Facebook in July

July 31, 2011 at 11:49 am

My daughter apparently learned to bury her poop by watching my sister-in-law's cat. Potty training, beach edition, is now officially complete

July 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

All you can eat crab legs, more like all you can drink butter. Someone get me a straw and a cardiologist.

July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I'm assuming the one set of footprints I saw in the sand this morning was when Jesus carried my drunk ass back up to my room last night.

July 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm

My daughter just went for a sunset walk on the beach with some Dutch kid. I'm sure she'll be fine.

July 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

This vacation condo's a rental so you know I'm gonna stomp the shit out of the floor when G-n-R's Paradise City comes on the iPod.

July 27, 2011 at 8:44 am

I'm off to eat my way into a saltwater taffy coma. So if you see a fat guy on the beach with sticky shit all over him, don't try and wake him up, just let the sweet, sweet taffy run its course.

July 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

By this time tomorrow I'll be sharing dirty needles under the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD.

July 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Feeling a little dehydrated today, I went to take a piss a small puff of yellow smoke came out. Is that bad?

July 23, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Reggae-fest with my company today. Odds of me dying of heat stroke while doing the white man reggae head bob, are currently at 2:1

July 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Just saw a woman in a burka pulling a suitcase on the side of the road. Must be strange for Muslim women to pack for a trip. Ok, if we do a nice dinner I'll need my black burka, and if I'm out by the pool, I'll want to wear my black burka, but if we go somewhere more casual, again, I'm going to go with the black burka.

July 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

I heard that my mother-in-law actually took off her sweater this morning. Damn, it must be hot outside.

July 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I must have been in a hot tub time machine, because there were phone books on my porch when I got home today. The last time I used a phone book, I tripped over my Rubik's Cube and tore my Men at Work t-shirt.

July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

For some strange reason these are the only coins I find in the laundry. When I wash my shirts I call it the starch of dimes. High five!

July 18, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Hey, 40 something, overweight guy riding his bike to work, you’re not in the Tour de France so why are you all geared up? Would you dress up like a clown to drive a Volkswagon Beetle to the office?

July 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Had a mini riot on my street after the US women’s soccer team lost to Japan in the World Cup finals today. I kicked the tires on a Honda Odyssey and then refused to eat sushi. White Rage!!!

July 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

I realized that my wife was hitting middle age this morning, when I counted 15 vases in our house, and only one contained flowers.

July 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Off to Top Chef star Mike Isabella's new restaurant tonight. Hopefully, it will be as good as Padma looks, or else I'll have to ask him to pack his knives and go.

July 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm totally quitting Netflix in protest of their new rate hike, just as soon as I get through the final season of "The New Adventures of Old Christine".

July 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm

New York has banned the sale of puppies to people who appear intoxicated. I don't know about you, but after a few margaritas I always pick up a Chihuahua on my way home.

July 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

These are pants, not shorts, and this Coke has no whiskey in it. Ahhhh shit, vacation must be over.

July 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

If the media ever needs my picture, I insist that they use my FB profile photo. Especially, if the headline is "Area Man in Critical Condition After Bar Fight with Handicapped, Little Person."

July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

After a week away, it's so nice to come home to a memory foam bed that has the perfect indentations of my balls.

July 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Turn up the AC/DC cuz I'm on the highway to hell (a/k/a the Pennsylvania Turnpike)

July 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I think my daughter is in love with her first cousin. It might be time to have the banjo babies talk

July 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

This restaurant is playing all the great tunes from my iPod. They are one 2 Live Crew song away from me going all karaoke up in here.

July 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm

The Crawford name can only be carried on by two people and one of them just went down the "Slip and Castrate" in the back yard.

July 3, 2011 at 10:31 pm

At last the grand finale, I didn't think I could hold this fart in any longer.

July 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

Big bucks, no whammies aaaaand stop! "You've landed on a vacation for 3 to beautiful Pittsburgh, PA. We'll drive you and your family 4 hours north where you'll enjoy dinners outside, an Olympic size swimming pool and an open bar. A prize package worth $367!". Road trip yinz bitches!

July 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

‎3 things I always do on Canada Day
1. Listen to the McKenzie brothers and Geddy Lee sing "Take Off".
2. Pay for everything with Loonies
3. Stand on guard for thee