer and they're finally going to start working on their Brandi Chastain goal celebrations. Sports bras and spray tan abs for everyone!
October 7, 2011 at 8:29 am
Nutella on a bagel for breakfast. Damn, I love a nice warm nut-bag first thing in the morning.
October 6, 2011 at 9:15 am
I was feeling like backpack full of AIDS until I read my cough drop wrapper full of positive reinforcement. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and put my game face on.
October 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Best thing about Omaha, I just did three shots of ranch dressing and no one even batted an eye. If anything they looked at me like I was a lightweight.
October 2, 2011 at 8:32 am
It's a strong indicator that you don't have a healthy lifestyle when the first thing your kid says to you in the morning is "You're alive Daddy, you're alive!".
October 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Off to Lightfoot for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to eating a steak as big as George Costanza's wallet
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Facebook in September
September 30, 2011 at 9:46 am
Off and running on a 16 hour work day. I can't wait to tell the kid I sponsor in New Delhi, who spends 14 hours stitching soccer balls, to suck it.
September 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm
I'm at Costco watching a guy return a 60" flat-screen TV, and it's like watching Vada at the end of "My Girl" yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.
September 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Thanks to DWTS my daughter now has the scariest Halloween costume on the block. She's going as Nancy Grace's nipple.
September 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Time to do a little stretching before squeezing into my size 40 "skinny" jeans. Nothings says I'm bringing sexy back, like rocking a sweet moose-knuckle. Ladies, my eyes are up here. (You're welcome for the visual!)
September 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm
I got worked by a mosquito last night It looks like I have "War and Peace" written in braille on my leg.
September 22, 2011 at 6:32 pm
The circus is shaping up to be great tonight except for Creepy the Clown in the parking lot. I hope that was a horn on his pocket.
September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am
Circus tomorrow! So hard to say that without a sing-songy lisp.
September 19, 2011 at 10:26 am
"I can't believe we lost again!" Oh wait, it's Talk Like a Pirate day, not Talk Like a Pittsburgh Pirate day.
September 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Just saw some Amish girls at the Breezewood, PA Starbucks on Facebook...craziest rumspringa ever!!!
September 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I realized today that I've never heard the song "Ruby Tuesday" at a Ruby Tuesdays, but I have heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a Chipotle.
September 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm
Just walked to McDonald's for a milkshake, and contrary to what I've been told, when I got home there were no boys in my yard.
September 12, 2011 at 11:29 pm
I'm headed to Omaha, NE next month for work. Time to dust off all of my witty anecdotes about corn.
September 11, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Actually went to a party last night that didn't involve goodie bags or suspicious looks from soccer Moms.
September 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I hit an all time dining low today when I dipped a quesadilla into a bowl of queso. I think my family saw it as a cheesy cry for help.
September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm
The kid is signed up for soccer, so operation “full ride to UNC” is under way. No pressure, but if she sucks then we go to plan B, operation “put yourself through community college by working at Applebees”.
September 8, 2011 at 8:31 am
It's National Kiss Day, so I went to work dressed as Gene Simmons. I think I misunderstood the holiday.
September 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm
Having the lights replaced in our bathrooms. The wife wants recessed lighting, but I'm thinking strobe lights above the showers and a disco ball above the big tub would be more interesting.
September 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Cranking some AC/DC in the car, I just turned around, pointed at my daughter and sang at the top of my lungs "Yooooou shook me all night long...". I'll take awkward father-daughter moments for $200 Alex.
September 3, 2011 at 9:06 am
I woke up this morning and did three sit-ups in a row. Of course I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in Altoona last night.
September 3, 2011 at 7:01 am
Up at 5:30 am on a Saturday watching an early 80's Alan Alda movie, I'm pretty sure this is one of Dante's circles of hell.
September 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm
Signing my daughter up for tee ball. Based on years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos, I'll be wearing a cup at all times.
September 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm
I haven't done much prep for my fantasy football draft tonight. Anyone know where Brett Favre is playing this year?
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