The Bang Blended in with the Day

Fourth of July means only one thing for the Crawford clan, a week of alcohol and mayhem at my Uncle’s house in Pittsburgh. We had representatives from nine states come together in an effort to kill brain cells, get fat on crazy delicious eats and catch up on the latest family gossip. There was also a lot of rough housing going down. I was throwing half naked kids around the pool so often that I expected Chris Hanson to sit me down at any minute.

During our visit, my uncle Vince introduced my brother and me to this little beer joint that was an oasis in the desert of jean shorts and mustachioed men who love their Iron City. From the outside it looked like a little hole in the wall until you walked inside and realized that the micro-brew gods had smiled upon Natrona Heights, PA. Here’s the deal, you grab any beer from the cooler and for $2.50 you can sit at this little bar in the back and imbibe. They track all of the beers you consume and after you drink 25 unique beers you get your name posted. My Uncle said that getting his name on the wall was more rewarding than earning his PHD.

As we headed out of the store I saw a random box of lighters and after picking through a few I saw the Holy Grail. A Daisy Duke/Dukes of Hazzard Zippo lighter. Katherine Bach may not have aged well in real life, but her redneck “come pound me in the back of a car while listing to the Charlie Daniels Band” look from the 80’s was preserved forever on the cover of my new two dollar lighter. SCORE!

Now that I had my lighter it was time to find something to catch on fire. Pack it up boys, it’s off to the liquor store and the fireworks stand. Per my redneck handbook you must always visit the liquor store first, so that your liquor and your explosives are in the proper ratio. On the back of the fireworks box it said, light a fuse, take a shot, count your fingers, repeat. Words to live by my friend. The grand finale of our hillbilly fireworks display ended with me soaking the front row of viewers by doing a cannon ball into the pool ala Shamu. The only way it could have been better is if someone tasered me as I got out of the pool.

Finally, I’ll leave you with an EZ Cheez fail that I realized over the weekend. On the back of the can, it says “For best results, first remove cap.” Absolutely, fucking priceless. I’m not sure what was more sad the fact that they had to print that on the can or the fact that I was eating EZ Cheez and reading the directions.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to open up an ice cold Tommyknocker Maple Nut and fire up the Daisy Duke a few hundred times.