Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters

Yesterday was my final day as a single Dad. I have to admit, it was a very solid week for everyone. In fact, I think that some alone time with the old man may have even helped my daughter become a more well-rounded, and biologically informed individual.

Here are 3 things that Moo learned while Mom was away:

1. Everybody has nipples, usually two.
After dinner we were doing some rough housing when she threw up a little bit, so we went upstairs to change our clothes. As I was pulling her arm out of her sleeve she gave me a titty-twister, and then started poking my nips like she was a waiter using a touch screen. I went into a detailed explanation about erectile tissue, blood flow and how they were useful on Mommy’s but pretty much just decoration, like a bedazzled jean jacket, on Daddy’s. I’m not sure she understood my explanation, but she did say “Daddy two nipples”, which also happens to be my mafia name. And yes my daughter talks only using nouns like a foreigner, but hey, titty-twisters are like saving money on car insurance…so easy, even a caveman can do it.

2. Daddy will never be on the Bravo reality series Shear Genius
Maggie’s hair covers her eyes if you don’t pin it back. If you put a baseball hat and a Chico’s Bail Bonds t-shirt on her, she looks a lot like Tanner from the Bad News Bears. The remedy to this situation is to put a small pink band in her hair, wrap it three times, then clip that sectioned piece of hair so tight that even if she is in a knife fight like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, it will stay in place. The first day I only wrapped it twice and when I picked her up from daycare she looked like Nick Nolte’s mugshot. The second day I only used clips and once again Nick Nolte was waiting for me. My final day of hair care I went all hardcore on her and bickety-bam, that shit was tighter than Arte Lange’s pants at Thanksgiving. This time when I went to pick her up everything was in its proper place, thus saving me from reaching for the staple gun.

3. The difference between pooping and farting.
When I fart she says “Daddy Poop” and when she farts she says “Maggie Poop”. With potty training in the near future, I wanted her to have the skills to make the call as to when she needs changed and when she just needs to blame it on Mommy. So I pulled out the fart machine, I purchased from Spencer’s a couple of years ago, and we discussed in great detail, farts vs. poop. As a result of this conversation we also discovered that the keyless entry on the car keys also sets off the fart machine. Now, all I have to do is hide the fart machine in my mother-in-law’s purse and when she goes to open her car, voila, instant hilarity. We didn’t cover sharts this week, because I think that would be beyond her comprehension level, and I don’t think they’ve written a children’s book on sharting yet. Million dollar idea alert: Write a book called “Everybody Sharts”.

That wraps up my week as a single Dad. Now, it’s time to turn my focus to the NCAA tourney and perfecting my French braid technique during the commercials.
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Livin' La Vida Loca

Hi! Remember me? I used to be the guy who would post here 2-3 times a week. Production has been a little slow at Craws Words these days, and I blame the economy. I had to lay off several Oompa Loompas down at the factory, so I’ve been spending a lot of my time dragging fat German kids out of the chocolate river. Luckily, I have a lot of crazy events coming up, which means I should have a lot of blogalicious material to bitch, I mean, blog about.

Ok, let’s talk about the awesome new TLC show where an annoying couple adopts eight little people and then enters them into beauty pageants, it’s called Jon and Kate Plus 8 Little People in Tieras. In the pilot episode Kate bitches out Jon because he loses one of the little people in a pothole while crossing the road to get to the big Miss Bucks County competition. It’s called “Where’s Phil?”. Then, tune in next week, when one of the little people gets blown away at the beach and once again Jon is on the hot seat. It’s a very special episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 Little People in Tieras, titled “Where’s Sandy?”

I think I need my own reality show. Although, to get a reality show these days you need to be jacked up in some way. Maybe, as a family we could all amputate one arm and call it Six Legs, Three Arms. I could get all upset watching people clap at a concert. They could show Maggie trying to do Itsy Bitsy Spider. Amy could talk about how much she used to love to drive stick shift. Of course we’d also talk about the advantages. How much easier it is for us to spoon on the couch, and how we only had to buy two pairs of gloves for the three of us. We could also throw in some old comedy bits like: How do you get a one armed man out of a tree? Wave to him. Or we could be at a football game and the wave would come to a halt when it got to us. You know a bunch of PG rated shenanigans that somehow passes for funny in this dumbed-down society we live in.

Well, I better run now, I need edit the intro for our new show:

“Hi, we’re the Crawfords and we had voluntary limb removal to get our own reality TV show. You may think that we’re retarded, but hey, we’re on basic cable and you’re not. So who’s retarded now? We may have to do some things differently, and it may be a crazy life, but it’s our life.”