Here Comes the Hurricane

I usually let Amy blag (blog and brag) about our daughter, but every now and then I like to put my spin on her progress. Between walking, talking, playing, and attitude, she has become the perfect storm, and old Captain Erik is having trouble keeping the SS Moo afloat.

Walking
One of her favorite activities is climbing the stairs. She knows that she isn't supposed to go higher than the first four steps, but she'll go right to the top of the fourth stair, look over to make sure I'm watching her, and then put her foot on the fifth stair. Her face is saying "What are you gonna do if I go higher? Carry me back down, oooh big threat I'll just go up again. Bring it on fucker!" They say what comes around goes around, and while she may not have my eyes, she definitely has my lack of respect for authority and need to test boundaries.

Talking
Her vocabulary is growing exponentially. You say apple, she says apple. You say thank you, she says thank you. You say son of a bitch I just burned myself on the fucking skillet, she laughs and says thank you. I know that I need to start watching my language around her, but it's hard to untrain my dirty mouth after 30 years of profanity. I'm pretty sure that she'll be the kid in class that teaches all the other kids the seven dirty words.

As a sidenote, in fourth grade I thought that I invented the term cocksucker. I said it all day at school, hey cocksucker, what a cocksucker, this kickball is a cocksucker. Then I came home and used it at the dinner table to a stunned reaction. My Dad asked me where I'd heard it and I said that I made it up. He informed me that I was not the inventor of the term and that I needed to look it up. I opened the dictionary and found out that cock was a male chicken. It literally meant sucking on a chicken. As a nine year old that wasn't very interesting, so I stopped using the term. That was until I saw Grandma eating some KFC in the yard and I called her a dirty cocksucker.

Playing
Playing for Maggie consists of kicking a soccer ball around the house. Sitting in her play area and messing around with every little puzzle and toy. Using the TV remote to record various programs such as Sex and the City and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Then we have her new love of emptying the entire contents out of the dishwasher, refrigerator and assorted cabinets. I was making dinner last night and I grabbed some chicken out of the fridge and left the door open. She had two rows of bottles lined up on the floor in 12 seconds. She was like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, throwing the ketchup behind her head, spinning the mustard and soy sauce at the same time. I glance over and she stops in her tracks holding the Hershey syrup, grinning like the Cheshire Cat knowing that she had found the Holy Grail of condiments.

Attitude
Finally, we get to attitude. She is selfish, needy, and demands instant gratification at all times, just like her mother. Kidding..honey I kid...you know I don't mean it, I like sex too much to actually say that and mean it. We're still on for tonight right? As if you couldn't tell from the previous stories Maggie is very full of herself, and what's worse is she knows that she runs the show.

On Monday she came up to me on the couch in full Three Stooges mode and jammed her thumb in my eye. She found it hilarious when I started screaming, so she did it again. Apparently, eye-gouging is now the game of choice at the Crawford abode. After I blocked my eyes, she moved on to give me a big ol' fish hook to the nostril. WTF? I start gagging from laughing and when I bend over she slaps me on the neck. I'm getting worked over by a toddler for Christ's sake. Based on her current resume, I think when she grows up she'll either be a wrestler, a dominatrix or a ninja.

It's time for me to change into my Hazmat suit and safety goggles, so that I can pick Maggie up from daycare. All I can say is that she'd better bring her A-game tonight, because I've been working on my sleeper hold and we are going to throw down like Cato Fong and Inspector Clouseau when we get home.

Wanted Man

Being the ultimate American consumer I am always looking for the next bigger and better thing. Here is a list of things that currently reside on my top 5 most wanted list. (Keep in mind these are attainable wants and not genie wishes. No lamp rubbing here, just a few more payments and I can get these out of layaway.)
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1. iPod Touch. A friend of mine just hooked one of these and I am extremely jealous. I wanna iPod touch myself whenever I see it sitting in his office. The problem with the Touch is that when it comes to iPods, size really does matter. 32GB just doesn't cut it, when I currently have over 41GB of audio on my current iPod. Throw in some video and photos and I am way over the limit. C'mon Apple get in the game, I am a guy with small hands and small feet, so you know what that means, I need a big black iPod to feel adequate.

2. Wii Fit. The wife actually wants this a little more than I do, because let's face it, the Wii Fit is kind of a chicky gadget. That being said, my six pack is more like a keg, and I need Google maps to wipe my ass these days, so I could use some motivation in the exercise department. If I get Wii Fit and Wii Tan do you think I could look like this guy by the holidays?



3. Philips Soundbar. I may need to change my underwear after describing this one. Surround sound in one long speaker, a sub, a built in DVD player and an iPod dock. It eliminates 5 speakers, the amplifier, DVD player and iPod connection. If it would go down on me I'd probably marry it. Ever since my brother-in-law, Bruce, got one I don't think he's left the house.

4. Ballpark Burger just released a Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger. I'm sure it will get me one step closer to having my first stent procedure, but damn if I don't want to try one of these. I'm a big salty/sweet kind of guy, french fries with a frosty, chocolate covered pretzels, whipped cream and sweaty cleavage are all aces in my book. Maybe if I get the Wii Fit I can justify trying one of these.


5. Matthew McConaughey Acting Class. I've always wanted to take an acting class and I think that I would be more popular in the beach communities and with the younger ladies if I had acting chops like Mr. McConaughey. "Alright, that's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older and they stay the same age."


There you have it my top 5 most wanted list for July 2008. Touch me, fit me, surround me, feed me and teach me. Alright, alright, alright...coool!

Does Anyone Remember Laughter?

As I mentioned in my previous post, TV is pretty much sucking a sweaty taint right now (nice visual huh?). So last night I landed on the train wreck Last Comic Standing and holy shit they should rename this show Worst Comic Standing or No One Laughing. Does NBC really think that this country is made up of a bunch of five year olds? About 90% of this show would only be funny to someone who has never heard a joke before in their entire lives, and even then, not so much.

First, you have the minority comics whose entire act is making fun of their own race's stereo types. The Asian girl (Esther Ku) making fun of being smart or driving badly or mixing up L's and R's, is this really still funny to someone? Ooh look an Indian comic (Papa CJ), here come the outsourcing jokes, ooh look a heavy black woman comic, stand back here come the attitude jokes. I'm not being a comedy snob because I like a good ethnic joke as much as the next guy, but c'mon at least try to not be so blatantly obvious with your material.

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Esther Ku here is a Haiku about how I feel when I watch you perform:

Shut up oh shut up

Shut up oh shut the fuck up!

Shut up shut up, Now!

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Then you get the lowest form of comedy, the bottom of the barrell, the dreaded comedy "team". More than one person on the stage automatically equals not funny, and if the comedy team is made up of twins, then you may as well punch yourself in the crotch twice, because they will undoubtedly be doubly unfunny.

There were a few tolerable comics that made it through to the finals, so there is hope that I might laugh once or twice during the remainder of this series, but watching this show truly only satisfies my masochistic tendencies.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go work on some material for next season.

So I was at a Chicago concert the other night, I know, imagine that a middle-aged white guy at a Chicago concert, go figure, and I was drinking a micro-brew, I know, imagine that a middle-aged white guy drinking a micro-brew, go figure, and this soccer Mom walked by with a huge camel toe and I said "Hey it looks like someone is smuggling a yo-yo into this show".

2009 finalist? Bet on it.

Summertime (TV) Blues

I know we've covered my reality show issues before, but I think it's time we revisit my supreme TV watching loser status. It's been really slim pickins in my "Now Playing" list on Tivo lately. With the writers strike pushing a lot of my favorite summer shows (Dexter, Californication, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) to the fall, I have been forced to fill my time with some extremely shitty reality shows.

TV has gotten so bad this summer that I actually checked a book out of the library. I'm not talking about a book on tape or CD, but an actual collection of bound pages with chapters and words. Granted I've only read 60 pages in three weeks, but hey I look at it on my coffee table every night and I feel smarter for having it in my presence.

Here are the shows I Tivo'd when I went away on vacation. In other words, these are the shows that I couldn't stand missing even for one week. I need to go all Oedipal and gouge my eyes out now. (I will skip the part about killing my Dad and banging my Mom, not because I'm morally opposed to it, but because I'm really lazy.)

Deadliest Catch
I get all warm and tingly when I hear Mike Rowe say the phrase “300 miles north of Dutch Harbor”. I can almost smell the Behring sea spray mixed with rotting fish and fresh crabs from my cozy couch in Virginia. Too bad Maggie isn't school-aged yet, I would love to help her make a model of the Cornelia Marie complete with Phil Harris in the wheel house smoking a cigarette and drinking a Red Bull.

The Next Food Network Star
This is the poor man’s Top Chef, but it satisfies my need to see people’s culinary dreams destroyed.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List
Love her or hate her she is responsible for me saying “Suck it Jesus” about 15 times a day.

Real World
Watching this show for me is like the teenage girl who is a cutter. I know I shouldn’t do it but sometimes you just need to feel some pain regardless of the scars it may leave behind.

Ladette to Lady
This is a BBC show that I somehow got sucked into. It’s like the play Pygmalion, but in reality TV show form. They take very un-lady like Brittish girls and try to make them into a high society snobs. I’m just a sucker for the Brittish accent, especially when the girls get all cheeky and snog at the pub while drinking pints and smoking fags with a bunch of their mates.

Moment of Truth
I can only watch this show with the Tivo clicker in hand, so that I can fast forward through the endless minutes of bullshit between questions. It’s pure voyeuristic masturbation watching these people tell their loved ones how worthless they think they are.

Weeds
This show makes me want to quit my job and grow marijuana everytime I watch it. If only I had the balls to deal drugs instead of creating websites all day. Maybe I should just do drugs and create websites for just part of the day.

Ice Road Truckers
As you already know I have a fondness for whorish BBC chicks, but I also love hardcore Canadian accents on guys with crazy tuques. I think it goes back to my youth when I watched Strange Brew about 400 times. These guys drive big rigs across frozen sheets of ice up in the arctic circle, and while this show has become incredibly old, incredibly fast I still throw it into the mix every week, because TV is just that bad right now.

Intervention
Watching addicts act like total assholes is completely entertaining to me. Personally, I don't need drugs or alcohol to be a complete dick, but hey whatever works. The actual intervention part of the show gets a big blup-blip (That's Tivo speak for fast forward) from me. I always root for the addict to relapse at the end of the show and go back to their self-destructing ways, but more often than not the addict is still sober. Although they crank these things out so fast the show will air on July 7th and they will have been sober since July 2nd.

I think I'm going to go and take a coma now. Wake me in September when ESPN has something to talk about again and the big shows come back to save me from staring at this book on my coffee table.

I Think it was the Fourth of July

Hey, I heard you missed me. I'm back! I brought my pencil. Gimme something to write on. I'm fatter, sun burnt and I have a rocking case of liver cirrhosis, it was like I won the John Daly dream vacation sans teeing off of a tall boy.

No need to revisit my days of fun in the sun, let's get down to the business of the week. This Wednesday I am going to see the horniest band touring today, the incredibly mediocre 70's/80's group, Chicago. My company's marketing team is getting together for one last hurrah before many of us go our separate ways. Nothing says co-worker infused good times like watching drunken old white people playing air trumpet and trying not to break a hip while doing the bump.

In honor of the upcoming dancing to the oldies extravaganza, I've been putting the needle down on some dusty old tunes. As I started humming the familiar ditty Saturday in the Park it hit me what an aweful song this is lyrically. Just for fun let's break it down.

Saturday in the park

I think it was the fourth of july

Saturday in the park

I think it was the fourth of july

It sounds like he is really unsure of where he is, and what day it is, so he has to try and convince himself by muttering the opening lines twice. And you think it was the 4th of July, were you so stoned that you couldn't discern between real and imagined fireworks.

People dancing, people laughing

A man selling ice cream

Singing italian songs

Can you dig it (yes, I can)

And Ive been waiting such a long time

For saturday

Time for some keen observations, better get your notebook out so you won't forget any of these gems. All I have to say is man, those are some great fucking lyrics. When you put in the line "A man selling ice cream" you just blew my mind, then when you added "Singing Italian Songs" it was just perfection. I could actually picture the guy in my mind selling orange sherbet while singing "Arrivaderci Roma". Bob Dylan is rudimental compared to your poetic genius.

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Just a point of clarification though, if you've been waiting such a long time for Saturday, then wouldn't you know if it were the fourth of July or not? Usually when I look forward to something I know the date of the impending event.

Another day in the park
I think it was the fourth of july
Another day in the park
I think it was the fourth of july

Here we go again. You're like Jimmy Two Times in Goodfellas. "I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers".

People talking, really smiling

A man playing guitar

Singing for us all

Will you help him change the world

Can you dig it (yes, I can)

And Ive been waiting such a long time

For today

Really smiling? Not just sort of Mona Lisa pursing, but really giving the full-on toothy grin. That line has got to make the final version of the song, no two ways about it. Ok, I get it, some hippy dude in the park is jamming tunes, while his brethren play hacky-sack, smoke bowls and reek of patchouli. Not really something I would wait a long time to see, especially back in the early 70's. Please tell me you have a big finish for this song.

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Slow motion riders fly the colors of the day

A bronze man still can tell stories his own way

Listen children all is not lost

Looks like you've heeded the advice of Mr. Leary and "turned on, tuned in and dropped out". I now understand why your lyrics suck, but LSD is not an excuse. Graham Nash went to Stone Henge on acid and comparing his song (Cathedral) to yours, is like comparing Hamlet to Hickory Dickory Dock.

Funny days in the park

Every days the fourth of july

Funny days in the park

Every days the fourth of july

All is not lost

I'm assuming you mean peculiar funny and not ha-ha funny, because a guy selling ice cream and a dude playing guitar aren't all that ha-ha funny, unless they were Emeril Lagasse and Stephen Lynch. Everyday is the not fourth of July unless you subscribe to the notion that everyday is the same when you're retarded. Which reminds me of an old joke: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Yes, I know they have a special VIP section in hell reserved for me. Let's get back to the lyrical utopia of Saturday in the Park.

People reaching, people touching

A real celebration

Waiting for us all

If we want it, really want it

Can you dig it (yes, I can)

And Ive been waiting such a long time

For the day

I know when I celebrate I always make sure to do a lot of reaching, but not so much touching. I did some celebratory touching a few years ago and it turned into this hassle involving lawyers, community service and registering on some sort of list. Reaching and juggling, that’s how I celebrate these days. If you see me with some chainsaws, bowling pins and machetes with outstretched arms you can be sure that I am in full on party boy mode.

I intended to write a detailed reflection of my holiday week, but dissecting Chicago lyrics just seemed like more fun. Now if I can only figure out what 25 or 6 to 4 means by Wednesday. Google here I come!

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