Blog Soup

I recently found an old online journal I used to write in, and some of the entries were interesting, even though most were not. If my blog were a sitcom, this would be one of those lame clip shows, where the actors flashback to prior episodes, because the writers went on vacation. Unfortunately, I didn't go on vacation, I'm just lazy. Sorry, for the recycling.

May 16, 1983
I got my period for the first time. Soooooo embarassing!!! I went to the nurse's office and she called my Mom. My Mom was all excited and wanted to do a woman's day like they did on the Cosby show, but all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and die.
2008 Commentary: I think my journal must have gotten mixed up with someone elses, because I don't remember this at all.

April 7, 2004
Pittsburgh lost the lottery for the 1st overall draft pick to the Caps. Looks like they won't be getting this Russian kid, Ovechkin, who is supposed to be the next Lemieux. Kind of sucks, because the Pens were looking like a solid hockey club in the last 10 games of the season, despite still having the worst record in the league.
2008 Commentary: Can you even imagine if this team had Ovechkin on it? In case you were wondering the guy we ended up drafting 2nd overall in 2004 was Evgeni Malkin. I'd say it would have worked out for the Pens either way.

April 27, 2004
Steelers Draft 2004: I like that we finally drafted a QB. We haven't had a consistent starter since Bradshaw. We'll see if he pans out, but all the analysts think he's the man.
2008 Commentary: I'd say that Big Ben panned out.

July 9, 2004
Day 1 of our Michigan lake house vacation was great for about 6 hours. Then, I ripped my knee open jumping a fence. I'm telling everyone that I was stabbed by a midget in a bar fight, but the real story is much less cool. I got 15 stitches, which is fine, but I couldn't use the pool or hot tub for the entire week, which sucked balls. To make matters worse I had a reaction to the antibiotics and was doubled over with cramps for the better part of two days. I still had a good time, but it could have been so much better.
2008 Commentary: I'm notorious for vacation injuries, and this was just another instance of my out-of-town bravado, that resulted in a trip to the emergency room. I still have the scar, and I still tell the midget story, so at least I have that going for me.

August 31, 2004
After sitting in this cool coffee house/bar watching singer-songwriters on a dark, rainy, muggy night in Arlington, I ventured home about 11:30 pm. While attempting to navigate the maze that is the Virginia highway system I somehow missed my split, probably because of all the fog on my windshield, and I ended up doubling back a few times before getting home. It took me 23 miles to get to the club and 40 miles to get home, you do the math.
Frustration level is at 7.

Upon arriving home at around 12:45 am I grab my ipod, phone and run into the house having to piss like the slow, white, racehorse that I am. Just before entering the house I turned around and the truck is still running. Hmmm, that's odd, because I used the automatic lock to lock my doors....I USED THE AUTOMATIC LOCK TO LOCK MY DOORS! Well, ain't that a bitch. Of course Amy is out of town on business, so the one time the extra keys aren't in the house, I pull this moronic move. I run upstairs, piss, grab a coat hanger and the rod that opens the horizontal blinds. I try to break into my truck from the back window, because there's a little lock/unlock button.
Frustration level is now at 9

After dropping one rod into the truck and breaking another, I go into MacGyver mode. I place a wad of string between the window and the truck frame to create a gap. Then, I take a screw and place it through the hole at the end of the rod, and I use electrical tape to keep it all in place. Keep in mind, it's dark and I can't see anything, because my windows are tinted and reflecting the street light. I'm like Stevie Wonder trying to thread a sewing needle. After 15 minutes of hitting the button, with no luck, I go inside and try to get some light. Well, shit on a shingle, the power outlets apparently don't work on the outside of our townhouse. I'm so pissed at this point, I would have kicked Mother Teresa in the face, if she were kneeling there praying for me.
Frustration level is now at 11 (Well, it's one higher, isn't it? It's not ten)

I get my psyche back into MacGyver mode. I twist a small wooden ball onto the end of the screw that is taped to a curtain rod, and again attempt to hit the lock. After scraping most of the skin off of my arms squeezing through the back window pane, I achieve the goal. On the good side, the truck is unlocked, on the bad side, I don't have any curtain rods left in the house and my arms look like the Nazis faces at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Frustration level is back down to a 5

I drag my exhausted ass upstairs and grab some water. BAM! I inhale a huge gulp into my lungs. I drop the water bottle and fall onto the floor gasping for air. After almost throwing up and choking for about 15 minutes, I finally get back to a somewhat normal status, before falling into bed about 2 hours later than I should have. This night will certainly go down in the dumbass hall of fame.
2008 Commentary: Looking back, this night was pretty funny as an outsider, but it also is somewhat painful, because I cleary remember how it sucked so much ass at the time.


Well, there you have it, my version of a clip show. I know it wasn't on par with "A very special Blossom", but really, who can compete with Mayim Bialik for humor gone serious? I don't even think that last sentence was germane to the post, but I sure do love inserting Blossom references whenever I can. WHOA!

Will Erik lock his keys in the truck again?
Will he sustain another injury with the 4th of July coming up?
Will he get the courage to tell his Dad about getting his period?

These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap, errr, I mean Craw's Words.