March 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm
I hope it wasn't racist when I asked our black waiter to move the brown rice to the other end of the table and to put the white rice in front of me. Just to be sure I mixed the two together and hummed quietly "We Shall Overcome" anytime he came near our table.
March 27, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Leaving the casino up $50 tonight, I'm pretty sure I can walk across the street and buy the Pirates.
March 27, 2011 at 8:39 am
Staying at my Mom's house in Pittsburgh, so I ask the wife to play a game that my Uncle used to play with me as a kid called "Just the Tip" and suddenly I'm the bad guy.
March 26, 2011 at 1:01 pm
On a date with my daughter tonight. Not sure if I'm going to ask her out again, I think our age gap is just too big. She doesn't even know who Elizabeth Taylor is.
March 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm
My first pets name was Maggie and the street I grew up on was Crawford Road, so that would make my porn name...Ahhh hell no!
March 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm
I was inspired to write a children's book last night called "Goodnight Super Moon". Hopefully, it will sell better than my last one "If You Give a Mouse a Snooki".
March 20, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I just noticed that my dryer has a light inside of it. I don’t know about you crazy bitches, but I tend to do my laundry with the lights on. I’ve never been standing in front of my dryer going; “Are there clothes in there? Is that Amy’s underwear or a dryer sheet? I can’t see shit, if only this thing had a light in it."
March 19, 2011 at 9:21 am
Throw another potato on the barbie, cuz I'm off to that famous Irish pub, Outback Steakhouse, to celebrate St. Paddy's Day. Guiness, Irish for beer.
March 16, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Today is like Christmas Eve for alcoholics.
March 16, 2011 at 4:17 pm
My daughter is having a tooth pulled on Friday. Instead of a quarter, the tooth fairy is going to leave a gold tooth and a Flavor Flav CD under her pillow. Yeah Boyeeeeee!
March 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Single Dad tonight. Looks like my dodgeball record is going to a perfect 88-0. Bad call by the little one choosing to go skins. That's definitely going to leave a mark.
March 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm
The barber cut my hair so short, the wife asked if she needed to organize a charity walk for me.
March 6, 2011 at 4:27 pm
My 3 year old just told us the Rosa Parks story, apparently white people used to ride the bus. Who knew?
March 5, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Going to see the Justin Roberts kids concert this morning. I'm gonna destroy a bunch of 5 year olds in the mosh pit.
March 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm
The blame for my lack of weight loss lies solely on the Girl Scouts. I have Thin Mints stacked up in front of me like I'm at the World Series of Poker's final table.
March 2, 2011 at 11:26 pm
My daughter was poking the wife's chest and saying "I don't have those." I put my arm around her and said "Don't worry, I didn't get mine until my mid-30's.".
March 1, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Summer Olympics. Great, now who's going to come in last in the 400 Meters? I'm looking at you Latvia.
March 1, 2011 at 12:07 am
My daughter just gave her doll an adrenaline shot to the heart, sat back and said "Wow, that was trippy". Maybe the Tarantino double feature last night wasn't the best idea.
February 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Finally, the wife's eye surgery is over and everything went smoothly. I hope that my eye procedure goes just as well tonight, I'm getting fitted for a new pair of beer goggles. Cheers!
February 24, 2011 at 9:21 pm
My almost legally blind wife is getting LASIK today, she's going to be really disappointed when she finds out I'm not black.
February 23, 2011 at 8:06 pm
My Sugar Momma got her bonus today so she is taking me out for some high dollar grubbing. I usually don't allow any shenanigans below the waist on a weekday, but if she's lucky I just might give it up tonight.
February 23, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Just digging through an old box of trophies when I came across the weakest award I ever won. It was for running 10 yards and hammering a nail into a board. That's right ladies, I was the cub scout bronze medalist in the short run / basic carpentry event. I'll be signing autographs this Sunday from 2-4 at Home Depot.
February 22, 2011 at 1:04 am
Wind gusts up to 40 mph this afternoon. It's days like today that make having a kid in a bubble so hard.
February 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm
The NBA dunk contest is so passé, the WNBA layup contest is where it's at in 2011.
February 19, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Dear Five Guys, I love your burgers but enough with the goddamn fries already.
February 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Just talked to my crumb snatcher for 20 minutes about death. I have a strange feeling that her next playdate will consist of coloring with black crayons and listening to Morrissey.
February 17, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Going to see my neighbor, Casey, play some tunes at Jammin Java tonight. Hopefully, he won’t mind me getting on the wife’s shoulders, flashing my moobs and screaming “Freebird” during his acoustic performance.
February 16, 2011 at 4:19 pm
The boss had flowers on all the ladies desks this morning, I wonder what the guys will be getting on March 14th?
February 14, 2011 at 11:21 pm
Forgot it was Valentines Day weekend so we aborted PF Changs and stumbled onto $3.50 margaritas at the local Mexican joint. Goodbye lethargic Kung Pao wife and hello hopped up on tequila wife. Happy VD to me!
February 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm
No matter how hard I try I am always a total spaz when my phone rings in my pocket while I'm driving.
February 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I opened my glove box today and noticed that I've inadvertently compiled a kid toucher starter kit. There's a lollipop, scissors, stain stick, creepy sunglasses and a pair of little girl Princess underwear. WTF?
February 11, 2011 at 10:43 am
There's something about having toast and tea for breakfast that really brings out the 60 year old grandmother in me. Hopefully, my Rascal scooter will be charged before we head out to Red Lobster at 4:00 today.
February 11, 2011 at 11:46 pm
Damn it's cold outside, I just leaned against the car and my nipples scratched the paint.
February 9, 2011 at 10:12 pm
I'm not a shoe guy and definitely not a Crocs guy, but the slip-ons the Mrs. picked up for me are like having Rex Ryan's wife strapped to each foot.
February 8, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Teaching my daughter how women handle disappointment today by taking her to the mall for new shoes and ice cream.
February 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm
My daughter just came downstairs, streaked the living room where we were watching TV and then ran back up to her bedroom. I'm not sure at what age this becomes inappropriate, but I'm going to find out at my in-laws house this weekend.
February 1, 2011 at 1:55 am
In an actual movie theater getting ready to watch the Black Swan. Odds of my pants coming off during the previews is currently at 2:1. #aloneinatheater
February 1, 2011 at 4:27 am
I was flipping channels last night and it dawned on me that I haven't really kept up with the Kardashians, and I'm ok with that.
January 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Is there anything worse than expecting a snow day and not getting it. It's like standing at the gates of heaven and then being told there was a clerical error.
January 27, 2011 at 10:20 am
Top 3 answers on the board. Name something less painful than a 2.5 hour, 9 mile, commute with a cranky crumb snatcher in a blinding snow storm. 1. Getting prison raped by Ron Jeremy 2. Watching a "Bridal Plasty" marathon on E! 3. Being married to Mel Gibson.
January 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm
Ahhhh waking up to freshly fallen snow. Days like this must be really tough for recovering cocaine addicts.
January 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Bought a new couch tonight, so it's time to put the sex in sectional. Just have to wait until the wife goes to bed...
January 25, 2011 at 12:02 am
Just played the Michael Jackson game for the Wii, I pulled my achilles moonwalking to Billie Jean and in the bonus round I pulled my forearm masturbating to clips from 'Home Alone'.
January 22, 2011 at 2:50 pm
The wife just got home from her first hot yoga class, I haven't seen someone that sweaty since the last time I was in a Turkish prison.
January 22, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Watching "True Blood" with my grandmother. Unfortunately, she's afraid of Vampires so we just fast forward to the sex scenes.
January 20, 2011 at 6:36 pm
There's a kid at my daughter's school who is always hugging and jumping on the girls, I think that Lifetime should make a movie about him called “The Play Date Rapist”.
January 19, 2011 at 8:21 am
Sitting in the Jamaica airport waiting to head out. Luckily, I only used the term "mon" once during this trip which helped lower my international douche rating (IDR).
January 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
I just saw James Earl Jones in the lobby of my resort. I told him he was great in "The Green Mile". I don't think he was amused.
January 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm
When you find a hair on your food in Jamaica, you get to play everybody's favorite game pubes or dreads?
January 15, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Updating my status from 35,000 feet. (This would have been cool in 2006)
January 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm
I've been diagnosed with lazy river fever and the only cure is a 4 day weekend in Jamaica.
January 12, 2011 at 10:50 am
Pajama Jeans are all the rage for women, but what about the thousands of men with mullets and mustaches who are begging for Pajama Jean shorts? I'm sure they want to be comfortable and stylish while drinking a PBR and watching wrestling on the TV.
January 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Starting to ponder the idea of a vasectomy which would end two dreams. My daughter's dream of having a sibling and more importantly my dream of being one of the shitty boyfriends on MTV's "16 and Pregnant".
January 9, 2011 at 11:10 pm
My new stool softener appears to be working. No, not Dulcolax, tequila, lots of tequila.
January 8, 2011 at 11:20 am
I just saw two Hispanic guys at Potbelly playing UNO. WTF? The really weird thing was when they got down to the last card they said "One".
January 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Actual quote from my daughter's journal as written by her teacher: "My mommy took me to the playground and then I went to see Daddy at the bar.". Looks like court ordered supervised visits are in my future.
January 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Day 1 of the diet, I mean lifestyle change, is almost in the books. I'd say 70% of the day I was hungry and 30% of the day I was starving. But hey, if I want to be rocking the Jesus abs by Easter it's going to take a little sacrifice.
January 3, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I haven't looked down in the shower and seen my penis in 4 years, I haven't seen my feet in two years, and this afternoon I wasn't sure if it was my daughter hugging me or a really weak midget with a mullet. It's time to break out the elliptical and get back to work.
January 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm
Company trip to Jamaica in two weeks. The odds of me waking up naked in a ganja field with my chest hair braided is currently at 4 to 1.
December 30, 2010 at 9:19 pm
I think my daughter has some Vietnamese blood in her. I left her unattended this morning and she painted her nails perfectly. That and the fact that she wakes us up every morning screaming "Di Di Mao".
December 30, 2010 at 10:48 am
My wife yelled to the little one this morning "Do you want your strap on?". Funny, I don't remember her asking Santa for that stocking stuffer.
December 30, 2010 at 1:20 am
If the Nordstrom shoe department were a galaxy it would be called the MILFy Way.
December 28, 2010 at 5:17 pm
The wife just gave me a Gatorade shower as I am about to win my Fantasy Football Super Bowl. It would have been more enjoyable if I weren't sitting on the toilet at the time.
December 25, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Being an only child on Xmas morning is like winning both showcases in the showcase showdown on The Price is Right. Everything is for you!
December 24, 2010 at 10:52 am
Please take a moment and think about the courageous men and women who are putting their lives on the line today. Those brave enough to go to Costco on Xmas eve. Please send prayers for my safe return, and if I'm not back by dark carry on without me. (Insert video montage of me pushing a shopping cart past a sample station with Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" playing in the background.
December 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Christmas isn't even over yet and the stores already have their MLK decorations up. I swear it gets earlier every year.
December 22, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I salute you Mr. late thirties jamming your tongue down the throat of Ms. early twenties at a kid themed restaurant. Clearly you exited the highway of good judgement a long time ago.
December 20, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Single Dad for the next 3 days, the rugrat finally weighs enough to play a game I like to call "Don't Tase Me Daddy".
December 19, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Just a friendly reminder for all of you wise men out there, if you order gold, myrrh and 2 pounds of Frankincense you qualify for super saver shipping from Amazon.
December 17, 2010 at 6:19 pm
My daughter wore 5 shirts to bed last night. I am hoping she continues this behavior through her teen years. The boys she dates will be like "I've been seeing Maggie for 2 months and I can't get past her 3rd shirt. It might be time to date a chick with a smaller wardrobe."
December 18, 2010 at 12:34 am
I just stepped on the Wii Fit and it said "Only one player at a time please.". I guess I have my New Year's resolution for 2011. Throw out the goddamn Wii Fit.
December 15, 2010 at 8:04 pm
My daughter just mocked the shit out of me for only getting 1 star on Angry Birds. So I sat her down and explained that taunting wasn't very nice. Then as she gave me an apologetic hug I whispered in her ear that she was adopted so Santa has no idea where she lives.
December 14, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Dear Potbelly, how about a little heat in here, it's really hard to swallow when my testicles are in my neck.
December 12, 2010 at 8:12 am
Sweet, this strip club has a kid's menu and the happy meal comes with a new Mommy.
December 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Single Dad for the next 3 days so it looks like we'll be playing a game I like to call Anne Frank. I put a diary and some supplies in the attic and if the little one makes too much noise I yell Achtung Juden!
December 8, 2010 at 8:02 pm
Last night the wife said she'd probably remarry if something happened to me. I said no problem because I already had her listed as Amy +1 on my funeral Evite.
December 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I'd like to thank my wife for cooking cabbage this evening. That smell really takes me back to the early 90's when I did that German scat film internship.
December 8, 2010 at 12:33 am
If a Jewish kid's 9th birthday falls on the last day of Hanukkah, do they just sing Happy Birthday and then have him blow out the menorah?
December 7, 2010 at 8:14 am
The knee-biter stayed at Grandma's last night, so naturally we raced home, chased each other up the stairs, tore off our clothes, jumped into bed and slept for 10 hours straight.
December 5, 2010 at 11:59 am
They should just go ahead and name the new restaurant at the mall P. Changs because we are going to eat the F out of that place.
December 4, 2010 at 9:29 am
I have a birthday party for a one year old tomorrow, does anyone have any cologne suggestions? I want something that says check out my van, but don't tell your parents.
December 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I've been working on some new song lyrics this morning: "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...". That's all I have so far, but I have a good feeling about this one.
December 3, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Teaching my daughter the "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" drinking game. We do a shot every time they say "Who". We're 20 minutes in and the little one is hammered. I gotta go, she just made her Ken doll tell Barbie to get in the kitchen and make him some pie.
December 1, 2010 at 6:32 pm
The wife bought a Pens jersey for herself today. Did she go Crosby? No way eh. Did she go Malkin? Nyet. She went Kris fucking Letang! Somebody's getting five holed tonight.
December 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm
I just picked up some jersey's at the Post Office and the way they were packaged the old man postal agent was looking at me like I was smuggling hash out of Turkey. I was like dude they're sports jerseys, FedEx delivers my drugs.
November 30, 2010 at 8:20 pm
My daughter refuses to stay in her room at bedtime regardless of the threatened punishment, so it's time for a little scared straight action. Honey, get me a chair, the duct tape, a straight razor and turn on "Stuck in the Middle with You".
November 29, 2010 at 10:59 pm
I think I just found the last pine needle from the 2009 Xmas tree, must be time to pick up this year's Tannenbaum.
November 29, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Considering assisted suicide for our fish Steve. Just need to make it look like he jumped from his bowl into the toilet and then flushed himself. Maybe I should have named him Macgyver.
November 27, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Thanksgiving Parade, otherwise known as lots of white people looking at fire trucks in the rain.
November 26, 2010 at 6:43 pm
I was outside the clinic at 4:00 AM for the $10 prostate exam, plus I picked up a do it yourself colonoscopy kit for only $40. Talk about a great stocking stuffer. I love Black Friday!
November 26, 2010 at 6:50 pm
Is it bad that that I just pissed gravy?
November 26, 2010 at 3:29 am
Starting a new tradition this year, going shirts and skins for Thanksgiving dinner. No complaining Grandma it's a tradition, now lose that turkey sweater.
November 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Happy Thanksgiving Rockin' Eve everyone! Can't wait for the Butterball to drop at midnight.
November 24, 2010 at 9:50 am
I've decided to conduct TSA like pat downs at my front door. This Thanksgiving is going to be aaaawkward.
November 23, 2010 at 10:15 am
Unless it's a tour of Taylor Swift's asshole, I am officially done with guided tours. Sorry, but I'd rather take a dick punch from Mike Tyson than listen to the 20 minute back story about the Dupont's fine china again.
November 20, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Is there anything better than your kid crawling into bed and snuggling up with you at 3:00 AM? And isn’t is awesome when they start violently coughing and projectile vomit all over your chest? I think she was confused when I held up a cross and started yelling at her “The power of Christ compels you!”.
November 19, 2010 at 9:23 am
On my daughter's pajamas it says "not fire resistant". So much for the game "Joan of Arc" I had planned for bedtime.
November 18, 2010 at 9:39 pm
My bitter daughter declared that I was not her friend last night. After a discussion about non-friends paying rent and how 99.6% of American 3 year olds are unemployed, I am proud to announce that we are once again BFF.
November 14, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Sporting a baseball hat today, otherwise known as the official sign of the un-showered man.
November 13, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Wife's birthday today, which means she's entering a contract year. Hopefully, she'll put up good numbers or else I might need to make a trade for some young prospects. Happy Birthday Mrs. Crawford, and good luck in 2011!!!
November 12, 2010 at 9:42 pm
I picked the perfect sunny fall day to take off work, and to celebrate this rare occasion I sat in my basement and watched a Blow / Old School double feature. Just gave the old middle finger to Carpe Diem and a great big embrace to Carpe Couch.
November 12, 2010 at 8:29 pm
For absolutely no reason at all I've decided to watch "Avatar" two minutes a night for the next 81 nights. Also I read on IMDB that it was rated PG-13 for "some smoking". I am very easily offended, so can someone tell me if it is full frontal or just partial smoking?
November 11, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Rush and REO Speedwagon on at Five Guys today, feels like I'm eating a burger in 1982. Now if you'll excuse me I need to put on my Members Only jacket and grab an Orange Julius.
November 10, 2010 at 2:30 pm
My fortune today was “Your ability to see the silly in the serious will take you far.” Maybe the payoff is coming, but it sure made me look like an asshole at my grandfather’s funeral.
November 10, 2010 at 12:18 am
Professional pix with the family out at Great Falls this morning. I haven't had real pictures taken since Arnold Jackson and I drank some wine in our underwear with that bicycle salesman back in the 80's. Oh wait, that wasn't me that was the molestation episode of Diff'rent Strokes.
November 7, 2010 at 11:17 am
Rug burns on both my knees from ping pong. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
November 6, 2010 at 8:15 pm
So many crafty projects going on at my house right now you'd think I married into an Amish family. Which reminds me I need to get out of that barn raising tomorrow, maybe I can fake a butter churning injury.
November 6, 2010 at 5:21 pm
I've convinced the wife to move to the metric system with me. Now I just need to convert inches to centimeters for penis measurement, and finish the lyrics to my new song The Metric Slide. "It's metric, boogie, woogie, woogie.
November 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm
My daughter started Spanish class today. I'm a little surprised that they covered the entire dollar menu on her first day.
November 1, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I get it when a kid takes more than one piece of candy, but when a Dad carrying a one year old grabs three Snickers it takes the fun out of fun size and he's just a dick.
October 31, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Just to mess with the trick or treaters tonight I will be dressed as Santa, the wife will be the Easter Bunny, and the little one will be Martin Luther King. Ho, Ho, Ho kids, I have a dream that your candy is hidden somewhere in the yard. Happy HallowEastmasMLKeen!
October 30, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Mother Nature has been so indecisive with this weather lately, it’s like watching a woman order dessert. “Ooh they have molten chocolate cake, no wait look at the crème brulee, definitely getting the apple crisp, hard to pass up the molten chocolate cake though, never mind I’ll just have a bite of whatever you’re having."
October 29, 2010 at 5:30 am
I'm not saying our new mattress is too tall, but I'll be sleeping on my stomach tonight to avoid an accidental circumcision from the ceiling fan.
October 27, 2010 at 3:26 pm
I just finished mattress shopping on this fine Sunday morning. I should probably go back to the store and un-handcuff the wife before the Steelers game starts.
October 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm
My daughter has her first dance class this morning. Luckily a space opened up in Pole Dancing for Toddlers, when her friend Cinnamon slipped on some glitter last week. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go pack up her Dora G-strings and Minnie Mouse tassels.
October 23, 2010 at 8:14 am
Here’s to you Mr. Song Request Guy, sure you have an iPod and could instantly hear any tune you want, but instead you pick up the phone and request “Don’t Fear the Reaper”. Then, you sit in your car for an hour waiting to bang on your imaginary cowbell before heading into work. I’m sure your friends will all be impressed when they hear “This is for Donnie on the South Side” because you sir are THE Donnie. High Five!
October 22, 2010 at 10:32 am
Last night my daughter went all Winona Ryder and stole some candy corn. So tonight on a very special Blossom we are either going to take her back to the scene of the crime and explain how commerce works or we are going to have my Muslim neighbor cut her hand off.
October 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm
I just sneezed while eating a piece of chocolate and taking a piss. I didn't know whether I should cover my mouth or keep my hand on my hog, so naturally I did neither and now I have chocolate all over the wall and piss all over the floor. At least I hope that's chocolate.
October 18, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Last night I learned that you can order a Happy Meal at 1:00 AM without having child services investigate you. The More You Know...
October 15, 2010 at 9:25 pm
That tingling in my pants can mean only one of two things, it's either Friday or I'm the reason the porn industry shut down this week. Now if you'll excuse me I'm about to go into a 2 day cough syrup coma. Bottoms up!
October 13, 2010 at 10:19 pm
I just spent an hour and a half trying to figure out which fire alarm was chirping and it turned out to be the carbon monoxide detector behind the curtains. If you need me I'll be down at the diner trying to not get my ass kicked by Sea Bass.
October 14, 2010 at 6:33 am
I guess my daughter coughing directly into my mouth for the past week has finally taken hold. I feel like I got hit by a truck full of AIDS. Somebody make me a quilt, stat!
October 11, 2010 at 6:24 pm
I got out of the shower this morning and my daughter was in her room singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiime!". I'm now living with a three year old version of Pauly D. I guess we'll be doing some G.T.L. after daycare today.
October 11, 2010 at 10:32 am
Guy Fieri can kiss my man marbles because I Triple D'd the shit out of Chicago this weekend.
October 11, 2010 at 3:41 am
Spending the morning at a heavy petting zoo, and I'm feeling a little sheepish.
October 10, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Just got kicked out of the kids section of the library because I didn't have my daughter with me. Librarians sure do love to cock block.
October 8, 2010 at 5:39 pm
First flight with the rugrat today. I'm packing the left over Ruhipnol from my dating years just in case.
October 5, 2010 at 9:43 pm
I hate getting my picture taken for photo ID's. I basically have two looks, special needs employee of the month or serial killer.
October 4, 2010 at 9:17 pm
Neighbor is out of town, so it looks like it's just me and the sister wives + kids for dinner tonight. I just hope there's no trouble up in Juniper Creek.
September 30, 2010 at 11:50 am
If you noticed I was walking funny today, it's because I've had a half a stalk ever since I loaded the XM app onto my iPhone.
September 29, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Sometimes you just gotta throw on the Weezer slanket and play some Wii. (I don't think the wife will be leaving home alone again anytime soon.)
September 25, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Thanks to everyone for the b-day messages. The wife said she will wine me, dine me, 39 me tonight. In other words a couple of drinks, a steak and asleep by 11.
September 22, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Saw a guy with the license plate "HAZ BEMR" this weekend, I guess "MJR DBAG" was already taken.
September 20, 2010 at 8:01 pm
My daughter had her first Twix yesterday and it was like watching a drug addict shoot up for the first time. I am already preparing my Halloween intervention speech: "Your candy consumption has affected me negatively in the following ways...".
September 20, 2010 at 7:10 pm
I always wondered what an $11 Coors Light would taste like and thanks to the kind folks at Jiffy Lube Pavillion last night I was able to satisfy my curiosity.
September 19, 2010 at 8:34 pm
Rush is about to go on, I've seen more ethnically diverse Klan rallies.
September 18, 2010 at 7:44 am
Garage sale tomorrow morning. Stop by if you need an American made, "slightly" used woman or a toddler that is out of the box, but still in good condition. Make your best offer.
September 17, 2010 at 10:09 am
Looks like the Halloween costume decision is down to two options, a purple fairy or Stephen Hawking. The wheelchair is on backorder for the S.H. costume, so we'll see if it gets here in time.
September 15, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Apparently the other father at the playground tonight read the parenting guide "How to Raise a Stripper", because he was treating his two year old like an asshole just for being a kid. Plus, it's not often you see a tramp stamp on a toddler.
September 11, 2010 at 7:34 pm
I should be driving to the 'Burgh this morning but Kohl's is having a sale. Tough call.
September 11, 2010 at 9:00 am
Attending my Mother-in-law's birthday bash tonight. The family all pitched in to get her an authentic Tijuana Donkey Show. I'm glad she can finally check that one off the old bucket list. I wonder if they'll let my daughter go for a quick ride before the performance gets underway.
September 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Well spank my ass and call me Charlie, the wife is at a bar doing her fantasy football draft and I'm at home giving the knee-biter a bath. Something isn't right here...SMH
September 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm
It's a "Stuff White People Like" kind of day here in Virginia. Parade in the morning for the little one, then Herndon Wine and Beer festival in the afternoon for the big one. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go put on the middle-aged father uniform, plaid shorts, polo, flip-flops and a baseball cap, and for extra douchiness I'll carry around a venti Starbucks latte.
September 6, 2010 at 8:54 am
I applied the Deet like Snooki getting a spray tan last night and I still got eaten alive.
September 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm
I have a burning desire to eat some meatballs and then build a large piece of furniture using only an Allen wrench. I'm looking at you, Ikea.
September 4, 2010 at 8:50 am
Three day weekend bitches! Finally get some time in the gym to work out the kinks in my pommel horse routine. Gotta get it tight for London in 2012.
September 3, 2010 at 9:56 am
Only a few days left to pee in the pool and then it's back to just toilets and bushes :(
September 2, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Looks like I'll be growing out my sideburns and heading over to the Peach Pit later to celebrate 9-02-10.
September 1, 2010 at 9:59 pm
My jaw was killing me at dinner tonight, so it might be time to give up the second gig making extra money in the park. At least I can stop carrying mouthwash everywhere I go.
August 31, 2010 at 6:35 pm
My brother just landed in the Commonwealth from Chicago. Nice to finally have some help digging all of these shallow graves. My three year old doesn't quite have her technique down yet.
August 31, 2010 at 11:23 am
The most difficult part of fantasy football for me is coming up with a team name. I like Favre Dollar Footlongs, Manning vs. Food and Touchdown My Pants, but those weren't my ideas so I went with Prestige Worldwide.
August 28, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Having new carpeting put in the basement today that doesn't cause carpet burns. At least that's what I told the wife, giggity-giggity.
August 26, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Apparently my daughter has a new crush on a kid at her daycare that she described to me as having a huge backpack, a fact that my cougar wife confirmed this morning. I guess I’m glad that she’s moved on from admiring the 30 year old neighbor with a pregnant wife, but I’m not thrilled that she is already becoming a size queen.
August 26, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Hope the wife is wearing two pairs of underwear tonight, her musical man crush John Butler is minutes from taking the stage.
August 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Grab a shot of tequila and a Fosters because it's international date night. Kicking it off with some Peruvian food, then off to see Australia's Xavier Rudd open for Mexico's Rodrigo y Gabriela. Time to throw a camarón on the barbie. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie - Oi, Oi, Oi, amigos.
August 24, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I'm watching the White Stripes documentary, when I hear this mumbling and banging coming from the baby monitor. I pause the TV, get a little closer and I hear this tiny voice chanting "Here We Go Steelers Here We Go...Bang! Bang!" It's officially football season.
August 20, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I totally spaced my fantasy football draft until the last minute. I was so discombobulated I think I picked Steve McNair in the first round.
August 20, 2010 at 12:27 am
Went to the Dr. and he asked me how often I check my testicles for lumps. From the look on his face, I think my reply of 5 or 6 times a day may have been the wrong answer.
August 16, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Taking my daughter to the movies for the first time today. I really hope she likes Inception, because I'm not leaving early.
August 14, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Tough call tonight, bikini wax, appletinis and Eat Pray Love with the girls or bikini wax, whiskey and shooting pool with the guys. Either way Ill be ready to rock the thong at the kiddie pool tomorrow. Let's get it on!
August 13, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Wife's company has had 3 people die in the past year. It's the only work place i know that has an obituary section in their company newsletter.
August 13, 2010 at 9:29 am
I learned recently that taking a piss and brushing your teeth at the same time is harder than it seems.
August 12, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Hard Knocks on HBO is totally my fluffer for the NFL season.
August 12, 2010 at 8:38 pm
So worth it to drop the extra coin on the high dollar steaks at Costco. I'm so excited about this beef that I could curse out a stranger, quit my job, grab 2 beers and jump out of an airplane right now.
August 10, 2010 at 11:33 pm
The knee-biter just got back from her first dental visit and apparently she didn't get any nitrous, her shirt wasn't untucked and he wasn't smoking a cigarette at the end of the appointment. I think I've been going to the wrong kind of dentist.
August 7, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Herndon Live getting crazy tonight. 1000 white people going apeshit, someone is going to sprain an ankle.
August 6, 2010 at 6:43 pm
I started using the FourSquare app where you check in to various businesses and if you check in the most you become mayor of that location. I am officially the mayor of Home Depot, ABC liquor store and Urgent Care. These may or may not be related.
August 6, 2010 at 8:06 am
It's 2010 why am I still downloading Billy Squier tunes? Because I have Shazam on my phone and the local gas station loves classic rock, that's why. I was shocked to see that my Squier iPod total has ballooned to a whopping 6 tunes, which seems a bit excessive.
August 3, 2010 at 8:40 pm
My daughter's first pet went to the great fishbowl in the sky this morning. My wife turned to her and said "Remember how we have 5 things to do before school every morning, well now we only have four."
August 2, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Just crossed off puzzles on Maggie's Real World/Road Rules Challenge training checklist. Next up, mastering physical challenges, unnecessary drama creation and binge drinking.
August 1, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Off to do some carpet shopping today. I just hope it matches the drapes.
August 1, 2010 at 11:48 am
You know you've been playing Angry Birds too much when you see a 2x4 leaning against a cement block and your first thought is "I hope I have a black bird for this level".
July 31, 2010 at 7:01 am
Hi kids, my name us Erik and my Dancey Dance is called the white man shuffle. First you step to the right, then you step to the left, then you bounce off beat and point at someone you know across the room.
July 26, 2010 at 10:04 pm
Just once this summer I want to step outside and not have it feel like the Everglades exploded in my pants.
July 23, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Old married guy moment of the week: I came downstairs for work in khakis, a Steelers T-shirt and docksiders. The wife looks up from her cereal and says " Wow, you really don't give a shit what you look like anymore do you?".
July 23, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Seeing an 80's cover band this evening called the Reagan Years. Tonight we trade in Lady Ga Ga for Kajagoogoo and drink cold beers to the cold war.
July 23, 2010 at 7:58 am
I walked into my daughter's daycare today eating an ice cream. The look of desperate envy on all of the kids faces as I worked that cone like a $2 hooker was priceless.
July 18, 2010 at 12:21 pm
Company bash at the National Zoo tomorrow. Odds of me getting raped by a silver back gorilla after a few adult beverages is currently at 3:1.
July 16, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I put together a promotional video with a co-worker for the all hands company meeting tomorrow. Part of me really wanted to splice in some of the delightful Mel Gibson phone calls, but the part of me that wanted to keep his job overruled this idea.
July 15, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Might be time to renew that gym membership, i just broke into a sweat emptying the dishwasher.
July 12, 2010 at 6:08 pm
My daughter's new catch phrase is "chicka chicka bow bow". We were in Target yesterday and passed this young, attractive couple and she yells out from the back of the cart "chicka chicka bow bow". They give me the WTF face, and all I can say is "What are you gonna do she's really into vintage porn soundtracks".
July 12, 2010 at 7:15 am
Haircut lady was money today. Mr. Erik, you like it short? Zank you. Mr. Erik, is good haircut? Zank you. Mr. Erik, you like back? Zank you. Mr. Erik you want happy ending? Zank you. She thanked me so many times you'd think I'd pulled her baby out of a well.
July 10, 2010 at 9:56 am
Quite the dinner this evening, a pride of cougars in front of me cackling away while sucking down margaritas, girl to my right sounds like Miley Cyrus and hasn't stopped talking since she sat down, and then we have the Real Housewives of Reston to my left with a ring so big she can barely dip her chips in salsa. We have a three horse race for most annoying table tonight.
July 8, 2010 at 5:30 pm
100 degrees and humid today. After two minutes outside I look like an extra on the set of Cool Hand Luke.
July 6, 2010 at 7:05 am
I left the party at my Uncles house to check on my daughter, and in those two minutes my old man took a header into the sidewalk and the neighbors house went up in flames. At least I had Neosporin and marshmallows so we were all good.
July 5, 2010 at 11:25 am
Putting away some bourbon by the pool like it's my job.
July 1, 2010 at 2:28 pm
"Hot Tub Time Machine" comes out on DVD today, I really hope it's as good as the book.
June 29, 2010 at 12:48 pm
A little emergency here, I just got some Icy Hot on my junk and I don't know whether I should stop, drop and roll or get someone to suck the poison out.
June 27, 2010 at 4:42 pm
National HIV Testing Day!!!!! I asked my 3 year old if she's been sharing needles on the playground or having unprotected sex and she said no to both questions. However, she has been lying about a lot of things lately, so we might still get her tested
June 27, 2010 at 7:49 am
Some beauty and the geek going on at this concert tonight. People are either at the deep or shallow end of the gene pool. I'm just treading water in the middle.
June 26, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Off to Red Robin for drinks and burgers. Ahhh whiskey and kids, reminds me of that week in Thailand I spent at Gary Glitter's place.
June 23, 2010 at 9:35 pm
To the jagoff who stole my new iphone off of the front porch this afternoon, I hope that you take it on vacation and meet someone with a Joren van der Sloot fetish.
June 23, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Just put on U2's "With or Without You" so I can re-enact the scene in Friends where Ross and Rachel broke up while I wait by the window for the FedEx guy to deliver my new iPhone.
June 24, 2010 at 7:01 am
Started using Google Chrome which has an "Incognito Window" where you can surf the net without leaving a trace where you've been. So far tonight I've ordered a new shield for my LARP event on Saturday, posted a blog entry to my Justin Bieber tribute site and watched a blind Chilean grandmother fist a llama. The best part is that the wife is none the wiser. Thanks Google Chrome!
June 23, 2010 at 1:09 am
We went to a Japanese steakhouse with the whole family tonight. I decided that next time I'm going alone in the middle of the day and insisting that they do the entire dog and pony show just for me. Dude, don't forget the volcano and the Japanese egg roll joke or you're starting over bitch!
June 19, 2010 at 10:12 pm
On this Father's Day weekend, I'd like to thank my daughter for waking me up with a titty-twister this morning. She calls nipples " buttons", so I had to explain that Daddy's buttons are just for decoration and that she should go play with Mommy's buttons from now on.
June 18, 2010 at 7:14 pm
What a debacle ordering the new iPhone today. I haven't had that much trouble spending $200 since I bought that Guatamalen baby off of Craigslist.
June 13, 2010 at 12:19 pm
3 shower heads + sunburn = me on the ground screaming "don't tase me bro"!
June 12, 2010 at 10:58 am
Just played the keyboard solo to Styx's "Come Sail Away" using the fart piano on the iPad. The wife was not impressed.
June 11, 2010 at 10:30 am
Asian friends help me out, is it not frowned upon in Chinese culture to pass gas every 10 minutes on a 6 hour flight? Next time I want a seat a little further away from Phar Tinga Lot!
June 10, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Final packing list for SF: Cork screw - check, Grateful Dead tunes - check, leather vest, booty shorts and a whistle - check, check, check. Let's do this thing!
June 9, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Two days until my long weekend with the Mrs. in San Francisco/Napa. I won't be wearing a flower in my hair or leaving my heart there, but I will be eating some righteous grub and consuming copious amounts of vino.
June 6, 2010 at 3:12 pm
My wife told my daughter that she could do ballet in a couple years. I didn't have the heart to tell either of them that with her body type it was more likely that she'd be doing crunk.
June 6, 2010 at 9:11 am
Funnel cake season is officially open for business, and that may or may not be powdered sugar on my nose.
June 5, 2010 at 1:58 pm
To the heavyset woman with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms who could barely reach the center of my head while cutting my hair, I'd like to say that I hope my ear print eventually comes out of your flabby breasts.
June 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm
My wife always folds down the pages of her magazines when she sees something she likes, but knows she'll never get. Maybe I should start doing the same with my Playboys.
June 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Off to the water park today. Just have to make a quick sign before we go: "Sorry kids, that's not a baby pool it's my belly button." Anyone know how to say belly button in Spanish?
May 30, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Note to self, change all of my jokes about fornicating with small black men who look like children from Gary Coleman to Emmanuel Lewis.
May 28, 2010 at 9:31 pm
I just took my three year old up two flights of stairs for the 5th time tonight. Not ordinary stairs either, they are steep like climbing Everest. On my last trip I'm pretty sure I passed a Discovery Channel film crew and I had to stop for oxygen twice while my Sherpa carried the knee-biter up the last flight.
May 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I went to 3 playgrounds yesterday and it was exhausting, I don't know how pedophiles do that every day.
May 17, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Time for some live music and bad decisions, Herndon Live we're on our way!
May 14, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Always strange when I get Maxim and Parents magazines on the same day. What do I want to read about first, how to get my toddler to keep her clothes on or how to get my wife to take hers off?
May 14, 2010 at 1:19 am
Game 7. Lock the door, turn down the lights, turn up the volume, pray to the hockey gods and then prepare to live and die with every shift, every hit, every penalty, every save and every goal. It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh.
May 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Wife is putting the kid to bed and then making me steak while I watch hockey. God, the 50's must have been great.
May 6, 2010 at 8:31 am
15 years with the Mrs. I might have to throw some foreplay in tonight just for old times sake.
May 5, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I was feeling a little bitter after a tough day and work, when I heard this little voice from the back seat say "Dad, it's like Cube says, life ain't nothin' but bitches and money". It's these father - daughter moments that I'll always treasure.
May 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Dear ESPN, we had a good run of 20+ years, but we've grown apart over the last few years. I just don't care about the NBA and MLB the way that you do, so I've decided that it's time to let you go. Please don't try and win me back, as I have already moved on and started much more satisfying relationships with the NHL and NFL networks.
May 2, 2010 at 10:33 am
90 degrees and wearing a suit outside to the Gold Cup horse race. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, free booze.
April 28, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Allergy season is in full swing at the Crawford house. My wife is in one room hacking away like an 80 year old who has chain smoked Marlboro Reds for half a century and my daughter is upstairs coughing like an 8th grader doing her first bong hit.
April 23, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Birthday weekend for the little one. She's finally turning three, so I can officially enroll her in that new drug mule training program she's been talking about non-stop. I'm also thinking about getting her a "Maggie Hide the Baggie!" tattoo.
April 23, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Just went to the store for goggles, tampons and a flag pole. You'd think I was playing the game "3 things to freak out the Wal-Mart cashier". Of course if I were playing that game I would have gone with lotion, tissues and "Little People, Big World" DVDs.
April 21, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Reason number 43 "Why Daddy Drinks". The fruit of my loins projectile vomited all over the back seat of the car in rush hour traffic and then came home and pissed on the carpet...twice.
April 19, 2010 at 8:29 am
Just saw the live Nick Jr kids show. To the chick playing Kai Lan, I'd like to say Ni Hao to your Backyardigan.
April 17, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Potty training the little one this week, although my wife tells me when she has an accident I'm not supposed to rub her nose in it and swat her with the newspaper. My bad.
April 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Ahhhh quality time with the wife and kid, all three of us are in bed using either an iPhone or an iPad. My family is officially a Steve Jobs wet dream.
April 11, 2010 at 11:05 am
Just had dinner with my daughter the waitress said "You guys are cute" and I replied "Thanks, we met on the Internet". Then this old lady at the next table started choking. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or flat out horrified.
April 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Memo to channel 5 news: When listing the serious charges for bringing drugs into a school, maybe go with something other than Comic Sans as the font.
April 10, 2010 at 9:17 am
Had dinner and drinks with friends tonight, feeling a bit wound up kind of like Tom Sizemore on Sober House.
April 9, 2010 at 9:24 pm
I like to listen to random songs at top volume in the car. Today's selection was "She Blinded Me with Science" and that dude was just totally dicking around on a Casio in his basement when he lucked into one hit wonder gold.
April 9, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Almost time to enjoy my two favorite things ending in "...key". Whiskey and Hockey!
April 8, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Scotty doesn't know...
April 5, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Bad news Catholics, Jesus saw his shadow so it's 6 more weeks of Lent.
April 3, 2010 at 6:54 am
Nothing says Good Friday like a nice juicy steak. Outback here I come.
April 2, 2010 at 7:32 am
Just saw a razor blade in the urinal at work. Either someone was cutting lines or performing a circumcision, maybe both.
March 31, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Watching "Life" on Discovery and eating Easy Cheese with Wheat Thins, I really shouldn't be sober right now.
March 28, 2010 at 8:52 pm
In the car my daughter says "You only like me when I'm angry". Two years old and she already sounds like all of my ex-girlfriends. I guess it's just a matter of time before she calls me a selfish prick and takes out a restraining order.
March 26, 2010 at 8:20 am
Things you never hear people say out loud "Oh sweet 'Wild Hogs' is on".
March 24, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I am the Oskar Schindler of Facebook the way I've been hiding people today.
March 20, 2010 at 7:09 pm
I was changing my daughter's diaper tonight and I said "That was a bomb!" She just looked at me and said matter-of-factly "Yeah, I poop like a man".
March 25, 2010 at 2:56 pm
I can download Gary Wright's 1975 mega hit "Dream Weaver" while taking a piss behind a cactus in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and yet the US Census Bureau still requires me to fill out a paper form in 2010.
March 20, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Back from Sin City, although my daughter's toy started dinging in the other room and I immediately threw $100 on the table and ordered a Crown and Coke from my wife.
March 18, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Made Vegas my bitch today. If it weren't for Chelsea playing like a bunch of no talent ass clowns this afternoon I'd be back on the plus side. That's right, I bet on EUFA cup soccer. Why? Because I can. One more round with lady luck tonight and then I'm on my way back home.
March 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I limped out of the casino yesterday not because of my jacked up ankle but because an old Asian lady dealer ass raped me. When will I learn to avoid them?
March 15, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Trying to convince the wife that the chicks on HBO's "Cathouse" are celebrities and thus qualify for the list of 5 famous people you're allowed to bang without repercussions.
March 13, 2010 at 12:16 pm
At the doctors office for my jacked ankle. They said to take off my shoes and socks but I might take off everything but my shoes and socks just to see what happens.
March 12, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Apparently all the boys were hugging my daughter at school today. Looks like I'll be going all Chuck Norris on some 2 year olds tomorrow.
March 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm
TLC needs to change their name to TMC, The Midget Channel. I just saw a commercial for yet another show featuring little people. I like a good dwarf sighting as much as the next guy, but jaysus feckhole I don't need to watch them 24x7.
March 3, 2010 at 11:34 am
It's my night to tuck in the little one so I am going to tell her my favorite bedtime story, it's called "Tony Montana and His Little Friend". Once upon a time in Miami there was this Cuban immigrant named Tony...
February 28, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Proud Papa Moment #87 - At Outback tonight the wife asked my daughter if she was a kiss machine, and she started jumping up and down yelling "No, I'm a fart machine!".
February 24, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Tax refund and the wife's bonus in the same week. Now the big decision, put it all in savings or start my own cock fighting ring. What to do, what to do...
February 20, 2010 at 9:50 am
My daughter asked me what the Kinks song "Lola" was about, and instead of saying sometimes Daddy's dress up like Mommy's and pick up guys in clubs, I just said it was about a girl who liked cherry cola. She said she didn't like girls who drank cherry cola. Maybe I should have gone with my first response.
February 17, 2010 at 11:24 pm
Question: What's over 5 feet tall, white, and irritating as hell to look at every night?
Answer: The snow in my driveway. I would have also accepted Bob Costas.
February 16, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Driving in Maryland is like trying to get out of the parking lot at the Special Olympics.
February 15, 2010 at 12:03 am
Going to see a movie today. The last time I saw a flick in an actual theater Burt Reynolds was the biggest box office draw. I just hope that today's film is as good as The Cannonball Run.
February 15, 2010 at 1:22 am
Time to polish up the hardwood floors, get out the new socks and dust off the sequins, the ice dancing team of Crawford and Crawford is ready to bring home the gold.
February 10, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Apparently my wife doesn't consider talking about my favorite South Park episode foreplay.
February 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm
Major kudos to all stay at home Mom's. After three full days with the little one, my tolerance for the toddler lifestyle is fading fast. If I hear Dora yell "Swiper no swiping" one more time, I'm going to kick her in the baby maker or should I say golpéela con el pie en la chocha.
February 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Guess I picked the wrong weekend to bury that dead hooker in the back yard.
February 2, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Got fitted for a boot on my jacked up ankle this afternoon. Feeling a lot like Lane Meyer skiing the K-12 today.
January 29, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I might have to change my daughter's name to Enola Gay the way she's been dropping atomic bombs lately. Even 60 year old alcoholics would be impressed with her diaper dumplings.
January 30, 2010 at 11:59 am
Just watched American History X with my toddler and before bed she looked me in the eye and said "Put it on the curb right now!". Then we just laughed and laughed. They're so cute at this age.
January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm
I'm a single Dad this week. I think it's time my daughter learned how to play a little game I like to call "Sports Bar".
January 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Just booked an all guys trip to Vegas and an anniversary trip to Napa. It's like i won the alcohol and nudity showcase showdown.
January 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Spent my final morning in St. Thomas praying to the porcelain god. You'd think after 20+ years of practice I would have this drinking thing figured out.
January 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm
I'm off to St. Thomas to live like Artie Lange for 5 days, minus the 9 self inflicted stab wounds. Now if you'll excuse me I need to practice slamming shots and doubling down at the same time.
January 7, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Will it ever warm up? The last time I saw my testicles Tiger Woods had a clean driving record.
January 2, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Can't believe it's already the 2nd of January, this year is flying by.
December 31, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I realized we've been eating out too much when we walked into a restaurant for lunch today and before I could open my mouth my 2 year old said to the hostess "Two and a booster".
December 25, 2009 at 9:00 am
When I am served food in a red plastic basket or aluminum foil there us a 99% chance I will find it crazy delicious.
December 19, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Snow is coming! Time to stock up milk, bread and toilet paper, which of course are code words for alcohol, movies and porn.
December 18, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Abba gets into the R&R Hall of Fame before Rush. Really? Who votes for this stuff, middle-aged women reliving their disco days when they did bumps in the bathroom while blaring "dancing queen"?
December 10, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Erik Crawford My two year old always lays down her action figures and then covers them up with paper towels. It looks like the cast of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse had a suicide pact in my living room.
December 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Erik Crawford I find it extremely weird that both the Ravens and the Redskins have marching bands. Do they draft guys out of college? "Hey Mike I hear that the Redskins are going to sign that flute player out of Georgia, he would have given Baltimore an amazing woodwinds section this year".
November 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Please sponsor a middle class white kid. For only $49 a day you can help her get those Uggs she's had her eye on at Nordstrom.
November 29, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Time to stuff the bird and then I'm going to head downstairs and get the turkey ready. Happy Thanksgiving to all of my fellow master basters out there, here's to tender thighs, and juicy breasts. Salud!
November 24, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Erik Crawford Always awkward to come when the cleaning crew is still in the house. Of course my 2 year old had to say "Hola como estas?" to everyone one that walked into the living room.
November 12, 2009 at 7:28 pm
My BBQ Chicken Salad at Panera was money today. The woman at the table next to me talking in great detail about scoliosis and bulging discs, not so much.
November 4, 2009 at 11:51 pm
This morning while drying off I got so sweaty that I had to take another shower. Time to lose some weight.
November 1, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Wow my nipples sure are hard... Oh wait, I just dropped a some candy corn.
October 24, 2009 at 10:05 am
"Ice skating bear kills Russian circus hand" - Might be one of the best death scenarios of all time. "Do you remember Uncle Vladdy? Yeah, the one who was killed by a bear on ice skates..."
October 23, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Ever hear a song you've listened to a thousand times and then you try and sing along and realize that you don't know any of the words except the chorus. Yeah, that happened to me today.
October 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm
From where I'm sitting I can see three randomly tossed sippy cups. Looks like the aftermath of a toddler frat party in here.
October 11, 2009 at 9:02 am
Watching the classic 80's ski movie "Hot Dog". I'd have to say it is certainly some of Shannon Tweed's finest work.
October 8, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Got up at 5:00 AM for a cloud computing conference in DC, let the hilarious hijinx begin.
October 6, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Daughter just won't go down tonight. How much Ambien are you supposed to give a toddler again?
September 28, 2009 at 7:11 pm
My second cold in 6 weeks, I have the immune system of an 80 year old homeless AIDS patient.
September 27, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Ahhh Friday, Mr. Alcohol meet Mr. Liver.
September 24, 2009 at 12:21 am
Single Dad this week, so I'm teaching the little one how to play blackjack and make the perfect margarita. Best damn "tea party" we've had all summer.
September 19, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Have you ever needed to yawn while you were out of breath? I found myself on the floor reaching for my inhaler, then I remembered that I'm not an asthmatic.
September 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I just watched fat people fall in love for two hours. Now I need to go get my balls out of my wife's purse and do some squats before bed.
September 14, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Amy is running a 5K this morning and I am cheering her on by waving my McSkillet burrito at her.
September 2, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Way too much Barney going on today. I might have to tell the little one that he died during a freak auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Then she'll say "Just like David Carradine?" and I'll say "Exactly, and hopefully just like your old man someday too."
August 29, 2009 at 11:56 pm
My daughter got bitter when I put on some P-Funk today. She needs to tighten up, or the next picture I take of her will be for Craigslist.
August 20, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Fat drunk and stupid may not be the way to go through life, but I'm going to give it a five day run in Bermuda. If i come back, I'll let you know how it worked out.
August 14, 2009 at 1:36 pm
There are always unattended full drinks in the breakroom, if I had some roofies I'm pretty sure I could date rape the entire company.
August 12, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I think my daughter ate approximately 12 grilled cheese sandwiches last week. She might be the only 2 year old who needs to take Lipitor.
August 1, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Friday night, time to crank up the classic rock, pour a nice tall adult beverage and shoot some stick. If only I had a mullet, a mustache and some jean shorts I could make all of the wife's dreams come true.
July 27, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Morning swim in the baby pool, Yo Gabba Gabba, nap, afternoon at the park, dinner, more Yo Gabba Gabba, bed. Solid day! I wonder what my daughter is doing today.
July 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Free burritos today, and now I have that Baja not so Fresh feeling.
July 14, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Now that my daughter has a big girl bed I need to explain to her what it means when the sock is on our door.
July 5, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Off to the 'Burgh to float in a pool for four days. Everyone can treat me like a Brazilian steakhouse, if I'm face up keep the drinks coming, if I'm face down then I'm done.
June 28, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I might try to eat my own weight in red meat today. Burgers for lunch and steaks for dinner. My colon alert level has been raised to red.
May 12, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Chick in front of me on the way to work in a new Prius ran over the median, a divided highway sign and then merged back in front of me like it never happened. Totally awesome!
April 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I am hating himself for watching Rock of Love on VH1, the same way that fat chicks hate themselves for eating an entire box of Krispy Kremes.
February 20, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I’m spending money like MC Hammer in 1991
February 17, 2009 at 10:39 pm
I’m pretty sure that the Daddy Mac wouldn't have been able to make me jump, jump.
December 17, 2008 at 10:12 pm
X-mas morning, family gathered around drinking hot chocolate, opening presents and listening to 'Hey We Want Some Pussy'. Now, that's a Norman Rockwell moment.
August 5, 2008 at 8:09 am
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