Facebook in December

December 29, 2011

We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.

December 27, 2011

I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.

December 25, 2011

I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!

December 24, 2011

The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.

December 22, 2011

I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.

December 21, 2011

I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.

December 16, 2011

Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".

December 16, 2011

Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.

December 15, 2011

Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.

December 14, 2011

I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".

December 10, 2011

Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.

December 09, 2011

Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.

December 08, 2011

Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.

December 06, 2011

While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.

December 05, 2011

Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.

December 03, 2011

I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.

December 01, 2011

The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

Facebook in November

November 30, 2011 at 8:18 am

Pregnant with baby number two!!!!! We are very excited and can’t wait to see how this life changing event unfolds. So happy for Kourtney Kardashian.

November 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

Some of you may have heard about our family's tragic news, my daughter saw a bug this morning. We think she's going to make it, but thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

November 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Undefeated in the 10 yard dash at the playground today. Kicking ass and taking names. Better luck next time; Caitlyn, Parker, Tatum, Mackenzie and Madison.

November 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

At the lighting of the Xmas tree in Reston, VA. To take part in this Norman Rockwell wet dream, break out your best Gap sweater and remember there's a two kid minimum.

November 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I used to think I had a cool, hip wife, then I found out that she’s been to Michael’s three times today.

November 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If I end up going to the Bob Seger concert tonight, I am going to slow dance the shit out of “We’ve Got Tonight”, middle-school style.

November 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Every year at my in-laws we play a game after Thanksgiving dinner. This year it’s my turn to choose, and I’m going with spin the bottle. I just hope that my father-in-law doesn’t taste like gin and cranberry sauce.

November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

My daughter is the only kid in the family under the age of 22. She is going to be the poster child for the saddest Thanksgiving Kid’s table of all time.

November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Bad News: I hit a possum on the way home last night. Good News: My company potluck is today. Hello silver lining.

November 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

With the holidays fast approaching it’s time to check on my two New year’s resolutions:

1. Eat a vegetable other than a potato
2. Befriend a midget so that I can obnoxiously go around yelling “Say hello to my little friend”. Damn, it looks like I’m 0 for 2.

November 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

It’s been awhile since I woke up with a club stamp on my hand. I think the last time was when I got a free t-shirt at Club Vandersexxx in Amsterdam.

November 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Just updated my resume to include creating kick ass iPod playlists to my list of skills.

November 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

I’ve been styling my chest hair for an hour already. That can only mean one thing…It’s Super Diamond Saturday.

November 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’m totally jealous of my daughter because she can get her entire hand all the way to the bottom of a Pringles can.

November 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

My buddy has been waking up at night screaming from the explosions in his head. Sadly, he’s not a vet with PTSD, he just plays Call of Duty waaaaay too much.

November 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Today is “I love to write day” so here is my Haiku:

I love to write day

Makes me want to celebrate

I hate to read day

November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

When my daughter was 2 she had a cyst taken out of her neck leaving a small scar. What I will be telling her future boyfriends is that she had her Adam’s Apple removed because we always wanted a girl.

November 13, 2011 at 8:33 am

The wife turns 40 today. I overheard her on the phone last night telling her sister that all she wanted for her birthday was a big black clock for her entry way. At least I hope she said clock.

November 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

Checking out some roller derby tonight. I just know that I’m going to feel so under-pierced.

November 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

Piano bar with my company tomorrow. I’ve been working on my pick-up lines: “Hi, my name is Paul and I’m a real estate novelist. Have any of you ladies seen Davy?

November 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The Duggar family announced that they are having baby #20. I know what my turtleneck sweater looks like after I’ve worn it 20 times, so I can only imagine…

November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

Every time I complimented my daughter last night she took off an article of clothing. I had to convince her that just because a guy says you look nice doesn’t mean you immediately take off your skirt.

November 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Mike Shanahan and his family were at the table next to us during lunch today. I’m not saying that the guy needs to give the tanning bed a rest, but at first glance I thought he was Elmo.

November 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

My daughter always cheats at Uno. I tried explaining that she’s only cheating herself, but she was too busy doing crotch chops and yelling” I’m the best and you’re the rest”.

November 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

My daughter is excited to start her pageant career, but I had to explain to her that “pooping like a man” doesn’t qualify as a talent.

November 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Best part of my day was realizing that I still know every word to the fast part of
“Hook” by Blues Traveler.