September 6, 2012
I'm not sure how he did it, but my wife was fully clothed at the beginning of Clinton's speech last night and by the end she was laying there naked smoking a cigarette.
September 10, 2012
Back to Tampa for work again tomorrow. Does anyone know a good trick for getting body glitter out of your belly button? Just asking for a friend, who said his shower looked like an episode of "Gold Rush Alaska" last time he was there.
September 11, 2012
Flying out of DC with my Muslim co-worker today. I hope that the TSA screeners get a good laugh at the fake box cutter I slipped into her bag.
September 12, 2012
If I've learned one thing from Facebook, it's that women really, really, really love inspirational quotes.
September 12, 2012
I had every intention of finishing the book I've been reading for 8 months, but now I'm watching a chick do flip cup using only her ass. Damn you overhead airport announcer for informing me of free wi-fi.
September 14, 2012
I'm all for cleanliness but the guy in the bathroom with me just took a piss and then washed his hands like he was preparing for open heart surgery. I wanted to say "Dude, how dirty is your junk?".
September 16, 2012
Apparently, the poster for this concert I saw in 1995 is now considered "vintage". I also got married in 1995, so it looks like I have some bad news for my wife
September 19, 2012
20 years ago today, I watched Amy do her 3rd keg stand in a row and I immediately knew that she was the girl I was going to marry.
September 20, 2012
My daughter came up to me this morning and said "Hey pops, give me some skin.". Looks like my efforts to raise her as a poor black child from the 70's, a la Navin Johnson, are paying off.
September 21, 2012
I was watching “The Big Chill" last night and when they did the famous dinner scene with the Motown songs, I started wondering how that would play out with my college friends. Somehow I don’t think that setting the table to Marky Mark's “Good Vibrations” would’ve had the same nostalgic effect.
September 24, 2012
To the girl in front of me at Starbucks: Using the drive-thru in a car whose window doesn’t go down is a lot like a girl trying to pee standing up. Sure it can be done, but there’s a better option available to you that doesn’t make a mess for everyone behind you.
September 24, 2012
Checking Facebook on my birthday always gives me a glimpse into what it’s like to be semi-famous, like one of those guys on Showtime’s "Gigolos". I just hope I can use this wave of popularity to get a last minute reservation at Ponderosa. Thanks everyone!
September 26, 2012
I had fried chicken and biscuits for breakfast and lunch today. I don't think that I'm using this Richard Simmons Deal a Meal set right.
September 27, 2012
I'm pretty sure the woman who just drove passed my house at the same time I walked through a spider web thought I was a mentally challenged, schizophrenic spaz.
September 28, 2012
I just shook my keyboard and an entire strawberry pop tart came flying out. I should probably stop eating at my desk.
September 28, 2012
I'd be more excited for Friday at 5:00, if I didn't have to work Saturday at 9:00. If only there were a song about everybody working for the weekend to cheer me up.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Facebook in August
August 2, 2012
Damn you Obamacare. My wife's birth control pills just went from $40 a month to free. There goes my argument for having to get my money's worth.
August 7, 2012
I will be participating in "National Night Out" or as I like to call it "Drinking in My Driveway". The white on white crime has been pretty horrific in my neighborhood lately. The other night I saw a guy put his newspaper in MY recycling bin
August 17, 2012
A few years ago my father in law was really excited to wear his new shirt to a family event. Being the jagoff that I am, I went out and bought the same shirt. Today he would have been 75. Miss ya buddy.
August 18, 2012
Home alone tonight. I thought I took some sweet pics for sexting, but my Grandma said the lighting was all wrong.
August 19, 2012
I just looked at the kids names in my daughter's kindergarten class and there is zippy chance that she will ever win a spelling bee or make valedictorian, but on the bright side she has a great shot at being the best driver some day.
August 27, 2012
I can't believe how much I cried when my daughter got on the bus this morning for her first day of kindergarten. The money we are going to save on daycare just overwhelmed me.
Damn you Obamacare. My wife's birth control pills just went from $40 a month to free. There goes my argument for having to get my money's worth.
August 7, 2012
I will be participating in "National Night Out" or as I like to call it "Drinking in My Driveway". The white on white crime has been pretty horrific in my neighborhood lately. The other night I saw a guy put his newspaper in MY recycling bin
August 17, 2012
A few years ago my father in law was really excited to wear his new shirt to a family event. Being the jagoff that I am, I went out and bought the same shirt. Today he would have been 75. Miss ya buddy.
August 18, 2012
Home alone tonight. I thought I took some sweet pics for sexting, but my Grandma said the lighting was all wrong.
August 19, 2012
I just looked at the kids names in my daughter's kindergarten class and there is zippy chance that she will ever win a spelling bee or make valedictorian, but on the bright side she has a great shot at being the best driver some day.
August 27, 2012
I can't believe how much I cried when my daughter got on the bus this morning for her first day of kindergarten. The money we are going to save on daycare just overwhelmed me.
Facebook in July
July 1, 2012
Apparently my Mom was in the hospital this week. She said she didn't tell me because there wasn't anything I could do. I said I could have at least signed a DNR.
July 11, 2012
Fried mac-n-cheese, chili and cheese sauce on a dog. I'm pretty sure that I in a few hours I will know what prison rape is like.
July 13, 2012
My daughter was crushing me about Mommy being the boss, so I had to pull the car over, get in her face and tell her who's the boss...Tony Danza.
July 13, 2012
I just did the walk of shame. I carried a bag of 5 Guys passed a Lifetime Fitness and a Whole Foods. Sometimes you just gotta own your poor decisions.
July 14, 2012
Last night the wife said she wanted a new car and I said let's wait a year. Today we have a new car. Damn, maybe my kid was right, Mommy is the boss.
July 20, 2012
They say you should dress for the position you want, not the position you have. What should I wear for reverse cowgirl?
July 21, 2012
My daughter just asked me to play Old Maid and I had to watch a YouTube video to remember the rules. (First World Problems)
July 23, 2012
My daughter's class went to see Ice Age, but it was sold out so they saw a cute little movie about a talking bear named Ted. I asked her how it was and she said "I laughed my fucking ass off.". I think her teachers may have misread the movie description.
July 24, 2012
I just bought a music CD and I had to slide it in with a bunch of other stuff, like a teenager buying condoms. I'll take a magazine, two Slim Jims, this CD, and a Cherry Coke.
July 26, 2012
Apparently my daughter is the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four, because she legitimately beat me twice in a row last night. I think it's time I start getting pretty sneaky on her ass.
July 26, 2012
I will be off the grid until Sunday. I'm filming an episode of HBO's Real Sex, where old people get naked in the woods. Please don't post anything funny or interesting until I get back. Thanks.
July 30, 2012
Dear women's olympic beach volleyball teams, most of us don't watch you for your bump, set and spike skills. Please lose the longs sleeve shirts and pants.
Thanks,
Men Everywhere
July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Apparently my Mom was in the hospital this week. She said she didn't tell me because there wasn't anything I could do. I said I could have at least signed a DNR.
July 11, 2012
Fried mac-n-cheese, chili and cheese sauce on a dog. I'm pretty sure that I in a few hours I will know what prison rape is like.
July 13, 2012
My daughter was crushing me about Mommy being the boss, so I had to pull the car over, get in her face and tell her who's the boss...Tony Danza.
July 13, 2012
I just did the walk of shame. I carried a bag of 5 Guys passed a Lifetime Fitness and a Whole Foods. Sometimes you just gotta own your poor decisions.
July 14, 2012
Last night the wife said she wanted a new car and I said let's wait a year. Today we have a new car. Damn, maybe my kid was right, Mommy is the boss.
July 20, 2012
They say you should dress for the position you want, not the position you have. What should I wear for reverse cowgirl?
July 21, 2012
My daughter just asked me to play Old Maid and I had to watch a YouTube video to remember the rules. (First World Problems)
July 23, 2012
My daughter's class went to see Ice Age, but it was sold out so they saw a cute little movie about a talking bear named Ted. I asked her how it was and she said "I laughed my fucking ass off.". I think her teachers may have misread the movie description.
July 24, 2012
I just bought a music CD and I had to slide it in with a bunch of other stuff, like a teenager buying condoms. I'll take a magazine, two Slim Jims, this CD, and a Cherry Coke.
July 26, 2012
Apparently my daughter is the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four, because she legitimately beat me twice in a row last night. I think it's time I start getting pretty sneaky on her ass.
July 26, 2012
I will be off the grid until Sunday. I'm filming an episode of HBO's Real Sex, where old people get naked in the woods. Please don't post anything funny or interesting until I get back. Thanks.
July 30, 2012
Dear women's olympic beach volleyball teams, most of us don't watch you for your bump, set and spike skills. Please lose the longs sleeve shirts and pants.
Thanks,
Men Everywhere
July 1, 2012
July 1, 2012
Facebook in June
June 1, 2012
When my wife runs an errand and it takes longer than it should, is it wrong that my first thought is to do something to create a solid alibi?
June 6, 2012
My daughter threw up at 8 and was on her way to school by 9:30. She may only be 5, but I think she's ready for college.
June 8, 2012
My daughter and her friend were up talking until almost midnight last night. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but I think I heard one of them say that Judy Blume's "Forever" was way better than "Fifty Shades of Grey".
June 11, 2012
I've arrived at Otis Redding's old stomping grounds in Macon, GA. Unfortunately, I'm going to be busier than that lazy ass dude who just sat on the dock of the bay wasting time.
June 14, 2012
I just said to my daughter "You have to finish your pizza if you want to get ice cream.". It's not fun being such a hard ass, but someday she'll thank me for all of the tough love.
June 15, 2012
My daughter is graduating pre-school today, which is the first step towards medical school. Of course the second step is divorcing my wife and marrying an Asian woman that will provide the necessary academic discipline.
June 19, 2012
My kid started at a new school this week. She told me the first day was rough, but today got better when she figured out the best place to sneak a smoke.
June 26, 2012
I went to get a haircut and forgot that my kid put a sticker on me that said "You can do it!". After 20 minutes I left because it was taking too long, and I'm sure they were all like "I guess he couldn't do it.".
June 30, 2012
Power is still out, but at least I finally got an answer to the age old question "How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?".
June 30, 2012
Power might be out for several days. Looks like I picked the wrong week to store a dead hooker in my freezer.
When my wife runs an errand and it takes longer than it should, is it wrong that my first thought is to do something to create a solid alibi?
June 6, 2012
My daughter threw up at 8 and was on her way to school by 9:30. She may only be 5, but I think she's ready for college.
June 8, 2012
My daughter and her friend were up talking until almost midnight last night. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but I think I heard one of them say that Judy Blume's "Forever" was way better than "Fifty Shades of Grey".
June 11, 2012
I've arrived at Otis Redding's old stomping grounds in Macon, GA. Unfortunately, I'm going to be busier than that lazy ass dude who just sat on the dock of the bay wasting time.
June 14, 2012
I just said to my daughter "You have to finish your pizza if you want to get ice cream.". It's not fun being such a hard ass, but someday she'll thank me for all of the tough love.
June 15, 2012
My daughter is graduating pre-school today, which is the first step towards medical school. Of course the second step is divorcing my wife and marrying an Asian woman that will provide the necessary academic discipline.
June 19, 2012
My kid started at a new school this week. She told me the first day was rough, but today got better when she figured out the best place to sneak a smoke.
June 26, 2012
I went to get a haircut and forgot that my kid put a sticker on me that said "You can do it!". After 20 minutes I left because it was taking too long, and I'm sure they were all like "I guess he couldn't do it.".
June 30, 2012
Power is still out, but at least I finally got an answer to the age old question "How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?".
June 30, 2012
Power might be out for several days. Looks like I picked the wrong week to store a dead hooker in my freezer.
Facebook in May
May 2, 2012
I just chopped down half of the tree in my front yard using only a hatchet. I'd like to apologize to my neighbors who may have heard me yell "Bear Grylls can eat my ass" as the wood chips were flying.
May 7, 2012
My daughter told the pediatrician today that I don't always put sunscreen on her. Looks like tonight's bedtime story will be the children's classic "Snitches Get Stitches" by Ubetta Zippit.
May 11, 2012
I’m discovering that once you put on a little extra weight all jeans become low rise. I’m just waiting for the day when I bend over and feel the swipe of a strangers credit card.
May 13, 2012
Despite years of training I'm 99% certain that my kid would instantly get in a van with a stranger for a chocolate frosted Dunkin' Donut.
May 21, 2012
Listening to Asia's "Heat of the Moment" and pounding the shit out of this table at Five Guys. (This post has been brought to you by guys in their 40's who still air drum.)
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 29, 2012
I got to play my favorite traffic game today. This dude rolls up next to me at a long red light blasting "Your Love" by the Outfield. So I pull it up on my iPod and fast forward until it's just ahead of where he's at in the song, then I roll down my windows and let it crank. I don't think he enjoyed the game nearly as much as I did.
I just chopped down half of the tree in my front yard using only a hatchet. I'd like to apologize to my neighbors who may have heard me yell "Bear Grylls can eat my ass" as the wood chips were flying.
May 7, 2012
My daughter told the pediatrician today that I don't always put sunscreen on her. Looks like tonight's bedtime story will be the children's classic "Snitches Get Stitches" by Ubetta Zippit.
May 11, 2012
I’m discovering that once you put on a little extra weight all jeans become low rise. I’m just waiting for the day when I bend over and feel the swipe of a strangers credit card.
May 13, 2012
Despite years of training I'm 99% certain that my kid would instantly get in a van with a stranger for a chocolate frosted Dunkin' Donut.
May 21, 2012
Listening to Asia's "Heat of the Moment" and pounding the shit out of this table at Five Guys. (This post has been brought to you by guys in their 40's who still air drum.)
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 26, 2012
Just watched my daughter eat an entire Costco hotdog in a record 34 minutes. By the time she took her last bite, she was sweating like Adam Richman at the end of a "Man Vs. Food" episode.
May 29, 2012
I got to play my favorite traffic game today. This dude rolls up next to me at a long red light blasting "Your Love" by the Outfield. So I pull it up on my iPod and fast forward until it's just ahead of where he's at in the song, then I roll down my windows and let it crank. I don't think he enjoyed the game nearly as much as I did.
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