Craw's Words

Facebook in December

2011-12-31T10:15:00.002-05:00

December 29, 2011

We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.

December 27, 2011

I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.

December 25, 2011

I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!

December 24, 2011

The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.

December 22, 2011

I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.

December 21, 2011

I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.

December 16, 2011

Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".

December 16, 2011

Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.

December 15, 2011

Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.

December 14, 2011

I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".

December 10, 2011

Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.

December 09, 2011

Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.

December 08, 2011

Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.

December 06, 2011

While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.

December 05, 2011

Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.

December 03, 2011

I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.

December 01, 2011

The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

Facebook in November

2011-12-05T17:18:00.003-05:00

November 30, 2011 at 8:18 am

Pregnant with baby number two!!!!! We are very excited and can’t wait to see how this life changing event unfolds. So happy for Kourtney Kardashian.

November 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

Some of you may have heard about our family's tragic news, my daughter saw a bug this morning. We think she's going to make it, but thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

November 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Undefeated in the 10 yard dash at the playground today. Kicking ass and taking names. Better luck next time; Caitlyn, Parker, Tatum, Mackenzie and Madison.

November 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

At the lighting of the Xmas tree in Reston, VA. To take part in this Norman Rockwell wet dream, break out your best Gap sweater and remember there's a two kid minimum.

November 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I used to think I had a cool, hip wife, then I found out that she’s been to Michael’s three times today.

November 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If I end up going to the Bob Seger concert tonight, I am going to slow dance the shit out of “We’ve Got Tonight”, middle-school style.

November 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Every year at my in-laws we play a game after Thanksgiving dinner. This year it’s my turn to choose, and I’m going with spin the bottle. I just hope that my father-in-law doesn’t taste like gin and cranberry sauce.

November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

My daughter is the only kid in the family under the age of 22. She is going to be the poster child for the saddest Thanksgiving Kid’s table of all time.

November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Bad News: I hit a possum on the way home last night. Good News: My company potluck is today. Hello silver lining.

November 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

With the holidays fast approaching it’s time to check on my two New year’s resolutions:

Eat a vegetable other than a potato
Befriend a midget so that I can obnoxiously go around yelling “Say hello to my little friend”. Damn, it looks like I’m 0 for 2.

November 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

It’s been awhile since I woke up with a club stamp on my hand. I think the last time was when I got a free t-shirt at Club Vandersexxx in Amsterdam.

November 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Just updated my resume to include creating kick ass iPod playlists to my list of skills.

November 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

I’ve been styling my chest hair for an hour already. That can only mean one thing…It’s Super Diamond Saturday.

November 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’m totally jealous of my daughter because she can get her entire hand all the way to the bottom of a Pringles can.

November 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

My buddy has been waking up at night screaming from the explosions in his head. Sadly, he’s not a vet with PTSD, he just plays Call of Duty waaaaay too much.

November 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Today is “I love to write day” so here is my Haiku:

I love to write day

Makes me want to celebrate

I hate to read day

November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

When my daughter was 2 she had a cyst taken out of her neck leaving a small scar. What I will be telling her future boyfriends is that she had her Adam’s Apple removed because we always wanted a girl.

November 13, 2011 at 8:33 am

The wife turns 40 today. I overheard her on the phone last night telling her sister that all she wanted for her birthday was a big black clock for her entry way. At least I hope she said clock.

November 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

Checking out some roller derby tonight. I just know that I’m going to feel so under-pierced.

November 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

Piano bar with my company tomorrow. I’ve been working on my pick-up lines: “Hi, my name is Paul and I’m a real estate novelist. Have any of you ladies seen Davy?

November 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The Duggar family announced that they are having baby #20. I know what my turtleneck sweater looks like after I’ve worn it 20 times, so I can only imagine…

November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

Every time I complimented my daughter last night she took off an article of clothing. I had to convince her that just because a guy says you look nice doesn’t mean you immediately take off your skirt.

November 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Mike Shanahan and his family were at the table next to us during lunch today. I’m not saying that the guy needs to give the tanning bed a rest, but at first glance I thought he was Elmo.

November 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

My daughter always cheats at Uno. I tried explaining that she’s only cheating herself, but she was too busy doing crotch chops and yelling” I’m the best and you’re the rest”.

November 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

My daughter is excited to start her pageant career, but I had to explain to her that “pooping like a man” doesn’t qualify as a talent.

November 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Best part of my day was realizing that I still know every word to the fast part of
“Hook” by Blues Traveler.

Facebook in October

2011-10-31T08:49:00.003-04:00

October 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm

My wife's greatest fear, alone with me in a movie theater. Let the incessant requests for inappropriate touching begin.

October 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I just bought my wife a sewing machine from woot.com for her birthday. If she plays her cards right, maybe she'll get a loom for x-mas. Back off ladies I'm taken.

October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The wife asked "Do you want your half-shirt folded or hung up?". Surprisingly, thrown out was not part of her question, so the game "How many candy corns can I get in my belly-button?" is back on for tonight.

October 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I may have bought my Halloween candy too early, because I now need to buy it again. I have about as much will power as Gary Glitter in a Bangkok YWCA.

October 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Watching Caillou tonight and at the beach they don't have any nipples or belly-buttons, and then at the pool they magically appear. I told the little one that if she doesn't behave the nipple fairy will come and steal her "buttons".

October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

Is there anything better than four lesbians covering Zeppelin tunes? I'll know the answer later tonight if I can find parking among all the Subaru Outbacks.

October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

My daughter has her Halloween costume down to two choices, a mermaid or Casey Anthony. The jury's still out on which one she'll go with.

October 21, 2011 at 8:41 am

This morning I guessed my kids art project on the first try. What do I win?

October 20, 2011 at 8:23 am

This morning I uttered the following phrase for the first time in my life: "Shit, I forgot to make banana bread." Sometimes, I really hate myself.

October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I feel weird giving a "like" to pictures of other peoples kids, but I guess it's better than leaving the comment "Soooo sexy".

October 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I wish that i got excited about anything as much as my daughter gets excited about watching Scooby Doo.

October 17, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Saturday night at the Pens game, the wife and I were on JumboTron. This is bad news for anyone who sits next to me at future sporting events, because inevitably they will hear me say "This one time at a hockey game...".

October 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I think the pumpkin farm we visited today was owned by hippies. There were a lot of people lost in the marijuana maze.

October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I think I just got suckered into shopping by the promise of food and beer in an "up and coming" neighborhood.

October 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm

My uncle said the Penguins tickets for tonight were 10th row and they're actually 11th row. Of course I didn't bring my binoculars. (white people problems)

October 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

On my flight last night I played fuck, marry, kill with the three women sitting in front of me. By the end of the flight I changed the game to kill, kill, kill.

October 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'm pretty sure that the fathers of the wait staff at this bar owe their daughters an apology.

October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm

In Tampa this week. You know your city has a lot of strip clubs when the ATM's let you take out singles.

October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all black cast. Has somebody been reading my diary?

October 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

A license plate that says “I Brake for Quilts” I just found my soul mate!

October 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I might have to buy a white trash cookbook, because I have to find a way to get more Pillsbury Crescent Rolls into my diet.

October 10, 2011 at 7:12 am

Good thing I've been playing the game Operation a lot lately. My daughter got a splinter, so I pictured it as a tiny wrench and pulled it right out. A few more games and I'll be ready to do my own vasectomy.

October 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

Week 4 of soccer and they're finally going to start working on their Brandi Chastain goal celebrations. Sports bras and spray tan abs for everyone!

October 7, 2011 at 8:29 am

Nutella on a bagel for breakfast. Damn, I love a nice warm nut-bag first thing in the morning.

October 6, 2011 at 9:15 am

I was feeling like backpack full of AIDS until I read my cough drop wrapper full of positive reinforcement. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and put my game face on.

October 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Best thing about Omaha, I just did three shots of ranch dressing and no one even batted an eye. If anything they looked at me like I was a lightweight.

October 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

It's a strong indicator that you don't have a healthy lifestyle when the first thing your kid says to you in the morning is "You're alive Daddy, you're alive!".

October 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Off to Lightfoot for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to eating a steak as big as George Costanza's wallet

Facebook in September

2011-10-06T20:01:00.005-04:00

September 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

Off and running on a 16 hour work day. I can't wait to tell the kid I sponsor in New Delhi, who spends 14 hours stitching soccer balls, to suck it.

September 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I'm at Costco watching a guy return a 60" flat-screen TV, and it's like watching Vada at the end of "My Girl" yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.

September 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Thanks to DWTS my daughter now has the scariest Halloween costume on the block. She's going as Nancy Grace's nipple.

September 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Time to do a little stretching before squeezing into my size 40 "skinny" jeans. Nothings says I'm bringing sexy back, like rocking a sweet moose-knuckle. Ladies, my eyes are up here. (You're welcome for the visual!)

September 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I got worked by a mosquito last night It looks like I have "War and Peace" written in braille on my leg.

September 22, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The circus is shaping up to be great tonight except for Creepy the Clown in the parking lot. I hope that was a horn on his pocket.

September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

Circus tomorrow! So hard to say that without a sing-songy lisp.

September 19, 2011 at 10:26 am

‎"I can't believe we lost again!" Oh wait, it's Talk Like a Pirate day, not Talk Like a Pittsburgh Pirate day.

September 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Just saw some Amish girls at the Breezewood, PA Starbucks on Facebook...craziest rumspringa ever!!!

September 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I realized today that I've never heard the song "Ruby Tuesday" at a Ruby Tuesdays, but I have heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a Chipotle.

September 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Just walked to McDonald's for a milkshake, and contrary to what I've been told, when I got home there were no boys in my yard.

September 12, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I'm headed to Omaha, NE next month for work. Time to dust off all of my witty anecdotes about corn.

September 11, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Actually went to a party last night that didn't involve goodie bags or suspicious looks from soccer Moms.

September 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I hit an all time dining low today when I dipped a quesadilla into a bowl of queso. I think my family saw it as a cheesy cry for help.

September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The kid is signed up for soccer, so operation “full ride to UNC” is under way. No pressure, but if she sucks then we go to plan B, operation “put yourself through community college by working at Applebees”.

September 8, 2011 at 8:31 am

It's National Kiss Day, so I went to work dressed as Gene Simmons. I think I misunderstood the holiday.

September 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Having the lights replaced in our bathrooms. The wife wants recessed lighting, but I'm thinking strobe lights above the showers and a disco ball above the big tub would be more interesting.

September 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Cranking some AC/DC in the car, I just turned around, pointed at my daughter and sang at the top of my lungs "Yooooou shook me all night long...". I'll take awkward father-daughter moments for $200 Alex.

September 3, 2011 at 9:06 am

I woke up this morning and did three sit-ups in a row. Of course I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in Altoona last night.

September 3, 2011 at 7:01 am

Up at 5:30 am on a Saturday watching an early 80's Alan Alda movie, I'm pretty sure this is one of Dante's circles of hell.

September 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Signing my daughter up for tee ball. Based on years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos, I'll be wearing a cup at all times.

September 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I haven't done much prep for my fantasy football draft tonight. Anyone know where Brett Favre is playing this year?

Facebook in August

2011-09-01T17:04:00.003-04:00

August 30, 2011 at 9:40 pm

So can we tell Rebecca Black that she can’t sing, or are we still keeping that on the down low?

August 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Delivering two training sessions at the Pentagon tomorrow. I heard they love “Yo Momma” jokes, so I think that will be a good ice breaker.

August 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

The aftermath of hurricane Irene. The kitchen and liquor cabinet took a direct hit, but the only damage was to everyone’s liver.

August 27, 2011 at 9:56 am

Just walked past an Abercrombie Kids store, the three year old out front without a shirt on seemed a bit inappropriate.

August 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I really hope this weekend pays off so I can finally understand what the Scorpions meant when they said they were going to rock me like a hurricane.

August 25, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Is there anything cuter than a little girl sitting in a urinal?

August 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Steve Jobs is recommending Tim Cook as the next CEO of Apple. I bet his brother Han is going to be pissed.

August 23, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Note to self: Daycare providers don’t appreciate shaken baby jokes, even after an earthquake.

August 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

(After the 5.9 earthquake hit VA) Looks like I picked the wrong day to host a Jenga tournament.

August 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm

A huge cicada flew into my car while I was driving. I quickly went through my list of defenses, run, make myself look bigger, play dead, but I went with flailing like I was having a seizure and screaming like a little girl.

August 21, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Kicked some field goals and played some soccer on Friday night and today I feel like I went 3 rounds with Clubber Lang. My abs haven’t hurt this much since I accidentally did a crunch trying to get off the couch while holding my laptop.

August 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

This trip to Delaware is turning into a Lord of the Rings movie, it just keeps going and going with no end in sight.

August 18, 2011 at 10:59 am

My daughter is excited to go to the county fair tonight. I’m going to use it as a scared straight opportunity to get her to brush her teeth twice a day.

August 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

In Baltimore for a conference this week. Should I act like a tourist and get crabs or should I act like a local and get some crack?

August 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I picked out my new license plate this morning. I’m getting SRLKLR on a Choose Life background.

August 12, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Single Dad for the next two days. Time to teach my daughter the art of the foot massage.

August 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm

In a bathroom at the Miami airport and I have a quick question for my fellow drug mules out there. Latex or sheepskin?

August 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Ahhhh beautiful Miami Beach, famous for its straight, overweight, white men in polo shirts and khaki shorts. I have a feeling I’m going to fit in nicely here.

August 8, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Off to Miami for work tomorrow. For the record I might shake my body, but under no circumstance will I be doing the Conga.

August 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Not a big fan of Winnie the Pooh, but the wife will probably make me go see the movie because she’s a Tigger lover.

August 6, 2011 at 11:10 am

Sometimes at the playground my daughter just wanders around like an anorexic tween at an all you can eat buffet.

August 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Every year I go to Redskins training camp and every year when I get there I immediately feel like Clark Griswold at the Grand Canyon.

August 5, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Saw a transgender shooting on the news and the interview was on Dix road. The only way it could have been better is if it was on North Dix road or “No. Dix Road” for short.

August 1, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I think we’ve been eating out too much lately. When we sat down at Red Robin my daughter told us the specials, took our drink order and tried to upsell us some apps before the waiter came.

Facebook in July

2011-07-31T11:50:00.002-04:00

July 31, 2011 at 11:49 am

My daughter apparently learned to bury her poop by watching my sister-in-law's cat. Potty training, beach edition, is now officially complete

July 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

All you can eat crab legs, more like all you can drink butter. Someone get me a straw and a cardiologist.

July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I'm assuming the one set of footprints I saw in the sand this morning was when Jesus carried my drunk ass back up to my room last night.

July 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm

My daughter just went for a sunset walk on the beach with some Dutch kid. I'm sure she'll be fine.

July 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

This vacation condo's a rental so you know I'm gonna stomp the shit out of the floor when G-n-R's Paradise City comes on the iPod.

July 27, 2011 at 8:44 am

I'm off to eat my way into a saltwater taffy coma. So if you see a fat guy on the beach with sticky shit all over him, don't try and wake him up, just let the sweet, sweet taffy run its course.

July 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

By this time tomorrow I'll be sharing dirty needles under the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD.

July 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Feeling a little dehydrated today, I went to take a piss a small puff of yellow smoke came out. Is that bad?

July 23, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Reggae-fest with my company today. Odds of me dying of heat stroke while doing the white man reggae head bob, are currently at 2:1

July 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Just saw a woman in a burka pulling a suitcase on the side of the road. Must be strange for Muslim women to pack for a trip. Ok, if we do a nice dinner I'll need my black burka, and if I'm out by the pool, I'll want to wear my black burka, but if we go somewhere more casual, again, I'm going to go with the black burka.

July 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

I heard that my mother-in-law actually took off her sweater this morning. Damn, it must be hot outside.

July 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I must have been in a hot tub time machine, because there were phone books on my porch when I got home today. The last time I used a phone book, I tripped over my Rubik's Cube and tore my Men at Work t-shirt.

July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

For some strange reason these are the only coins I find in the laundry. When I wash my shirts I call it the starch of dimes. High five!

July 18, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Hey, 40 something, overweight guy riding his bike to work, you’re not in the Tour de France so why are you all geared up? Would you dress up like a clown to drive a Volkswagon Beetle to the office?

July 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Had a mini riot on my street after the US women’s soccer team lost to Japan in the World Cup finals today. I kicked the tires on a Honda Odyssey and then refused to eat sushi. White Rage!!!

July 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

I realized that my wife was hitting middle age this morning, when I counted 15 vases in our house, and only one contained flowers.

July 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Off to Top Chef star Mike Isabella's new restaurant tonight. Hopefully, it will be as good as Padma looks, or else I'll have to ask him to pack his knives and go.

July 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm totally quitting Netflix in protest of their new rate hike, just as soon as I get through the final season of "The New Adventures of Old Christine".

July 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm

New York has banned the sale of puppies to people who appear intoxicated. I don't know about you, but after a few margaritas I always pick up a Chihuahua on my way home.

July 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

These are pants, not shorts, and this Coke has no whiskey in it. Ahhhh shit, vacation must be over.

July 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

If the media ever needs my picture, I insist that they use my FB profile photo. Especially, if the headline is "Area Man in Critical Condition After Bar Fight with Handicapped, Little Person."

July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

After a week away, it's so nice to come home to a memory foam bed that has the perfect indentations of my balls.

July 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Turn up the AC/DC cuz I'm on the highway to hell (a/k/a the Pennsylvania Turnpike)

July 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I think my daughter is in love with her first cousin. It might be time to have the banjo babies talk

July 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

This restaurant is playing all the great tunes from my iPod. They are one 2 Live Crew song away from me going all karaoke up in here.

July 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm

The Crawford name can only be carried on by two people and one of them just went down the "Slip and Castrate" in the back yard.

July 3, 2011 at 10:31 pm

At last the grand finale, I didn't think I could hold this fart in any longer.

July 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

Big bucks, no whammies aaaaand stop! "You've landed on a vacation for 3 to beautiful Pittsburgh, PA. We'll drive you and your family 4 hours north where you'll enjoy dinners outside, an Olympic size swimming pool and an open bar. A prize package worth $367!". Road trip yinz bitches!

July 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

‎3 things I always do on Canada Day
1. Listen to the McKenzie brothers and Geddy Lee sing "Take Off".
2. Pay for everything with Loonies
3. Stand on guard for thee

Facebook in June

2011-07-10T21:19:00.003-04:00

June 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

When my daughter gets out of the pool at the end of her swimming lessons, she always has the thousand yard stare, like she's seen some messed up stuff that she can't talk about. I think I need to find a doctor that specializes in treating PTSD, post traumatic swimming disorder.

June 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

I went to McDonalds yesterday and they weren’t serving burgers because the grill was broken. I wanted to yell “Where’s the beef?”, but since it wasn’t 1984, and it wouldn’t have been funny then either, I just drove away.

June 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but it’s a great way to spend a vacation. Four more days until I’m drinking bourbon poolside like it’s a court ordered community service requirement.

June 26, 2011 at 9:15 am

The only clean underwear I have is a pair of long johns, so unless it’s 30 degrees outside it looks like a commando morning. I must remember to fear and respect the zipper in these situations. A life lesson I learned the hard way at the age of 6.

June 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Great tunes, plenty of drinks and no kids. Tonight is going to be a series of bad decisions. I hope the 12 year olds up front did their push-ups this morning cuz Daddy is crowd surfing tonight.

June 24, 2011 at 10:01 am

I’m pretty sure if I let my daughters friends play on this giant rubber hot dog, that Chris Hansen from “To catch a Predator” would stop by and ask me to have a seat.

June 23, 2011 at 5:27 pm

My buddy wants to host a Civil War themes dinner party, and he asked me what he should serve. I told him to do an online poll, but if he wants to stay true to the theme then the women and black votes shouldn’t count.

June 22, 2011 at 6:14 pm

The wife went to the Dr. today for a strained forearm. He said she needed to strengthen her muscles, so I showed her how I got my Popeye forearms. I also stressed that it needs to be done every day, even if it starts to feel like a job.

June 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Sometimes when I eat corn I give it a wink and a nod, like hey I’ll see you later.

June 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I tried to get a picture of the girl with the BJGIRL license plate, but I could only see the top of her head.

June 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I left the casino up a couple hundred, not I can finally get that tattoo on my lower back of the Chinese word for tattoo.

June 19, 2011 at 10:44 am

Big day for all of you fathers out there, or as I like to call you, “guys who weren’t afraid to roll the unprotected sex dice”. Thanks Dad!

June 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I just donated a bunch of t-shirts to African kids. I feel like a dickhead because a couple of them had food stains. It was like attaching an F.U. note that said “Not only do I have a bunch of extra clothes, but I also have so much food I can’t keep it all in my mouth.”

June 18, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I didn’t realize that we were eating at a farm fresh restaurant and I asked if the mushrooms were canned. From the look on the waitresses face you’d have thought I asked to give her a breast exam.

June 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Do port-o-potty’s come pre-pooped in? Just once I want to take a piss onto something other than what appears to be a pile of amputated Pakistani baby’s arms.

June 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

My daughter came downstairs this morning to me in her playroom dancing sans shirt, with a whistle and a bullhorn yelling “Everybody get on the dance floor!”. I’m guessing by her screaming and crying that Gay Night Club isn’t her favorite game.

June 16, 2011 at 8:21 pm

It’s not a new iPhone app and it’s not a euphemism for a wife swap, but tonight we had “tacos with friends” and it was money.

June 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I put a Munchhausen by Proxy Syndrome sticker on my car and then I added a bunch of those family/people decals to the back window. In a few months I’m going to start removing the kids decals one by one to see if anyone notices.

June 14, 2011 at 9:15 am

Male gay pride should be on display everywhere today! Oh wait, my bad, small typo here, it’s actually Flag Day.

June 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I like to go to family style restaurants alone and cop a “Don’t judge me” attitude with everyone. Tonight it’s Maggiano’s. “I’ll have a large spaghetti, and yes I know how many people it feeds, garlic tits.”.

June 11, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Just when I didn’t think the crowd for the Bright Eyes concert couldn’t get any whiter an albino guy walks by.

June 11, 2011 at 2:14 am

Ahhhh, so nice to get the first pee in the pool of the season under my belt. (Literally)

June 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

The air conditioning is out. I haven’t been this hot since my unit was humping through rice paddies outside of Da Nang in ’72.

June 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Eating a footlong corndog tonight made me realize that I made the right decision not going into gay porn.

June 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

I love being woken up in the middle of the night by a hysterically screaming child. Is she hurt? Is she sick? Was she clubbed in the ankle to keep her from skating in the Olympics? No, she just rolled over on her bracelet and broke off the charm.

June 5, 2011 at 10:57 am

I went to clean up my daughter’s playroom and I found two naked Barbies embracing each other on the floor. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because I did buy the “This One Time in College” Barbie.

June 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

“Totally worth every minute this takes off of my life”. What I think right before I eat at Five Guys.

June 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Today’s Baghdad Groupon is for 73 virgins in paradise if you martyr yourself by June 3, 2012. BUY!

June 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Watching my daughter open pistachios for me while I drink a margarita sure makes me question my stance on slavery.

June 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Journey tribute band at Herndon Festival tomorrow night. I might have to dedicate “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” to my first funnel cake of the season.

Facebook in April / May

2011-06-01T12:08:00.005-04:00

May 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm

A bird flew into our office this morning and then died attempting to exit through a closed door. Now, I can finally get the two in the bush that I’ve had my eye on. The silver lining to this story is that every time a bird breaks its neck a blind kid gets a pet.

May 30, 2011 at 12:19 pm

My daughter wouldn’t stop acting like a dog, so I showed her the end of old Yeller where the kid shoots his rabid dog, and now she’s back to her old self. What has two thumbs and solves problems? This guy!

May 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I don’t think I fully thought through the idea of getting some wings and watching a body modification documentary.

May 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm

If I owned an adult bookstore I would install a self checkout lane, just to hear the computer voice say things like “Please move your super grip, titanium, nipple clamps to the belt”.

May 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

I think the guy at Costco was taken aback when I took my shirt off for the membership photo. He looked like my little league coach, so it was just a Pavlovian response. I’m just glad he didn’t look like my Priest that would have been embarrassing.

May 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm

At a Mexican restaurant in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood and it’s all white people. That’s like walking into Pottery Barn in the suburbs and it being nothing but black people.

May 26, 2011 at 6:53 am

The scariest part of the villain on Scooby Doo this morning is her bra-less, droopy, liver-spotted chest. Hopefully, by tonight this show will just be a bad mammary.

May 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I just saw the bumper sticker “Proud to be a Realtor”. Are you? Maybe I should get one “Proud to be a Product marketing Specialist”. Then again, maybe not.

May 25, 2011 at 7:29 am

I saw this woman driving in the left lane who forgot her right turn signal was on. Naturally, I pulled up beside her in the right lane, put on my left turn signal and drove beside her for a few miles. I’m not sure if the people behind me were amused, but I certainly was. Good start to a Wednesday!

May 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I don’t think that the Down Syndrome worker at Potbelly’s is enjoying the acoustic guitar selection today. Maybe the guitarist should throw in some “Ob-la-di, ob-la-da” to make him happy.

May 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Here I go again naively throwing a head of lettuce in the crisper, fully believing that I’ll use it before it becomes a brown vegetable smoothie.

May 20, 2011 at 6:58 pm

The concert series we go to every Friday is sponsored by the Herndon Optimist club. I want to start a Herndon pessimist club, but I don’t think it will work.

May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I really hope hat Dick Clark does the countdown to the rapture on Saturday, because the last thing on my bucket list is to chug a PBR tall boy while a stroke victim counts backwards from 10.

May 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

My wife came home with the only item she didn’t own from Anthroplogie, an apron, and she doesn’t even cook. Maybe she thinks that if she dresses like a maid a Governor will father her love child.

May 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm

My daughter starts swimming today, so I showed her some footage of Michael Phelps to get her excited. Unfortunately, it was the video of him doing bong hits, which only got me excited.

May 15, 2011 at 10:56 am

Wow, the casting of that middle-aged woman on a commercial I just watched was absolutely perfect. I totally believed that she suffered from extra heavy periods. She had that look in her eyes that was a mix of embarrassment, discomfort and a longing to wear white pants. Totally committed to her role.

May 13, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Nothing says family entertainment like a father/daughter dance to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing”.

May 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I read that a 36 year old Brazilian woman won the right to masturbate at work. Damn, I didn’t think that you needed special permission, all these years I’ve just been hanging a sock on my office door.

May 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Yesterday at Lowes my daughter pointed at this woman with a pony tail and said “I want that one to be my new Mommy”. When the person turned around, it was a dude. I looked at her and said “You learned a valuable life lesson today my friend.” Then we just laughed and laughed.

May 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

As my daughter attempted to go up the tube slide I yelled across the playground ‘Exit only honey!”. I turned to the lady next to me and said “I’m starting to sound like my wife.”. She left two minutes later. Good times.

May 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Happy Mother’s Day to the Mom’s on “16 and Pregnant”. My advice to all of you is to give your boyfriends one more chance. I just know it will be different this time.

May 7, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Testosterone: Side effects may include smoking meats for hours, drinking heavily, gambling and buying expensive electronics. Yeah, it’s going to be that kind of day.

May 6, 2011 at 8:29 am

I’m just sitting here in my “Party of Five” t-shirt, drinking a Killian’s Irish Red and rocking out to some Hootie and the Blowfish. You know, the same thing I was doing 16 years ago on my wedding day. Happy anniversary to the luckiest girl in the world, Kate Middleton for surviving her first week, and also the unluckiest girl in the world, my wife.

May 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Jaysus feckhole I’m old. I just pulled a muscle from coughing. At this rate I’m afraid to sneeze or I might need a hip replacement.

May 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Working on my Mother’s Day gift, do I go with flowers that say I’m a cliché with $70, or do I register her for an account on whitewomenblackmen.com that says it’s time to start crossing things off your bucket list?

May 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm

My better half is watching a bunch of Navy Seals kick some ass on the news, while I am losing my third game of “Pretty, Pretty Princess” in a row. It’s nice to know that after all these years I can still find new ways to disappoint my wife.

April 29, 2011 at 7:57 am

Birthday party for the crumb snatcher tomorrow! This is a great opportunity for me to get to know some of the parents whose kids go to school with my daughter. First impression means a lot with this crowd, which is why I am frantically searching through my closet for my “Who farted” t-shirt.

April 28, 2011 at 7:18 am

The only way I’m going to watch the Royal Wedding tomorrow is if Prince Harry wears his Nazi costume during the nuptials.

April 27, 2011 at 7:12 am

When we found you behind Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern, we knew instantly that you were a keeper because you were the first one we found alive. Jackpot! Happy 4^th Birthday, I mean, Dumpster Day, to my one and only white, trash baby.

April 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Just got on an elevator made by Schindler. I have to say it feels pretty good to be on Schindler’s lift.

April 24, 2011 at 7:31 am

The 2011 Adult Video Awards are on Showtime, perfect start to my Easter Sunday. Gives new meaning to the term “He has risen.”.

April 23, 2011 at 11:58 am

Really McDonalds? A double filet-o-fish? Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been like “You know what this sandwich needs? More goddamn fish.”.

April 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

The wife is getting out of work early today, apparently they are all getting together and nailing the manorexic dude in finance to a cross. You know your company is hardcore when they use crucifixion as a team building event.

April 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Well it doesn’t look like I’ll be rockin’ the Jesus abs by Easter, but I am on pace to develop Type II diabetes by Halloween.

April 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm

In hindsight naming our kid Maggie instead of JonBenet was probably a good call.

April 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Well I guess these eggs aren’t going to get drunk and color themselves.

April 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Finally, a nice quiet evening to myself. I just dropped the little one off by helicopter in the back woods of Pennsylvania for a game we call “Maggie Vs. Wild”. She has 24 hours to get back to civilization using only her survival kills and a British accent.

April 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Single Dad for the next 5 days. The kid and I are going to settle in like it’s the last days of Hitler’s Bunker, minus all the yelling in German, silly mustaches and suicide pacts.

April 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I picked up the wife’s pills for her, when the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about the medication I held up a box of tampons in my cart and said “So far, so good.” I can’t wait until I start taking Viagra.

April 13, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I guess my experiment of tongue kissing everyone hello has hit a snag, I’m getting sick. Damn you Steve in Accounting!

April 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Obnoxious kid at my daughter’s school insisted I was Ryan’s Dad even after I told him he was mistaken. I wanted to pull him aside and say “Listen Bucko, I’m Maggie’s Dad, not Ryan’s, but if you see Ryan’s Mom and she’s a total MILF, then I’d be happy to play the part of Ryan’s Dad.”

April 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Just saw a handicapped woman smoking, texting and driving in the rain. Talk about handicapable.

April 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I just finished the Sammy Hagar book on the iPad. It was the first book I’ve read where I didn’t lose the crumpled up receipt that always ends up as my bookmark.

April 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Out to dinner with the family and I just got carded. I told the waitress that it happens all the time because we look like the couple on the first season of 16 and Pregnant.

April 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

66 year old Rod Stewart just had a baby boy. His other kids must be totally psyched. I remember when I was 31 begging my Dad for a baby brother and getting denied.

April 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Any night that involves David Allan Coe and bourbon gets a check/plus in life’s grade-book.

March 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Taking my chick out for some grub and tunes in Arlington tomorrow night. Anyone know how much Ambien it takes to knock out a 40 pound 3 year old for 6 hours?

March 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

PETA is giving away a free vasectomy if you have your pet spayed or neutered. Not a big fan of free medical procedures involving my manjigglies, but I am looking forward to their next promotion, if you have your pet put down you can get a family member euthanized for free.

Demented and Sad, but Social...

2011-03-29T11:51:00.007-04:00

I started using Facebook rather than blogging when I realized that I didn't need five paragraphs to tell dick and fart jokes. I made sure to take out all of the pictures in this post because all text is going to be the next big thing on the interwebs.

So without further adieu here are my FB status updates for the past 2+ years. enjoy!

March 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

I hope it wasn't racist when I asked our black waiter to move the brown rice to the other end of the table and to put the white rice in front of me. Just to be sure I mixed the two together and hummed quietly "We Shall Overcome" anytime he came near our table.

March 27, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Leaving the casino up $50 tonight, I'm pretty sure I can walk across the street and buy the Pirates.

March 27, 2011 at 8:39 am

Staying at my Mom's house in Pittsburgh, so I ask the wife to play a game that my Uncle used to play with me as a kid called "Just the Tip" and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

March 26, 2011 at 1:01 pm

On a date with my daughter tonight. Not sure if I'm going to ask her out again, I think our age gap is just too big. She doesn't even know who Elizabeth Taylor is.

March 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm

My first pets name was Maggie and the street I grew up on was Crawford Road, so that would make my porn name...Ahhh hell no!

March 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I was inspired to write a children's book last night called "Goodnight Super Moon". Hopefully, it will sell better than my last one "If You Give a Mouse a Snooki".

March 20, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I just noticed that my dryer has a light inside of it. I don’t know about you crazy bitches, but I tend to do my laundry with the lights on. I’ve never been standing in front of my dryer going; “Are there clothes in there? Is that Amy’s underwear or a dryer sheet? I can’t see shit, if only this thing had a light in it."

March 19, 2011 at 9:21 am

Throw another potato on the barbie, cuz I'm off to that famous Irish pub, Outback Steakhouse, to celebrate St. Paddy's Day. Guiness, Irish for beer.

March 16, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Today is like Christmas Eve for alcoholics.

March 16, 2011 at 4:17 pm

My daughter is having a tooth pulled on Friday. Instead of a quarter, the tooth fairy is going to leave a gold tooth and a Flavor Flav CD under her pillow. Yeah Boyeeeeee!

March 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Single Dad tonight. Looks like my dodgeball record is going to a perfect 88-0. Bad call by the little one choosing to go skins. That's definitely going to leave a mark.

March 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The barber cut my hair so short, the wife asked if she needed to organize a charity walk for me.

March 6, 2011 at 4:27 pm

My 3 year old just told us the Rosa Parks story, apparently white people used to ride the bus. Who knew?

March 5, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Going to see the Justin Roberts kids concert this morning. I'm gonna destroy a bunch of 5 year olds in the mosh pit.

March 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm

The blame for my lack of weight loss lies solely on the Girl Scouts. I have Thin Mints stacked up in front of me like I'm at the World Series of Poker's final table.

March 2, 2011 at 11:26 pm

My daughter was poking the wife's chest and saying "I don't have those." I put my arm around her and said "Don't worry, I didn't get mine until my mid-30's.".

March 1, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Summer Olympics. Great, now who's going to come in last in the 400 Meters? I'm looking at you Latvia.

March 1, 2011 at 12:07 am

My daughter just gave her doll an adrenaline shot to the heart, sat back and said "Wow, that was trippy". Maybe the Tarantino double feature last night wasn't the best idea.

February 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Finally, the wife's eye surgery is over and everything went smoothly. I hope that my eye procedure goes just as well tonight, I'm getting fitted for a new pair of beer goggles. Cheers!

February 24, 2011 at 9:21 pm

My almost legally blind wife is getting LASIK today, she's going to be really disappointed when she finds out I'm not black.

February 23, 2011 at 8:06 pm

My Sugar Momma got her bonus today so she is taking me out for some high dollar grubbing. I usually don't allow any shenanigans below the waist on a weekday, but if she's lucky I just might give it up tonight.

February 23, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Just digging through an old box of trophies when I came across the weakest award I ever won. It was for running 10 yards and hammering a nail into a board. That's right ladies, I was the cub scout bronze medalist in the short run / basic carpentry event. I'll be signing autographs this Sunday from 2-4 at Home Depot.

February 22, 2011 at 1:04 am

Wind gusts up to 40 mph this afternoon. It's days like today that make having a kid in a bubble so hard.

February 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The NBA dunk contest is so passé, the WNBA layup contest is where it's at in 2011.

February 19, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Dear Five Guys, I love your burgers but enough with the goddamn fries already.

February 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Just talked to my crumb snatcher for 20 minutes about death. I have a strange feeling that her next playdate will consist of coloring with black crayons and listening to Morrissey.

February 17, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Going to see my neighbor, Casey, play some tunes at Jammin Java tonight. Hopefully, he won’t mind me getting on the wife’s shoulders, flashing my moobs and screaming “Freebird” during his acoustic performance.

February 16, 2011 at 4:19 pm

The boss had flowers on all the ladies desks this morning, I wonder what the guys will be getting on March 14th?

February 14, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Forgot it was Valentines Day weekend so we aborted PF Changs and stumbled onto $3.50 margaritas at the local Mexican joint. Goodbye lethargic Kung Pao wife and hello hopped up on tequila wife. Happy VD to me!

February 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

No matter how hard I try I am always a total spaz when my phone rings in my pocket while I'm driving.

February 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I opened my glove box today and noticed that I've inadvertently compiled a kid toucher starter kit. There's a lollipop, scissors, stain stick, creepy sunglasses and a pair of little girl Princess underwear. WTF?

February 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

There's something about having toast and tea for breakfast that really brings out the 60 year old grandmother in me. Hopefully, my Rascal scooter will be charged before we head out to Red Lobster at 4:00 today.

February 11, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Damn it's cold outside, I just leaned against the car and my nipples scratched the paint.

February 9, 2011 at 10:12 pm

I'm not a shoe guy and definitely not a Crocs guy, but the slip-ons the Mrs. picked up for me are like having Rex Ryan's wife strapped to each foot.

February 8, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Teaching my daughter how women handle disappointment today by taking her to the mall for new shoes and ice cream.

February 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm

My daughter just came downstairs, streaked the living room where we were watching TV and then ran back up to her bedroom. I'm not sure at what age this becomes inappropriate, but I'm going to find out at my in-laws house this weekend.

February 1, 2011 at 1:55 am

In an actual movie theater getting ready to watch the Black Swan. Odds of my pants coming off during the previews is currently at 2:1. #aloneinatheater

February 1, 2011 at 4:27 am

I was flipping channels last night and it dawned on me that I haven't really kept up with the Kardashians, and I'm ok with that.

January 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Is there anything worse than expecting a snow day and not getting it. It's like standing at the gates of heaven and then being told there was a clerical error.

January 27, 2011 at 10:20 am

Top 3 answers on the board. Name something less painful than a 2.5 hour, 9 mile, commute with a cranky crumb snatcher in a blinding snow storm. 1. Getting prison raped by Ron Jeremy 2. Watching a "Bridal Plasty" marathon on E! 3. Being married to Mel Gibson.

January 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Ahhhh waking up to freshly fallen snow. Days like this must be really tough for recovering cocaine addicts.

January 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Bought a new couch tonight, so it's time to put the sex in sectional. Just have to wait until the wife goes to bed...

January 25, 2011 at 12:02 am

Just played the Michael Jackson game for the Wii, I pulled my achilles moonwalking to Billie Jean and in the bonus round I pulled my forearm masturbating to clips from 'Home Alone'.

January 22, 2011 at 2:50 pm

The wife just got home from her first hot yoga class, I haven't seen someone that sweaty since the last time I was in a Turkish prison.

January 22, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Watching "True Blood" with my grandmother. Unfortunately, she's afraid of Vampires so we just fast forward to the sex scenes.

January 20, 2011 at 6:36 pm

There's a kid at my daughter's school who is always hugging and jumping on the girls, I think that Lifetime should make a movie about him called “The Play Date Rapist”.

January 19, 2011 at 8:21 am

Sitting in the Jamaica airport waiting to head out. Luckily, I only used the term "mon" once during this trip which helped lower my international douche rating (IDR).

January 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I just saw James Earl Jones in the lobby of my resort. I told him he was great in "The Green Mile". I don't think he was amused.

January 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

When you find a hair on your food in Jamaica, you get to play everybody's favorite game pubes or dreads?

January 15, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Updating my status from 35,000 feet. (This would have been cool in 2006)

January 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I've been diagnosed with lazy river fever and the only cure is a 4 day weekend in Jamaica.

January 12, 2011 at 10:50 am

Pajama Jeans are all the rage for women, but what about the thousands of men with mullets and mustaches who are begging for Pajama Jean shorts? I'm sure they want to be comfortable and stylish while drinking a PBR and watching wrestling on the TV.

January 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Starting to ponder the idea of a vasectomy which would end two dreams. My daughter's dream of having a sibling and more importantly my dream of being one of the shitty boyfriends on MTV's "16 and Pregnant".

January 9, 2011 at 11:10 pm

My new stool softener appears to be working. No, not Dulcolax, tequila, lots of tequila.

January 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

I just saw two Hispanic guys at Potbelly playing UNO. WTF? The really weird thing was when they got down to the last card they said "One".

January 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Actual quote from my daughter's journal as written by her teacher: "My mommy took me to the playground and then I went to see Daddy at the bar.". Looks like court ordered supervised visits are in my future.

January 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Day 1 of the diet, I mean lifestyle change, is almost in the books. I'd say 70% of the day I was hungry and 30% of the day I was starving. But hey, if I want to be rocking the Jesus abs by Easter it's going to take a little sacrifice.

January 3, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I haven't looked down in the shower and seen my penis in 4 years, I haven't seen my feet in two years, and this afternoon I wasn't sure if it was my daughter hugging me or a really weak midget with a mullet. It's time to break out the elliptical and get back to work.

January 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Company trip to Jamaica in two weeks. The odds of me waking up naked in a ganja field with my chest hair braided is currently at 4 to 1.

December 30, 2010 at 9:19 pm

I think my daughter has some Vietnamese blood in her. I left her unattended this morning and she painted her nails perfectly. That and the fact that she wakes us up every morning screaming "Di Di Mao".

December 30, 2010 at 10:48 am

My wife yelled to the little one this morning "Do you want your strap on?". Funny, I don't remember her asking Santa for that stocking stuffer.

December 30, 2010 at 1:20 am

If the Nordstrom shoe department were a galaxy it would be called the MILFy Way.

December 28, 2010 at 5:17 pm

The wife just gave me a Gatorade shower as I am about to win my Fantasy Football Super Bowl. It would have been more enjoyable if I weren't sitting on the toilet at the time.

December 25, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Being an only child on Xmas morning is like winning both showcases in the showcase showdown on The Price is Right. Everything is for you!

December 24, 2010 at 10:52 am

Please take a moment and think about the courageous men and women who are putting their lives on the line today. Those brave enough to go to Costco on Xmas eve. Please send prayers for my safe return, and if I'm not back by dark carry on without me. (Insert video montage of me pushing a shopping cart past a sample station with Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" playing in the background.

December 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Christmas isn't even over yet and the stores already have their MLK decorations up. I swear it gets earlier every year.

December 22, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I salute you Mr. late thirties jamming your tongue down the throat of Ms. early twenties at a kid themed restaurant. Clearly you exited the highway of good judgement a long time ago.

December 20, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Single Dad for the next 3 days, the rugrat finally weighs enough to play a game I like to call "Don't Tase Me Daddy".

December 19, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Just a friendly reminder for all of you wise men out there, if you order gold, myrrh and 2 pounds of Frankincense you qualify for super saver shipping from Amazon.

December 17, 2010 at 6:19 pm

My daughter wore 5 shirts to bed last night. I am hoping she continues this behavior through her teen years. The boys she dates will be like "I've been seeing Maggie for 2 months and I can't get past her 3rd shirt. It might be time to date a chick with a smaller wardrobe."

December 18, 2010 at 12:34 am

I just stepped on the Wii Fit and it said "Only one player at a time please.". I guess I have my New Year's resolution for 2011. Throw out the goddamn Wii Fit.

December 15, 2010 at 8:04 pm

My daughter just mocked the shit out of me for only getting 1 star on Angry Birds. So I sat her down and explained that taunting wasn't very nice. Then as she gave me an apologetic hug I whispered in her ear that she was adopted so Santa has no idea where she lives.

December 14, 2010 at 9:51 pm

Dear Potbelly, how about a little heat in here, it's really hard to swallow when my testicles are in my neck.

December 12, 2010 at 8:12 am

Sweet, this strip club has a kid's menu and the happy meal comes with a new Mommy.

December 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Single Dad for the next 3 days so it looks like we'll be playing a game I like to call Anne Frank. I put a diary and some supplies in the attic and if the little one makes too much noise I yell Achtung Juden!

December 8, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Last night the wife said she'd probably remarry if something happened to me. I said no problem because I already had her listed as Amy +1 on my funeral Evite.

December 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm

I'd like to thank my wife for cooking cabbage this evening. That smell really takes me back to the early 90's when I did that German scat film internship.

December 8, 2010 at 12:33 am

If a Jewish kid's 9th birthday falls on the last day of Hanukkah, do they just sing Happy Birthday and then have him blow out the menorah?

December 7, 2010 at 8:14 am

The knee-biter stayed at Grandma's last night, so naturally we raced home, chased each other up the stairs, tore off our clothes, jumped into bed and slept for 10 hours straight.

December 5, 2010 at 11:59 am

They should just go ahead and name the new restaurant at the mall P. Changs because we are going to eat the F out of that place.

December 4, 2010 at 9:29 am

I have a birthday party for a one year old tomorrow, does anyone have any cologne suggestions? I want something that says check out my van, but don't tell your parents.

December 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm

I've been working on some new song lyrics this morning: "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...". That's all I have so far, but I have a good feeling about this one.

December 3, 2010 at 12:00 pm

Teaching my daughter the "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" drinking game. We do a shot every time they say "Who". We're 20 minutes in and the little one is hammered. I gotta go, she just made her Ken doll tell Barbie to get in the kitchen and make him some pie.

December 1, 2010 at 6:32 pm

The wife bought a Pens jersey for herself today. Did she go Crosby? No way eh. Did she go Malkin? Nyet. She went Kris fucking Letang! Somebody's getting five holed tonight.

December 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I just picked up some jersey's at the Post Office and the way they were packaged the old man postal agent was looking at me like I was smuggling hash out of Turkey. I was like dude they're sports jerseys, FedEx delivers my drugs.

November 30, 2010 at 8:20 pm

My daughter refuses to stay in her room at bedtime regardless of the threatened punishment, so it's time for a little scared straight action. Honey, get me a chair, the duct tape, a straight razor and turn on "Stuck in the Middle with You".

November 29, 2010 at 10:59 pm

I think I just found the last pine needle from the 2009 Xmas tree, must be time to pick up this year's Tannenbaum.

November 29, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Considering assisted suicide for our fish Steve. Just need to make it look like he jumped from his bowl into the toilet and then flushed himself. Maybe I should have named him Macgyver.

November 27, 2010 at 6:28 pm

Thanksgiving Parade, otherwise known as lots of white people looking at fire trucks in the rain.

November 26, 2010 at 6:43 pm

I was outside the clinic at 4:00 AM for the $10 prostate exam, plus I picked up a do it yourself colonoscopy kit for only $40. Talk about a great stocking stuffer. I love Black Friday!

November 26, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Is it bad that that I just pissed gravy?

November 26, 2010 at 3:29 am

Starting a new tradition this year, going shirts and skins for Thanksgiving dinner. No complaining Grandma it's a tradition, now lose that turkey sweater.

November 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Happy Thanksgiving Rockin' Eve everyone! Can't wait for the Butterball to drop at midnight.

November 24, 2010 at 9:50 am

I've decided to conduct TSA like pat downs at my front door. This Thanksgiving is going to be aaaawkward.

November 23, 2010 at 10:15 am

Unless it's a tour of Taylor Swift's asshole, I am officially done with guided tours. Sorry, but I'd rather take a dick punch from Mike Tyson than listen to the 20 minute back story about the Dupont's fine china again.

November 20, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Is there anything better than your kid crawling into bed and snuggling up with you at 3:00 AM? And isn’t is awesome when they start violently coughing and projectile vomit all over your chest? I think she was confused when I held up a cross and started yelling at her “The power of Christ compels you!”.

November 19, 2010 at 9:23 am

On my daughter's pajamas it says "not fire resistant". So much for the game "Joan of Arc" I had planned for bedtime.

November 18, 2010 at 9:39 pm

My bitter daughter declared that I was not her friend last night. After a discussion about non-friends paying rent and how 99.6% of American 3 year olds are unemployed, I am proud to announce that we are once again BFF.

November 14, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Sporting a baseball hat today, otherwise known as the official sign of the un-showered man.

November 13, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Wife's birthday today, which means she's entering a contract year. Hopefully, she'll put up good numbers or else I might need to make a trade for some young prospects. Happy Birthday Mrs. Crawford, and good luck in 2011!!!

November 12, 2010 at 9:42 pm

I picked the perfect sunny fall day to take off work, and to celebrate this rare occasion I sat in my basement and watched a Blow / Old School double feature. Just gave the old middle finger to Carpe Diem and a great big embrace to Carpe Couch.

November 12, 2010 at 8:29 pm

For absolutely no reason at all I've decided to watch "Avatar" two minutes a night for the next 81 nights. Also I read on IMDB that it was rated PG-13 for "some smoking". I am very easily offended, so can someone tell me if it is full frontal or just partial smoking?

November 11, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Rush and REO Speedwagon on at Five Guys today, feels like I'm eating a burger in 1982. Now if you'll excuse me I need to put on my Members Only jacket and grab an Orange Julius.

November 10, 2010 at 2:30 pm

My fortune today was “Your ability to see the silly in the serious will take you far.” Maybe the payoff is coming, but it sure made me look like an asshole at my grandfather’s funeral.

November 10, 2010 at 12:18 am

Professional pix with the family out at Great Falls this morning. I haven't had real pictures taken since Arnold Jackson and I drank some wine in our underwear with that bicycle salesman back in the 80's. Oh wait, that wasn't me that was the molestation episode of Diff'rent Strokes.

November 7, 2010 at 11:17 am

Rug burns on both my knees from ping pong. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

November 6, 2010 at 8:15 pm

So many crafty projects going on at my house right now you'd think I married into an Amish family. Which reminds me I need to get out of that barn raising tomorrow, maybe I can fake a butter churning injury.

November 6, 2010 at 5:21 pm

I've convinced the wife to move to the metric system with me. Now I just need to convert inches to centimeters for penis measurement, and finish the lyrics to my new song The Metric Slide. "It's metric, boogie, woogie, woogie.

November 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm

My daughter started Spanish class today. I'm a little surprised that they covered the entire dollar menu on her first day.

November 1, 2010 at 6:52 pm

I get it when a kid takes more than one piece of candy, but when a Dad carrying a one year old grabs three Snickers it takes the fun out of fun size and he's just a dick.

October 31, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Just to mess with the trick or treaters tonight I will be dressed as Santa, the wife will be the Easter Bunny, and the little one will be Martin Luther King. Ho, Ho, Ho kids, I have a dream that your candy is hidden somewhere in the yard. Happy HallowEastmasMLKeen!

October 30, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Mother Nature has been so indecisive with this weather lately, it’s like watching a woman order dessert. “Ooh they have molten chocolate cake, no wait look at the crème brulee, definitely getting the apple crisp, hard to pass up the molten chocolate cake though, never mind I’ll just have a bite of whatever you’re having."

October 29, 2010 at 5:30 am

I'm not saying our new mattress is too tall, but I'll be sleeping on my stomach tonight to avoid an accidental circumcision from the ceiling fan.

October 27, 2010 at 3:26 pm

I just finished mattress shopping on this fine Sunday morning. I should probably go back to the store and un-handcuff the wife before the Steelers game starts.

October 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm

My daughter has her first dance class this morning. Luckily a space opened up in Pole Dancing for Toddlers, when her friend Cinnamon slipped on some glitter last week. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go pack up her Dora G-strings and Minnie Mouse tassels.

October 23, 2010 at 8:14 am

Here’s to you Mr. Song Request Guy, sure you have an iPod and could instantly hear any tune you want, but instead you pick up the phone and request “Don’t Fear the Reaper”. Then, you sit in your car for an hour waiting to bang on your imaginary cowbell before heading into work. I’m sure your friends will all be impressed when they hear “This is for Donnie on the South Side” because you sir are THE Donnie. High Five!

October 22, 2010 at 10:32 am

Last night my daughter went all Winona Ryder and stole some candy corn. So tonight on a very special Blossom we are either going to take her back to the scene of the crime and explain how commerce works or we are going to have my Muslim neighbor cut her hand off.

October 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm

I just sneezed while eating a piece of chocolate and taking a piss. I didn't know whether I should cover my mouth or keep my hand on my hog, so naturally I did neither and now I have chocolate all over the wall and piss all over the floor. At least I hope that's chocolate.

October 18, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Last night I learned that you can order a Happy Meal at 1:00 AM without having child services investigate you. The More You Know...

October 15, 2010 at 9:25 pm

That tingling in my pants can mean only one of two things, it's either Friday or I'm the reason the porn industry shut down this week. Now if you'll excuse me I'm about to go into a 2 day cough syrup coma. Bottoms up!

October 13, 2010 at 10:19 pm

I just spent an hour and a half trying to figure out which fire alarm was chirping and it turned out to be the carbon monoxide detector behind the curtains. If you need me I'll be down at the diner trying to not get my ass kicked by Sea Bass.

October 14, 2010 at 6:33 am

I guess my daughter coughing directly into my mouth for the past week has finally taken hold. I feel like I got hit by a truck full of AIDS. Somebody make me a quilt, stat!

October 11, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I got out of the shower this morning and my daughter was in her room singing "It's t-shirt tiiiiime!". I'm now living with a three year old version of Pauly D. I guess we'll be doing some G.T.L. after daycare today.

October 11, 2010 at 10:32 am

Guy Fieri can kiss my man marbles because I Triple D'd the shit out of Chicago this weekend.

October 11, 2010 at 3:41 am

Spending the morning at a heavy petting zoo, and I'm feeling a little sheepish.

October 10, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Just got kicked out of the kids section of the library because I didn't have my daughter with me. Librarians sure do love to cock block.

October 8, 2010 at 5:39 pm

First flight with the rugrat today. I'm packing the left over Ruhipnol from my dating years just in case.

October 5, 2010 at 9:43 pm

I hate getting my picture taken for photo ID's. I basically have two looks, special needs employee of the month or serial killer.

October 4, 2010 at 9:17 pm

Neighbor is out of town, so it looks like it's just me and the sister wives + kids for dinner tonight. I just hope there's no trouble up in Juniper Creek.

September 30, 2010 at 11:50 am

If you noticed I was walking funny today, it's because I've had a half a stalk ever since I loaded the XM app onto my iPhone.

September 29, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Sometimes you just gotta throw on the Weezer slanket and play some Wii. (I don't think the wife will be leaving home alone again anytime soon.)

September 25, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Thanks to everyone for the b-day messages. The wife said she will wine me, dine me, 39 me tonight. In other words a couple of drinks, a steak and asleep by 11.

September 22, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Saw a guy with the license plate "HAZ BEMR" this weekend, I guess "MJR DBAG" was already taken.

September 20, 2010 at 8:01 pm

My daughter had her first Twix yesterday and it was like watching a drug addict shoot up for the first time. I am already preparing my Halloween intervention speech: "Your candy consumption has affected me negatively in the following ways...".

September 20, 2010 at 7:10 pm

I always wondered what an $11 Coors Light would taste like and thanks to the kind folks at Jiffy Lube Pavillion last night I was able to satisfy my curiosity.

September 19, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Rush is about to go on, I've seen more ethnically diverse Klan rallies.

September 18, 2010 at 7:44 am

Garage sale tomorrow morning. Stop by if you need an American made, "slightly" used woman or a toddler that is out of the box, but still in good condition. Make your best offer.

September 17, 2010 at 10:09 am

Looks like the Halloween costume decision is down to two options, a purple fairy or Stephen Hawking. The wheelchair is on backorder for the S.H. costume, so we'll see if it gets here in time.

September 15, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Apparently the other father at the playground tonight read the parenting guide "How to Raise a Stripper", because he was treating his two year old like an asshole just for being a kid. Plus, it's not often you see a tramp stamp on a toddler.

September 11, 2010 at 7:34 pm

I should be driving to the 'Burgh this morning but Kohl's is having a sale. Tough call.

September 11, 2010 at 9:00 am

Attending my Mother-in-law's birthday bash tonight. The family all pitched in to get her an authentic Tijuana Donkey Show. I'm glad she can finally check that one off the old bucket list. I wonder if they'll let my daughter go for a quick ride before the performance gets underway.

September 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Well spank my ass and call me Charlie, the wife is at a bar doing her fantasy football draft and I'm at home giving the knee-biter a bath. Something isn't right here...SMH

September 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm

It's a "Stuff White People Like" kind of day here in Virginia. Parade in the morning for the little one, then Herndon Wine and Beer festival in the afternoon for the big one. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go put on the middle-aged father uniform, plaid shorts, polo, flip-flops and a baseball cap, and for extra douchiness I'll carry around a venti Starbucks latte.

September 6, 2010 at 8:54 am

I applied the Deet like Snooki getting a spray tan last night and I still got eaten alive.

September 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

I have a burning desire to eat some meatballs and then build a large piece of furniture using only an Allen wrench. I'm looking at you, Ikea.

September 4, 2010 at 8:50 am

Three day weekend bitches! Finally get some time in the gym to work out the kinks in my pommel horse routine. Gotta get it tight for London in 2012.

September 3, 2010 at 9:56 am

Only a few days left to pee in the pool and then it's back to just toilets and bushes :(

September 2, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Looks like I'll be growing out my sideburns and heading over to the Peach Pit later to celebrate 9-02-10.

September 1, 2010 at 9:59 pm

My jaw was killing me at dinner tonight, so it might be time to give up the second gig making extra money in the park. At least I can stop carrying mouthwash everywhere I go.

August 31, 2010 at 6:35 pm

My brother just landed in the Commonwealth from Chicago. Nice to finally have some help digging all of these shallow graves. My three year old doesn't quite have her technique down yet.

August 31, 2010 at 11:23 am

The most difficult part of fantasy football for me is coming up with a team name. I like Favre Dollar Footlongs, Manning vs. Food and Touchdown My Pants, but those weren't my ideas so I went with Prestige Worldwide.

August 28, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Having new carpeting put in the basement today that doesn't cause carpet burns. At least that's what I told the wife, giggity-giggity.

August 26, 2010 at 6:36 pm

Apparently my daughter has a new crush on a kid at her daycare that she described to me as having a huge backpack, a fact that my cougar wife confirmed this morning. I guess I’m glad that she’s moved on from admiring the 30 year old neighbor with a pregnant wife, but I’m not thrilled that she is already becoming a size queen.

August 26, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Hope the wife is wearing two pairs of underwear tonight, her musical man crush John Butler is minutes from taking the stage.

August 24, 2010 at 7:47 pm

Grab a shot of tequila and a Fosters because it's international date night. Kicking it off with some Peruvian food, then off to see Australia's Xavier Rudd open for Mexico's Rodrigo y Gabriela. Time to throw a camarón on the barbie. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie - Oi, Oi, Oi, amigos.

August 24, 2010 at 12:04 pm

I'm watching the White Stripes documentary, when I hear this mumbling and banging coming from the baby monitor. I pause the TV, get a little closer and I hear this tiny voice chanting "Here We Go Steelers Here We Go...Bang! Bang!" It's officially football season.

August 20, 2010 at 12:21 pm

I totally spaced my fantasy football draft until the last minute. I was so discombobulated I think I picked Steve McNair in the first round.

August 20, 2010 at 12:27 am

Went to the Dr. and he asked me how often I check my testicles for lumps. From the look on his face, I think my reply of 5 or 6 times a day may have been the wrong answer.

August 16, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Taking my daughter to the movies for the first time today. I really hope she likes Inception, because I'm not leaving early.

August 14, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Tough call tonight, bikini wax, appletinis and Eat Pray Love with the girls or bikini wax, whiskey and shooting pool with the guys. Either way Ill be ready to rock the thong at the kiddie pool tomorrow. Let's get it on!

August 13, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Wife's company has had 3 people die in the past year. It's the only work place i know that has an obituary section in their company newsletter.

August 13, 2010 at 9:29 am

I learned recently that taking a piss and brushing your teeth at the same time is harder than it seems.

August 12, 2010 at 11:50 pm

Hard Knocks on HBO is totally my fluffer for the NFL season.

August 12, 2010 at 8:38 pm

So worth it to drop the extra coin on the high dollar steaks at Costco. I'm so excited about this beef that I could curse out a stranger, quit my job, grab 2 beers and jump out of an airplane right now.

August 10, 2010 at 11:33 pm

The knee-biter just got back from her first dental visit and apparently she didn't get any nitrous, her shirt wasn't untucked and he wasn't smoking a cigarette at the end of the appointment. I think I've been going to the wrong kind of dentist.

August 7, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Herndon Live getting crazy tonight. 1000 white people going apeshit, someone is going to sprain an ankle.

August 6, 2010 at 6:43 pm

I started using the FourSquare app where you check in to various businesses and if you check in the most you become mayor of that location. I am officially the mayor of Home Depot, ABC liquor store and Urgent Care. These may or may not be related.

August 6, 2010 at 8:06 am

It's 2010 why am I still downloading Billy Squier tunes? Because I have Shazam on my phone and the local gas station loves classic rock, that's why. I was shocked to see that my Squier iPod total has ballooned to a whopping 6 tunes, which seems a bit excessive.

August 3, 2010 at 8:40 pm

My daughter's first pet went to the great fishbowl in the sky this morning. My wife turned to her and said "Remember how we have 5 things to do before school every morning, well now we only have four."

August 2, 2010 at 10:54 pm

Just crossed off puzzles on Maggie's Real World/Road Rules Challenge training checklist. Next up, mastering physical challenges, unnecessary drama creation and binge drinking.

August 1, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Off to do some carpet shopping today. I just hope it matches the drapes.

August 1, 2010 at 11:48 am

You know you've been playing Angry Birds too much when you see a 2x4 leaning against a cement block and your first thought is "I hope I have a black bird for this level".

July 31, 2010 at 7:01 am

Hi kids, my name us Erik and my Dancey Dance is called the white man shuffle. First you step to the right, then you step to the left, then you bounce off beat and point at someone you know across the room.

July 26, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Just once this summer I want to step outside and not have it feel like the Everglades exploded in my pants.

July 23, 2010 at 9:02 pm

Old married guy moment of the week: I came downstairs for work in khakis, a Steelers T-shirt and docksiders. The wife looks up from her cereal and says " Wow, you really don't give a shit what you look like anymore do you?".

July 23, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Seeing an 80's cover band this evening called the Reagan Years. Tonight we trade in Lady Ga Ga for Kajagoogoo and drink cold beers to the cold war.

July 23, 2010 at 7:58 am

I walked into my daughter's daycare today eating an ice cream. The look of desperate envy on all of the kids faces as I worked that cone like a $2 hooker was priceless.

July 18, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Company bash at the National Zoo tomorrow. Odds of me getting raped by a silver back gorilla after a few adult beverages is currently at 3:1.

July 16, 2010 at 4:53 pm

I put together a promotional video with a co-worker for the all hands company meeting tomorrow. Part of me really wanted to splice in some of the delightful Mel Gibson phone calls, but the part of me that wanted to keep his job overruled this idea.

July 15, 2010 at 8:09 pm

Might be time to renew that gym membership, i just broke into a sweat emptying the dishwasher.

July 12, 2010 at 6:08 pm

My daughter's new catch phrase is "chicka chicka bow bow". We were in Target yesterday and passed this young, attractive couple and she yells out from the back of the cart "chicka chicka bow bow". They give me the WTF face, and all I can say is "What are you gonna do she's really into vintage porn soundtracks".

July 12, 2010 at 7:15 am

Haircut lady was money today. Mr. Erik, you like it short? Zank you. Mr. Erik, is good haircut? Zank you. Mr. Erik, you like back? Zank you. Mr. Erik you want happy ending? Zank you. She thanked me so many times you'd think I'd pulled her baby out of a well.

July 10, 2010 at 9:56 am

Quite the dinner this evening, a pride of cougars in front of me cackling away while sucking down margaritas, girl to my right sounds like Miley Cyrus and hasn't stopped talking since she sat down, and then we have the Real Housewives of Reston to my left with a ring so big she can barely dip her chips in salsa. We have a three horse race for most annoying table tonight.

July 8, 2010 at 5:30 pm

100 degrees and humid today. After two minutes outside I look like an extra on the set of Cool Hand Luke.

July 6, 2010 at 7:05 am

I left the party at my Uncles house to check on my daughter, and in those two minutes my old man took a header into the sidewalk and the neighbors house went up in flames. At least I had Neosporin and marshmallows so we were all good.

July 5, 2010 at 11:25 am

Putting away some bourbon by the pool like it's my job.

July 1, 2010 at 2:28 pm

"Hot Tub Time Machine" comes out on DVD today, I really hope it's as good as the book.

June 29, 2010 at 12:48 pm

A little emergency here, I just got some Icy Hot on my junk and I don't know whether I should stop, drop and roll or get someone to suck the poison out.

June 27, 2010 at 4:42 pm

National HIV Testing Day!!!!! I asked my 3 year old if she's been sharing needles on the playground or having unprotected sex and she said no to both questions. However, she has been lying about a lot of things lately, so we might still get her tested

June 27, 2010 at 7:49 am

Some beauty and the geek going on at this concert tonight. People are either at the deep or shallow end of the gene pool. I'm just treading water in the middle.

June 26, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Off to Red Robin for drinks and burgers. Ahhh whiskey and kids, reminds me of that week in Thailand I spent at Gary Glitter's place.

June 23, 2010 at 9:35 pm

To the jagoff who stole my new iphone off of the front porch this afternoon, I hope that you take it on vacation and meet someone with a Joren van der Sloot fetish.

June 23, 2010 at 9:27 pm

Just put on U2's "With or Without You" so I can re-enact the scene in Friends where Ross and Rachel broke up while I wait by the window for the FedEx guy to deliver my new iPhone.

June 24, 2010 at 7:01 am

Started using Google Chrome which has an "Incognito Window" where you can surf the net without leaving a trace where you've been. So far tonight I've ordered a new shield for my LARP event on Saturday, posted a blog entry to my Justin Bieber tribute site and watched a blind Chilean grandmother fist a llama. The best part is that the wife is none the wiser. Thanks Google Chrome!

June 23, 2010 at 1:09 am

We went to a Japanese steakhouse with the whole family tonight. I decided that next time I'm going alone in the middle of the day and insisting that they do the entire dog and pony show just for me. Dude, don't forget the volcano and the Japanese egg roll joke or you're starting over bitch!

June 19, 2010 at 10:12 pm

On this Father's Day weekend, I'd like to thank my daughter for waking me up with a titty-twister this morning. She calls nipples " buttons", so I had to explain that Daddy's buttons are just for decoration and that she should go play with Mommy's buttons from now on.

June 18, 2010 at 7:14 pm

What a debacle ordering the new iPhone today. I haven't had that much trouble spending $200 since I bought that Guatamalen baby off of Craigslist.

June 13, 2010 at 12:19 pm

3 shower heads + sunburn = me on the ground screaming "don't tase me bro"!

June 12, 2010 at 10:58 am

Just played the keyboard solo to Styx's "Come Sail Away" using the fart piano on the iPad. The wife was not impressed.

June 11, 2010 at 10:30 am

Asian friends help me out, is it not frowned upon in Chinese culture to pass gas every 10 minutes on a 6 hour flight? Next time I want a seat a little further away from Phar Tinga Lot!

June 10, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Final packing list for SF: Cork screw - check, Grateful Dead tunes - check, leather vest, booty shorts and a whistle - check, check, check. Let's do this thing!

June 9, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Two days until my long weekend with the Mrs. in San Francisco/Napa. I won't be wearing a flower in my hair or leaving my heart there, but I will be eating some righteous grub and consuming copious amounts of vino.

June 6, 2010 at 3:12 pm

My wife told my daughter that she could do ballet in a couple years. I didn't have the heart to tell either of them that with her body type it was more likely that she'd be doing crunk.

June 6, 2010 at 9:11 am

Funnel cake season is officially open for business, and that may or may not be powdered sugar on my nose.

June 5, 2010 at 1:58 pm

To the heavyset woman with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms who could barely reach the center of my head while cutting my hair, I'd like to say that I hope my ear print eventually comes out of your flabby breasts.

June 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

My wife always folds down the pages of her magazines when she sees something she likes, but knows she'll never get. Maybe I should start doing the same with my Playboys.

June 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Off to the water park today. Just have to make a quick sign before we go: "Sorry kids, that's not a baby pool it's my belly button." Anyone know how to say belly button in Spanish?

May 30, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Note to self, change all of my jokes about fornicating with small black men who look like children from Gary Coleman to Emmanuel Lewis.

May 28, 2010 at 9:31 pm

I just took my three year old up two flights of stairs for the 5th time tonight. Not ordinary stairs either, they are steep like climbing Everest. On my last trip I'm pretty sure I passed a Discovery Channel film crew and I had to stop for oxygen twice while my Sherpa carried the knee-biter up the last flight.

May 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I went to 3 playgrounds yesterday and it was exhausting, I don't know how pedophiles do that every day.

May 17, 2010 at 8:33 pm

Time for some live music and bad decisions, Herndon Live we're on our way!

May 14, 2010 at 5:09 pm

Always strange when I get Maxim and Parents magazines on the same day. What do I want to read about first, how to get my toddler to keep her clothes on or how to get my wife to take hers off?

May 14, 2010 at 1:19 am

Game 7. Lock the door, turn down the lights, turn up the volume, pray to the hockey gods and then prepare to live and die with every shift, every hit, every penalty, every save and every goal. It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh.

May 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Wife is putting the kid to bed and then making me steak while I watch hockey. God, the 50's must have been great.

May 6, 2010 at 8:31 am

15 years with the Mrs. I might have to throw some foreplay in tonight just for old times sake.

May 5, 2010 at 8:24 pm

I was feeling a little bitter after a tough day and work, when I heard this little voice from the back seat say "Dad, it's like Cube says, life ain't nothin' but bitches and money". It's these father - daughter moments that I'll always treasure.

May 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Dear ESPN, we had a good run of 20+ years, but we've grown apart over the last few years. I just don't care about the NBA and MLB the way that you do, so I've decided that it's time to let you go. Please don't try and win me back, as I have already moved on and started much more satisfying relationships with the NHL and NFL networks.

May 2, 2010 at 10:33 am

90 degrees and wearing a suit outside to the Gold Cup horse race. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, free booze.

April 28, 2010 at 9:59 pm

Allergy season is in full swing at the Crawford house. My wife is in one room hacking away like an 80 year old who has chain smoked Marlboro Reds for half a century and my daughter is upstairs coughing like an 8th grader doing her first bong hit.

April 23, 2010 at 8:06 pm

Birthday weekend for the little one. She's finally turning three, so I can officially enroll her in that new drug mule training program she's been talking about non-stop. I'm also thinking about getting her a "Maggie Hide the Baggie!" tattoo.

April 23, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Just went to the store for goggles, tampons and a flag pole. You'd think I was playing the game "3 things to freak out the Wal-Mart cashier". Of course if I were playing that game I would have gone with lotion, tissues and "Little People, Big World" DVDs.

April 21, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Reason number 43 "Why Daddy Drinks". The fruit of my loins projectile vomited all over the back seat of the car in rush hour traffic and then came home and pissed on the carpet...twice.

April 19, 2010 at 8:29 am

Just saw the live Nick Jr kids show. To the chick playing Kai Lan, I'd like to say Ni Hao to your Backyardigan.

April 17, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Potty training the little one this week, although my wife tells me when she has an accident I'm not supposed to rub her nose in it and swat her with the newspaper. My bad.

April 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Ahhhh quality time with the wife and kid, all three of us are in bed using either an iPhone or an iPad. My family is officially a Steve Jobs wet dream.

April 11, 2010 at 11:05 am

Just had dinner with my daughter the waitress said "You guys are cute" and I replied "Thanks, we met on the Internet". Then this old lady at the next table started choking. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or flat out horrified.

April 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Memo to channel 5 news: When listing the serious charges for bringing drugs into a school, maybe go with something other than Comic Sans as the font.

April 10, 2010 at 9:17 am

Had dinner and drinks with friends tonight, feeling a bit wound up kind of like Tom Sizemore on Sober House.

April 9, 2010 at 9:24 pm

I like to listen to random songs at top volume in the car. Today's selection was "She Blinded Me with Science" and that dude was just totally dicking around on a Casio in his basement when he lucked into one hit wonder gold.

April 9, 2010 at 7:54 pm

Almost time to enjoy my two favorite things ending in "...key". Whiskey and Hockey!

April 8, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Scotty doesn't know...

April 5, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Bad news Catholics, Jesus saw his shadow so it's 6 more weeks of Lent.

April 3, 2010 at 6:54 am

Nothing says Good Friday like a nice juicy steak. Outback here I come.

April 2, 2010 at 7:32 am

Just saw a razor blade in the urinal at work. Either someone was cutting lines or performing a circumcision, maybe both.

March 31, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Watching "Life" on Discovery and eating Easy Cheese with Wheat Thins, I really shouldn't be sober right now.

March 28, 2010 at 8:52 pm

In the car my daughter says "You only like me when I'm angry". Two years old and she already sounds like all of my ex-girlfriends. I guess it's just a matter of time before she calls me a selfish prick and takes out a restraining order.

March 26, 2010 at 8:20 am

Things you never hear people say out loud "Oh sweet 'Wild Hogs' is on".

March 24, 2010 at 11:06 pm

I am the Oskar Schindler of Facebook the way I've been hiding people today.

March 20, 2010 at 7:09 pm

I was changing my daughter's diaper tonight and I said "That was a bomb!" She just looked at me and said matter-of-factly "Yeah, I poop like a man".

March 25, 2010 at 2:56 pm

I can download Gary Wright's 1975 mega hit "Dream Weaver" while taking a piss behind a cactus in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and yet the US Census Bureau still requires me to fill out a paper form in 2010.

March 20, 2010 at 8:39 pm

Back from Sin City, although my daughter's toy started dinging in the other room and I immediately threw $100 on the table and ordered a Crown and Coke from my wife.

March 18, 2010 at 8:32 pm

Made Vegas my bitch today. If it weren't for Chelsea playing like a bunch of no talent ass clowns this afternoon I'd be back on the plus side. That's right, I bet on EUFA cup soccer. Why? Because I can. One more round with lady luck tonight and then I'm on my way back home.

March 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm

I limped out of the casino yesterday not because of my jacked up ankle but because an old Asian lady dealer ass raped me. When will I learn to avoid them?

March 15, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Trying to convince the wife that the chicks on HBO's "Cathouse" are celebrities and thus qualify for the list of 5 famous people you're allowed to bang without repercussions.

March 13, 2010 at 12:16 pm

At the doctors office for my jacked ankle. They said to take off my shoes and socks but I might take off everything but my shoes and socks just to see what happens.

March 12, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Apparently all the boys were hugging my daughter at school today. Looks like I'll be going all Chuck Norris on some 2 year olds tomorrow.

March 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm

TLC needs to change their name to TMC, The Midget Channel. I just saw a commercial for yet another show featuring little people. I like a good dwarf sighting as much as the next guy, but jaysus feckhole I don't need to watch them 24x7.

March 3, 2010 at 11:34 am

It's my night to tuck in the little one so I am going to tell her my favorite bedtime story, it's called "Tony Montana and His Little Friend". Once upon a time in Miami there was this Cuban immigrant named Tony...

February 28, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Proud Papa Moment #87 - At Outback tonight the wife asked my daughter if she was a kiss machine, and she started jumping up and down yelling "No, I'm a fart machine!".

February 24, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Tax refund and the wife's bonus in the same week. Now the big decision, put it all in savings or start my own cock fighting ring. What to do, what to do...

February 20, 2010 at 9:50 am

My daughter asked me what the Kinks song "Lola" was about, and instead of saying sometimes Daddy's dress up like Mommy's and pick up guys in clubs, I just said it was about a girl who liked cherry cola. She said she didn't like girls who drank cherry cola. Maybe I should have gone with my first response.

February 17, 2010 at 11:24 pm

Question: What's over 5 feet tall, white, and irritating as hell to look at every night?

Answer: The snow in my driveway. I would have also accepted Bob Costas.

February 16, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Driving in Maryland is like trying to get out of the parking lot at the Special Olympics.

February 15, 2010 at 12:03 am

Going to see a movie today. The last time I saw a flick in an actual theater Burt Reynolds was the biggest box office draw. I just hope that today's film is as good as The Cannonball Run.

February 15, 2010 at 1:22 am

Time to polish up the hardwood floors, get out the new socks and dust off the sequins, the ice dancing team of Crawford and Crawford is ready to bring home the gold.

February 10, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Apparently my wife doesn't consider talking about my favorite South Park episode foreplay.

February 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm

Major kudos to all stay at home Mom's. After three full days with the little one, my tolerance for the toddler lifestyle is fading fast. If I hear Dora yell "Swiper no swiping" one more time, I'm going to kick her in the baby maker or should I say golpéela con el pie en la chocha.

February 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Guess I picked the wrong weekend to bury that dead hooker in the back yard.

February 2, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Got fitted for a boot on my jacked up ankle this afternoon. Feeling a lot like Lane Meyer skiing the K-12 today.

January 29, 2010 at 11:12 pm

I might have to change my daughter's name to Enola Gay the way she's been dropping atomic bombs lately. Even 60 year old alcoholics would be impressed with her diaper dumplings.

January 30, 2010 at 11:59 am

Just watched American History X with my toddler and before bed she looked me in the eye and said "Put it on the curb right now!". Then we just laughed and laughed. They're so cute at this age.

January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm

I'm a single Dad this week. I think it's time my daughter learned how to play a little game I like to call "Sports Bar".

January 25, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Just booked an all guys trip to Vegas and an anniversary trip to Napa. It's like i won the alcohol and nudity showcase showdown.

January 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Spent my final morning in St. Thomas praying to the porcelain god. You'd think after 20+ years of practice I would have this drinking thing figured out.

January 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I'm off to St. Thomas to live like Artie Lange for 5 days, minus the 9 self inflicted stab wounds. Now if you'll excuse me I need to practice slamming shots and doubling down at the same time.

January 7, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Will it ever warm up? The last time I saw my testicles Tiger Woods had a clean driving record.

January 2, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Can't believe it's already the 2nd of January, this year is flying by.

December 31, 2009 at 12:00 pm

I realized we've been eating out too much when we walked into a restaurant for lunch today and before I could open my mouth my 2 year old said to the hostess "Two and a booster".

December 25, 2009 at 9:00 am

When I am served food in a red plastic basket or aluminum foil there us a 99% chance I will find it crazy delicious.

December 19, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Snow is coming! Time to stock up milk, bread and toilet paper, which of course are code words for alcohol, movies and porn.

December 18, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Abba gets into the R&R Hall of Fame before Rush. Really? Who votes for this stuff, middle-aged women reliving their disco days when they did bumps in the bathroom while blaring "dancing queen"?

December 10, 2009 at 10:14 pm

Erik Crawford My two year old always lays down her action figures and then covers them up with paper towels. It looks like the cast of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse had a suicide pact in my living room.

December 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Erik Crawford I find it extremely weird that both the Ravens and the Redskins have marching bands. Do they draft guys out of college? "Hey Mike I hear that the Redskins are going to sign that flute player out of Georgia, he would have given Baltimore an amazing woodwinds section this year".

November 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm

Please sponsor a middle class white kid. For only $49 a day you can help her get those Uggs she's had her eye on at Nordstrom.

November 29, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Time to stuff the bird and then I'm going to head downstairs and get the turkey ready. Happy Thanksgiving to all of my fellow master basters out there, here's to tender thighs, and juicy breasts. Salud!

November 24, 2009 at 9:41 pm

Erik Crawford Always awkward to come when the cleaning crew is still in the house. Of course my 2 year old had to say "Hola como estas?" to everyone one that walked into the living room.

November 12, 2009 at 7:28 pm

My BBQ Chicken Salad at Panera was money today. The woman at the table next to me talking in great detail about scoliosis and bulging discs, not so much.

November 4, 2009 at 11:51 pm

This morning while drying off I got so sweaty that I had to take another shower. Time to lose some weight.

November 1, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Wow my nipples sure are hard... Oh wait, I just dropped a some candy corn.

October 24, 2009 at 10:05 am

"Ice skating bear kills Russian circus hand" - Might be one of the best death scenarios of all time. "Do you remember Uncle Vladdy? Yeah, the one who was killed by a bear on ice skates..."

October 23, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Ever hear a song you've listened to a thousand times and then you try and sing along and realize that you don't know any of the words except the chorus. Yeah, that happened to me today.

October 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm

From where I'm sitting I can see three randomly tossed sippy cups. Looks like the aftermath of a toddler frat party in here.

October 11, 2009 at 9:02 am

Watching the classic 80's ski movie "Hot Dog". I'd have to say it is certainly some of Shannon Tweed's finest work.

October 8, 2009 at 11:31 pm

Got up at 5:00 AM for a cloud computing conference in DC, let the hilarious hijinx begin.

October 6, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Daughter just won't go down tonight. How much Ambien are you supposed to give a toddler again?

September 28, 2009 at 7:11 pm

My second cold in 6 weeks, I have the immune system of an 80 year old homeless AIDS patient.

September 27, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Ahhh Friday, Mr. Alcohol meet Mr. Liver.

September 24, 2009 at 12:21 am

Single Dad this week, so I'm teaching the little one how to play blackjack and make the perfect margarita. Best damn "tea party" we've had all summer.

September 19, 2009 at 6:39 pm

Have you ever needed to yawn while you were out of breath? I found myself on the floor reaching for my inhaler, then I remembered that I'm not an asthmatic.

September 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm

I just watched fat people fall in love for two hours. Now I need to go get my balls out of my wife's purse and do some squats before bed.

September 14, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Amy is running a 5K this morning and I am cheering her on by waving my McSkillet burrito at her.

September 2, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Way too much Barney going on today. I might have to tell the little one that he died during a freak auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Then she'll say "Just like David Carradine?" and I'll say "Exactly, and hopefully just like your old man someday too."

August 29, 2009 at 11:56 pm

My daughter got bitter when I put on some P-Funk today. She needs to tighten up, or the next picture I take of her will be for Craigslist.

August 20, 2009 at 9:11 pm

Fat drunk and stupid may not be the way to go through life, but I'm going to give it a five day run in Bermuda. If i come back, I'll let you know how it worked out.

August 14, 2009 at 1:36 pm

There are always unattended full drinks in the breakroom, if I had some roofies I'm pretty sure I could date rape the entire company.

August 12, 2009 at 9:25 pm

I think my daughter ate approximately 12 grilled cheese sandwiches last week. She might be the only 2 year old who needs to take Lipitor.

August 1, 2009 at 11:02 pm

Friday night, time to crank up the classic rock, pour a nice tall adult beverage and shoot some stick. If only I had a mullet, a mustache and some jean shorts I could make all of the wife's dreams come true.

July 27, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Morning swim in the baby pool, Yo Gabba Gabba, nap, afternoon at the park, dinner, more Yo Gabba Gabba, bed. Solid day! I wonder what my daughter is doing today.

July 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Free burritos today, and now I have that Baja not so Fresh feeling.

July 14, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Now that my daughter has a big girl bed I need to explain to her what it means when the sock is on our door.

July 5, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Off to the 'Burgh to float in a pool for four days. Everyone can treat me like a Brazilian steakhouse, if I'm face up keep the drinks coming, if I'm face down then I'm done.

June 28, 2009 at 8:57 pm

I might try to eat my own weight in red meat today. Burgers for lunch and steaks for dinner. My colon alert level has been raised to red.

May 12, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Chick in front of me on the way to work in a new Prius ran over the median, a divided highway sign and then merged back in front of me like it never happened. Totally awesome!

April 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm

I am hating himself for watching Rock of Love on VH1, the same way that fat chicks hate themselves for eating an entire box of Krispy Kremes.

February 20, 2009 at 7:50 pm

I’m spending money like MC Hammer in 1991

February 17, 2009 at 10:39 pm

I’m pretty sure that the Daddy Mac wouldn't have been able to make me jump, jump.

December 17, 2008 at 10:12 pm

X-mas morning, family gathered around drinking hot chocolate, opening presents and listening to 'Hey We Want Some Pussy'. Now, that's a Norman Rockwell moment.

August 5, 2008 at 8:09 am

Good morning Facebook. Is there anything better than doing bumps off a hookers ass.

Ride On

2010-03-22T16:47:00.005-04:00

Spring fever was in full swing this weekend, as the weather has finally changed from the cold that makes your balls hibernate and mounds of snow that would give Tony Montana a hard on to sunny days that make you want to roll down the window and blast a little Tom Petty.

The wife and I decided to take the knee-biter over to the in-laws to enjoy some of the afore mentioned sun. Apparently, the girl next door had a birthday party going on, so kids littered the street like Mexicans at the State Fair, and as court ordered I stayed back 500 feet from the rugrats at all times.

I enjoyed an adult beverage on the porch and watched this little munchkin ride his big wheel down the big hill over and over again. Then, his daredevil buddy got on without a helmet and the Kate Gosselin wannabe in charge lost her fucking mind. "No! No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop! You have to wear a helmet!!!". She was running so fast that the friction caused by her hail damaged thighs almost made her spill her Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Look I get it, kids need to be protected and I will probably make my daughter wear a helmet even when she takes a shit on the big girl toilet because I'm a child-worshipping asshole like everyone else these days, but it made me think back to my childhood when nobody wore a helmet except the slow kids and the pussies who had those over-protective Moms.

We used to attach a pipe to our bikes, stuff it with toilet paper, light it on fire and then ride down the hill hitting a board propped up on a cinder block going 20 miles an hour, and there were no helmets involved. Evel Knievel and Fonzie could suck my pre-pubescent dick when I rolled down that hill on my Huffy, and if I went ass over elbows into the grass then so be it.

There was one kid in my friend's neighborhood, who really needed a helmet though. He was one of those kids who was in general population at school, but really should have been in special-ed. The type of kid who took shop eight periods a day, but couldn't build a simple fucking box if his life depended on it. One day we're hanging out and we hear this clank, clank clank, and then we see a horse dragging a fucking bicycle down the street. Ten minutes later this kid comes limping by all jacked up and bleeding. This Darwin award winner tied his bike to his horse. It must have been a gold star day in the Eisler household. Boy wonder was well on his way to a life bagging groceries at Safeway.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to look into buying a new bike, some wood and a cinder block.

Take Off to the Great White North

2010-03-04T17:06:00.006-05:00

Well, I'm finally back from Vancouver. I was the third guy in the four man bobsled in case you didn't know. As a little kid I used to ride in the laundry basket down the steps and then later in life I fell in love with cuddling up next to three spandex clad guys, so I decided to combine my interests and bobsledding seemed to fit the bill. Ok, ok, that's stories not entirely true, I'll admit it, I never used to ride in the laundry basket.

Speaking of the Olympics and Canada, I think my brother and I were meant to be Canadian. We love hockey, beer, bacon and donuts and we both have that dark sense of humor. By dark sense of humor I mean we like dick and fart jokes, especially when a dead guy is involved. My sense of humor had a lot to do with my childhood love of the movie Strange Brew, which I still quote to this day, although the wife doesn't appreciate my Bob and Doug McKenzie prowess as much as my brother.

Speaking of Strang Brew, in 7th grade apparently I was "gifted" so they asked me to read the morning announcements. Things went well for a few months and then I started interjecting random eh's and Koolookookookoo-koo-koo-koo's in between sports scores and lunch menus and suddenly they stopped asking me to read the morning announcements. My Adrian Cronauer days were over, so I guess being gifted was OK as long as you didn't have a fucking personality to go along with it. Thus began my lifelong struggle with "The Man".

Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my brother, he's a genius he hooked up our stereo eh?

Ordinary Average Guy

2010-02-15T16:36:00.027-05:00

Time for yet another installment of the 19 things I think I know, or more appropriately shit I observe or think about from time to time.

1. If my ankle doesn't start to heal soon, I fear I'll be walking like Ratso from Midnight Cowboy for the rest of my life.

2. Johnny Weir won't discuss his sexuality, but I'm betting that he has an asshole like the Holland Tunnel, not that there's anything wrong with that.

3. What's over 5 feet tall, white, and irritating as hell to look at several days in a row?

Answer: The snow in my driveway, although I also would have accepted Bob Costas.

4. My wife and I had lunch on her one day off alone. I think it might be time to join co-dependency anonymous.

5. At 38 trying to finish before your toddler walks into the bedroom is almost as difficult as being 16 and trying not to finish before your girlfriend walks into the bedroom.

6. The Pens are good enough to win the cup again, but I'm not sure if they are consistent enough to get it done this year. (Nothing humorous or interesting here, just the last time I predicted the Steelers would lose in the playoffs and they won it all, so I'm hoping for the same result.)

7. When a large black man and a Paula Dean look-alike are having brunch together and she says to him "You can get whatever you want on the menu" and he orders mimosas, there is definitely some Grandma cougar pay-to-play going on.

8. My daughter asked me what the Kinks song "Lola" was about, and instead of saying sometimes Daddy's dress up like Mommy's, I just said it was about a girl who liked Coca-cola. She said she didn't like girls who drank Coca-cola. Maybe I should have gone the other way.

9. Jesus is Mexican. No, not the lord and savior, I'm talking about the chef at the Japanese restaurant they tried to pass off as Asian last night.

10. Modern Family is my favorite sitcom these days. Phil (The Dad) talking to his kids about Jagermeister: "You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."

11. After the Georgian luger died at the Olympics they moved the men's starting position down to where the women start. Do they think that hitting a steel pole at 75 miles an hour rather than 90 miles an hour would have made a difference?

12. I find Native American culture extremely fucking annoying.

13. My wife doesn't consider discussing my favorite South Park moments appropriate foreplay. (For the record it was the one where Randy was on Wheel of Fortune. YouTube it if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

14. I don't know which was better the music or Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart.

15. Getting a snow day where you can drink beer and watch movies = awesomeness. Getting a snow day where you drink root beer and watch 10 straight hours of Barney = the exact opposite of awesomeness.

16. My size 40 "skinny" jeans are starting to get tight and I can almost fit a stack of quarters into my belly-button, so it might finally be time for the diet and exercise regimen to kick in.

17. I had a dream that I lived in a housing project and I was discussing with a neighbor how I didn't think that black chick's had nice tits. Unbelievably, I wasn't able to find this in Freud's book "The Interpretation of Dreams".

18. My brother-in-law booked a hotel room on the Vegas strip for three nights and the total was $56. Something tells me that I'm either going to end up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney or ass-raped and left for dead by the street gang MS-13. (Big props to the History Channel's Gangland for that last reference)

19. Per Chad Dukes on 106.7 the Fan "If you are out on the snowy roads and you have your hazards on, guess what, YOU ARE THE FUCKING HAZARD!" Truer words have never been spoken.

So that's what has been on my mind lately. Now if you'll excuse me I need to look into purchasing a bio-hazard protection suit for this Vegas trip.

People Are Strange, When You're a Stranger

2010-02-08T14:44:00.007-05:00

This past weekend I ventured out to the Verizon Center in Washington DC to see the Pens play the Caps. As usual the game was awesome even though the Pens lost in OT, but the real entertainment came in the form of the rare beauty of a dude sitting next to me. Because of the 30" snow storm several seats were empty leaving just three of us in our row. My Dad, me and let's call him the boy wonder. He was one of those guys who looks sort of normal, but in reality was probably 20 years old when he was in the 8th grade. He totally had that stocky retard-strong look to him, the type of kid you don't want to end up alone with in a suburban basement.

Even though we have the entire row to ourselves he remains sitting right next to me, and I notice throughout the game that he is watching me out of the corner of his eye. I try to offer some friendly banter, but I get nothing back except the old stink eye. The Pens are up 4-1 and I'm feeling pretty good, but I can tell that boy wonder is stewing.

During the second period intermission the Caps marketing team throws out these T-shirts from the rafters that are attached to parachutes. One lands on this seven year old kid's back in front of us and boy wonder gets the eye of the tiger, swoops in, grabs it and starts admiring it like Gollum looking at his preciousss. The grandma of the kid turns around says several times "Hey, that's my kids shirt." Boy wonder says nothing, gets up and heads to the bathroom. In my head I'm like holy shit this is going to be fucking great.

He comes back from the bathroom wearing the goddamn Caps t-shirt, which is two sizes two small for his frame and he's gripping the parachute much the same way Lenny from Of Mice and Men holds small animals. The third period is under way, the Caps start making their comeback and boy wonder goes into rare form. He starts throwing these fist pumps in the air like he's on the Jersey Shore beating up the beat. With every goal the Caps score he starts spazzing out more and more.

Finally, my Dad has to bolt to make it back to Delaware to catch a train to Boston, so now I'm alone in an empty row with boy wonder and we're sitting right next to each other as if we're on a fucking Make-a-Wish date. The Caps get a power play in OT and he starts pounding his chest and jumping up and down like a downs syndrome version of King Kong. Finally, the Caps score the game winner and I'm out of there faster than an unveiled woman at a Taliban gathering.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to watch some in-depth documentary to get the vision of boy wonder screaming at the scoreboard "Unleash the Fury!" out of my head.

These Boots are Made for Walking

2010-02-01T18:24:00.004-05:00

It has been noted in this blog, that I've had my share of surgeries and emergency room visits over the years, and I added one to the list over the weekend. Sometime last week I trekked up and down the numerous stairs in my townhouse carrying all kinds of heavy shit like I was Magnus ver Magnussen working over some German slob in a late night strong man competition on the ESPN Nordic channel. I felt fine when I went to bed, but by the time I woke up it was like Annie Wilkes from Misery paid me a late night visit to brush up on her hobbling skills.

After checking my symptoms on WebMD, I was convinced that I had a rare form of Leukemia and if I didn't get it checked out immediately I would lose my leg. So the wife and I braved the snow and cold to spend a romantic afternoon at the Reston E.R. Unfortunately, I got the deer in the headlights doctor, whose pants were pulled up to his nipples and he offered absolutely no advice or help. Like a hack psychiatrist he just repeated everything I said back to me, "Doc it's sore between the Achilles and the growth plate." "I see so it's sore right over here between the Achilles tendon and the growth plate." Is there a fucking echo in here? Luckily, he did offer up the good drugs and as usual I played dumb.

Doc: Do you need something stronger than Advil for the pain?"

Me: I think so, it hurts pretty bad.

Doc: Have you ever taken Vicodin before?

Me: I'm not sure, is that something I should take with food?

Doc: Yes, it may irritate your stomach, if you don't.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking fuck no I'm not taking it with food, that ruins the buzz. Pass the Crown, and let's party bitches! As I left the hospital, I realized that I learned nothing about my injury, but I cared less because the Vicodin fog was rolling in.

We headed straight to Target, so that I could keep the V-fog nice and thick. Of course I got there just as the pharmacy closed. Luckily, I caught the chick leaving the pharmacy and like a crazed junkie I begged her to hook me up, and she obliged. Then, she only charged me $5 for two prescriptions. Best drug dealer ever! I spent the remainder of the weekend petting unicorns and hoping that Skittles would fall from the rainbow colored skies.

Finally, this afternoon I saw the specialist. The office was packed with so many people hobbling around, that I had a flashback to the medical unit in Da Nang in '69. After completing a mountain of useless paperwork saying I wouldn't sue them if they ass raped me while I was living in the V-fog, they escorted me back to the little room with the paper on the bed.

The alpha male doc came in and asked me to work the runway. Apparently, I failed the field sobriety test and he fitted me for a boot and ordered me to do physical therapy for 2 weeks. Fuck me! You know how good it feels when you take your ski boots off after a day on the mountain? Yeah, well wearing this boot is the opposite of that. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a Better Off Dead dream tonight. "He's skiing on one ski!"

Now if you'll excuse me I need to paint some bitchin' flames on this boot, so everyone at physical therapy knows what a bad-ass I am.

My Angel is a Centerfold

2010-01-26T19:19:00.007-05:00

I've been a Playboy subscriber for 5 years now, and while the wife doesn't give me shit for most of my vices, she has hinted that it's time for me to give up my best porno mag. And by hinted, I mean she said "You're a Dad now, put that shit away". Now I must decide if I want to be the creepy old guy who reads Playboy on the shitter much to the chagrin of the Mrs. and the horror of his daughter, or do I want to give up the only magazine I actually read cover to cover. Being a selfish prick, I'll probably hold out for a few more years before acquiescing.

But let's face it, Playboy is hardly pornography. On the list of approved spank material, Playboy is somewhere between the Victoria Secret catalog and watching a Lady Ga Ga video. Warning! Old man about to give the famous "When I was a kid..." speech.

When I was a kid you had to work to see the goods. I would stay up until 4:00 in the morning if the movie on Skinemax advertised even the slightest hint of nudity. I wouldn't go to the bathroom for fear I would miss the three seconds of nipple-vision, and if the movie was rated Strong Sexual Content, forget it, I wasn't leaving the couch unless Richard Simmons was standing there trying to stick his bloody dick in my ear.

Today kids are spoiled when it comes to porn. They don't have to sit through hours of shitty movies to see some boobies. They can watch German circus clowns fuck chickens while quoting Knight Rider with just two mouse clicks. Two Girls One Cup is practically soft-core to today's youth, but something like that wasn't even on the fucking radar when I was in school. Jealous you say? You bet. If I had access to the internet when I was 14 my forearm would have had a tattoo of an anchor on it.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to throw on the 1984 classic "Hot Dog" and give Shannon Tweed the standing ovation she deserves.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again...

2010-01-20T22:20:00.005-05:00

Craw is back, tell a friend. I know I've been blogging as often as Daniel Day-Lewis makes movies. What no good? Sorry, I'm a little rusty, I know I've been blogging as often as Harper Lee releases novels. Still no good? Let's try this one last time, I know I've been blogging as often as my Grandmother gets laid. There it is, octogenarian penetration humor, now that feels right! It's like riding a goddamn bike people...

I feel like an alcoholic who's been sober for a few months, but is ready to go on a bender. I'm not saying I'll be the post whore of 2008, that guy would have gone down on an AIDS patient if it meant he could get a good blog post out of it, but hopefully I'll get the word to the page at least once a week this year. So you can stop by, read my shit and say to yourself "My life may not be a bowl of cherries but at least I'm not this ass-tard." As a side note adding 'tard' to the end of any curse word instantly makes me smile like a gold medal winner at the Special Olympics.

So there you have it, my Martin Luther King Jr.'s Day resolution, blog once a week and try to have a dream, not about racial equality, but about Jersey Shore chicks getting punched in the face, because that shit is much funnier.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to replace the lube I borrowed from my Grandma, before she gets home from Red Lobster.

Somewhere Around Barstow

2009-10-03T11:28:00.008-04:00

Saturday morning and the wife has abducted our child and run off to Baltimore. What shall I do with my freedom? First up, the book store. Apparently, the website I used to write for All Music released a book a few years back and my reviews are part of the collection. Being an avid narcissist I roll into Borders like I'm a regular goddamn Hunter S. Thompson. Of course the book isn't in stock so I roll out of the music section like the regular goddamn douche that I am.

I can never find shit in bookstores, maybe it's related to growing up on the Dewey Decimal system, or the fact that there are 9000 sub categories of genres these days. I end up wandering around aimlessly like an anorexic tween at an all you can eat buffet.

I read the blog Dad Gone Mad pretty regularly and he just wrote a book, so I figure I'll check it out. Of course I can't find it and I end up asking the overly well-read condescending sales clerk to help me. "Sir you are looking in Self Help and that book is in Biography & Memoires which is over next to Mind, Body and Spirit." My mouth said "oh cool thanks", but my eyes said, "well fuck me, how could I have ever been so stupid, thank you for showing me the error of my ways fucktard". Maybe the Dewey Decimal system wasn't so bad after all.

I finally find the book and meander over to the cash register, which is another nightmare of epic proportions. There is one overweight scholarly guy working and he is Mr. Chatty Kathy. "Ma'am this book is a great choice, but you should really read his early work when he was a bartender in a small Ethiopian village. His prose is just superb for a boy who was raised on just 19 cents a day." Dude c'mon, you have a line going here that rivals Hands Across America and you're chatting up this suburban house frau like you're long lost pen pals. I've played entire games of Monopoly that have taken less time than getting out of this store. My freedom is slipping away, and all I can do is stand here and watch your sweaty upper lip move up and down.

Finally, I get up to the counter make absolutely no eye contact and conduct my transaction with as little engagement as possible. I head out to the car excited to have yet another book that will end up sitting on my coffee table for months completely unread.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to hit up Chipotle and spend some quality time watching football sans pants.

There's a Football in the Air

2009-08-31T16:43:00.004-04:00

My Uncle works for the Pittsburgh Steelers, so being one of his favorite nephews I get some sweet benefits out of the relationship. One of which, is occasionally getting to work in the locker room. For the pre-season game against the Redskins at FedEx field, I was assigned the job of ball boy.

We got to the stadium around 3:00 and made sure that the locker room was all set for the players when they started arriving around 4:30. The players filed in, started getting dressed, and it was immediately apparent who were the veterans and who were the guys trying to make the team. The rookie guys had that deer in the headlights look in their eyes. You could tell they needed something, but weren’t really sure who to ask for what. After hanging with the team for an hour or so I had my meeting with the officials.

The Redskins ball boys were all veterans who had been doing it since Theismann and Riggins were playing. This was actually a good thing, because there is a whole system to getting balls in and out of the game that I was completely unaware of. We all huddled up outside of the official’s locker room and the side judge explained the deal to all of us. If the ball goes out here, you get me the ball here. Make sure you have enough Steelers balls at all times. You have to toss the balls in underhand, no overhand throws. On long passes you have to sprint down the sideline to make sure I have a ball for the next play. Holy shit, guys! I expected to hang out with Jeff Reed as kicked into a net on the sidelines all game, and suddenly I have all of this responsibility.

I headed out to the Steelers sideline for the start of the game and the Redskins guy looks at me and says “Do you have the balls?” Panic! All of the introductions are going on, the crowd is going nuts and I’m running through the pyrotechnics and stiff-arming cheerleaders trying to get back to the locker room to grab the game balls. I finally get back to the field and the main Redskins ball boy who has been doing this for 20 years looks at me and says have you been practicing your throws. Practicing my throws? I was informed about the ball boy thing two hours ago! He looks at me and shakes his head like he just found out the hooker in the front seat next to him had TMJ.

The game starts and when the Skins have the ball I get to chill, which is nice. I get to watch the game, see how the coaches work and check out the cheerleaders. When the Steelers have the ball I need to stand about 12 yards from scrimmage and wait to see which side of the field the play ends up on. It’s raining so I’m trying to keep the three balls I’m holding dry, I need to stay out of the way of the coaches and cameramen all while not getting killed by the players who are two feet away from me. Head on a swivel my friend, head on a swivel.

Because of an ankle injury Big Ben isn’t playing, but a few minutes into the first quarter he comes down the sidelines and asks to see the Steelers balls. He says that Batch said they were a little flat. I toss him a couple and he pushes in a good sized dent. When I got the balls back I tested them and I couldn’t push the ball in at all, and I click a mouse all day long, so you know my fingers are tough.

By the end of the first half I start getting into a rhythm, but the amount of concentration involved took some of the fun out of being on the sidelines for the game. Right before the first half was over, Jeff Reed is about to kick a field goal and Troy Polamalu leans over to me and asks how long the kick was. I say 54 yards like he and I have been poker buddies for years. He smiles and says “It’s good”. That’s a drawback to working the locker room and sidelines, you don’t get to be a super fan. You have to act like the guys you’d sacrifice your first born child to watch play every Sunday are just average dudes. Kind of hard to do when they are in the locker room talking about how “these are my Super Bowl pants, make sure you get these back to me for my trophy case”. Shit dude, I might have to steal those for my trophy case.

The locker room is pristine before a game, but afterwards it gets ugly in a hurry. Media, very large sweaty men and equipment guys are everywhere. I started grabbing bags of gear and piling them up to be loaded onto the trucks. Excuse me Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, step aside man with an extremely large black penis, I’ve got a job to do. It takes about an hour to get everything done and then it’s time to call it a night. I’m sweating like the new white guy in prison, exhausted from my first exercise of 2009 and extremely excited to sit in FedEx traffic smelling like an offensive lineman’s jock.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need re-watch the game, so I can catch a glimpse of myself sporting extremely white tennis shoes and pacing the sidelines like a Chris Rock stand-up routine.

Scars of Pain

2009-08-30T16:30:00.006-04:00

A couple of weeks ago the wife and I made the trek out into the Atlantic Ocean to spend a few days in Bermuda. As many of you know, I don’t mess around with injuries when I’m on vacation, I like to knock them out on day one or two, so that they have the best chance at ruining the rest of my trip. In this particular instance day one was the winner.

After a morning of snorkeling in the warm, crystal clear blue-green waters, I came home to take a quick shower before heading into town. With a face full of soap I reached down to grab the bottle of shampoo and whickety-whack it felt like I took a Mike Tyson round house to my right eye. I touched my hand to my forehead hoping for the best but expecting the worst, and there it was a nice handful of blood. Apparently, the hot water knob on the shower wall didn’t like the cut of my jib, so it decided to open me up. I started screaming for Amy and she pulled back the curtain to a scene from Psycho. I was sitting naked on the floor of the shower, soaking wet with blood running all over my face. Go ahead and take a moment to soak in that visual. So sexy!

She handed me a towel and I held it to my face with one hand while drying off enough to get dressed with the other. At this point I look at the cut in the mirror and I am thinking stitches all the way. I had an injury in Aruba several years ago, and the doctor made me pay $300 cash on the spot, so I wasn’t looking forward to another tropical island hospital visit. After getting the cut to stop bleeding and letting a few people look at it, the decision was made to wait and see how it looked the next morning.

The next day I got up and it seemed pretty good. It officially put an end to my snorkeling expeditions, but at least I was still able to swim in the ocean and the pool for the last few days. Yet another vacation scar for the collection. Between my knee, my hernia surgeries and now my eye, I have a sweet Frankenstein look going. A few more trips abroad and I’ll be the only guy still alive who is guaranteed a closed-casket ceremony.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to work on a better story than smashing my face on a shower knob. Maybe something along the lines of a knife fight with a surly lesbian over a bullshit Scrabble word or head-butting a tiger shark who had his jaws embedded in a Bermudian princess’s torso.

Cover Me

2009-08-04T17:33:00.003-04:00

Over the years I’ve seen several tribute bands for groups like Rush, AC/DC, DMB, Jimmy Buffett, U2 and it’s always a strange phenomenon. So when Sunday night rolled around and the Guns-n-Roses tribute band “Appetite for Destruction” was playing down the street I agreed to go because it was cheap, it was close and I felt like channeling my late 80’s white male testosterone into rocking out to some old school G-n-R.

We rolled to club and grabbed some seats about half way back in the venue. We were there about ten minutes when this black chick struts in wearing full on Gene Simmons, God of Thunder, over-sized, KISS boots, tights and an old Guns t-shirt. On my list of things that I expected to see at the show that night, a sister sporting old school hard rock gear was just below a drag queen dressed as Dolly Parton carrying a dwarf in a Baby Bjorn.

The opening band came out, and they had an L.A. Guns meets The Crow vibe going on. It must be weird being a band playing original music trying to make a name for yourself and you have to open for a group that plays dress up and mimics an already successful band. “Dude, I heard that you’re opening for Guns-n-Roses, that rocks!”… “Uh, not really, we’re opening for a Guns-n-Roses tribute band.” *Crickets*

Show time! They open with “Welcome to the Jungle” and they sounded great and looked the part. They tore through most of the Appetite for Destruction and Lies albums, although one of the few songs they didn’t play was my personal pick track for the night “My Michelle”. What a gip! For most of the evening we were three rows back on the Izzy Stradlin and Duff McKagen wannabe’s side of the stage. After a couple of hours reveling in our throwback rock and roll fantasies, the night came to a close and I have to admit that they were actually tighter than the real G-n-R I saw back in ’91.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to find my way out of this jungle because I don’t want to die.

The Price is Wrong, Bitch!

2009-07-31T16:54:00.005-04:00

Ok, now that I’m retired from the music game, I have some free time to immerse myself in the iTunes app store. If you have an iPhone or iPod Touch then this post may be of interest to you. If you don’t, then maybe it’s time for you to put down your outdated piece of shit phone, grow a pair and head on out to the Apple store to get hooked up.

Here is a list of my top 10 apps. Keep in mind that I am not a full fledged app geek, and I’m sure there are a ton of great apps that are not listed here. Please feel free to leave a comment with your favorites.

I am omitting the obvious stuff like Google and Facebook and trying to dig just a smidge deeper into the catalog. Did I really just say smidge? Am I a 50 year old housewife who got her own cooking show? “Bake at 425 and then add a smidge of cinnamon to top it off”. Shoot me now!

10. FML (Fuck My Life) – I like this app when I need a little pick me up during the day. Here is one of my favorites: “I was messing around with my boyfriend who was ignoring me and I said to him ‘you could at least pretend to love me’ and he replied ‘I pretend to love you all the time’ -FML”

9. The Price is Right – This app has everything except the fat fucks with the retarded homemade t-shirts sloppily rolling down the aisle to contestant row. You get to “come on down”, play some classic games like Plinko, spin the big wheel and rock the showcase showdown. What more do you want for the sale price of $.99. Just don’t bid a dollar for this one or you’ll get the dreaded “ehh-ehh-ehh, sorry you’ve all over bid”.

8. Toobz – Even though I often have a large exposed crack, I am not an actual plumber. In this puzzle game, you connect various shaped pipes to try and get the water off of the grid. Just like in real life, don’t lay your pipe the wrong way or things could get drippy.

7. Lyrics+ - This is a new one for me, but it shows the lyrics to the songs you play from your music library. This is a great app for settling disputes over misheard lyrics. “Did he just say ‘tip them in the bacon cut?” “Uh, no he said “tip ‘em and they make a cut”. Good, cuz a dollar bill jammed into your bacon cut might pinch a little.

6. Stone Loops! - I have to admit I was skeptical of this one at first. It sounded, for lack of a better phrase, really fucking gay, but once I played it, I was in the game. It has the old Space Invaders game concept of destroying all of them before they destroy you. If you have a nice long drive or flight coming up, this one will kill the time like a bullet to Morris Day's temple!

5. Flight Control – I always thought that I had the personality to be a air traffic controller, but it’s obvious after playing this game that I’ve killed way too many brain cells to be in that profession. This game makes you land various aircraft of different sizes and speeds onto the appropriate areas of the screen. Just like learning a foreign language, it seems easy at first but after a few minutes you are fucked.

4. iheartradio – I’ve lived in various parts of the country over the years, and in each city I’ve found at least one radio station that wasn’t total dog shit. This app lets you listen to radio stations from different cities. It really takes me back in time to when I was a poor Mexican child listening to La Bomba while picking oranges in East L.A.

3. Wurdle – Change the settings to 6x6 and make the shortest word 4 letters and you are ready to rock this Boggle rip off. My grandmother just turned 169 and she stays sharp by doing crossword puzzles. Well, that and masturbating twice a day, but hey who doesn’t do that right? I use this game instead of doing crossword puzzles to focus the mind, and make myself feel smart while making the wife feel dumb.

2. Paper Toss – This is yet another app that my brother turned me onto. If Wurdle sharpens your mind like a number two pencil, then this will break the point off and make you dumber than Daisy from VH1. This game is addictive like huffing paint, and it kills about as many brain cells, but you find yourself coming back to it over and over again. You flick a wadded up paper ball into a waste basket while adjusting for wind that comes from a fan. Like my daughter says while quoting Yo! Gabba, Gabba “Try it you’ll like it!”

1. Shazam – This is the fucking rock star of the app store. You click it, hold your phone up to any music that is playing and it gives you the artist, album, lyrics and lets you buy it immediately. I was on the shitter the other day and a commercial came on with a tune that I liked and I had the song on my iPhone before I flushed. That my friends, is what you call a cock strong, game changing app, and get this, it’s free.

So there you have it my top 10 apps. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to pass on this showcase showdown and pray for a new car and a Broyhill Dinette set in the next one.

Time to Move On

2009-07-29T18:34:00.002-04:00

It’s official, my career as the music guru is officially over. Last week on a message board I was called out to suggest some new music and for the first time since I was 16, I had nothing to say. I’ve only been to two concerts so far this year, and they were both company sponsored events with bands that I had little to no interest in seeing. I listen to talk radio more than my iPod these days, and when I do play the iPod it’s more “Chicken Dance” and “Itsy Bitsy Spider” than it is “For Those About to Rock We Salute You” and “Mama Kin”. Like Bret Favre, I still want to play, but the time has come to hang it up.

Gone are the days when I’d look forward to new releases like Kate Moss looks forward to her next coke score. Gone are the days when I’d sleep out in the snow at the local mall for concert tickets, waiting for the music store geek to let us in so that I could crash next to the Orange Julius until the tickets went on sale. Gone are the days when I’d spend hours on a Saturday afternoon at the used CD store rummaging through the plethora of Ace of Base and Hootie and the Blowfish discs looking for that elusive Doors import that you couldn’t buy in the US. Gone are the days seeing up and coming bands in old asbestos infested warehouses crammed together with the other 50 who were “in the know”. Gone are the days hanging backstage drinking beers with the band and mingling with the music industry folks. Gone are the days writing reviews for music sites, and pretending that my opinion meant something.

I had a good run. I’ve seen hundreds of great shows and I have enough music to last me a lifetime. I used to manage a record store and I had this guy working for me who was ten times the music lover I will ever be and he would always say with that kid on Christmas morning look in his eye “Dude, you have to listen to this album it will take you to worlds”, and he was usually right.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to put on my headphones, crank up the Tom Petty and re-organize my concert ticket stubs. After all I’m not dead, just retired.

“It's time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it's time to get going”

Wake up Maggie

2009-07-08T16:44:00.002-04:00

Warning, this will be a Daddy post for all of you non-breeders.

The other morning Maggie discovered the differences between boys and girls. I was trying to sneak into the guest bedroom when I heard “Daddy I’m Awake!” So I went into her room, sans clothes, and she immediately points at my junk and goes ‘What’s that Daddy?”. I said “Honey this is a giant cock”, well that’s what I thought, what I actually said was “That’s a penis”. She then paused for a brief second grabbed her crotch and said, “Daddy, I don’t have a penis”. Which was pretty impressive, considering she had her pajamas on which blocked her visual. Using the famous Kindergarten Cop quote I went on to explain that boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

Then we had to go through the entire family trying to figure out which were boys and which were girls. It’s 6:45 AM on a Tuesday morning and I’m naked talking to a two year old about everyone’s genitalia. “Yes honey, Uncle Bruce has a penis, except when he orders the ‘light and fancy’ at the Virginia Kitchen” “No sweetie, even though Aunt Jen excels at sports and could probably pin a small bear in a wrestling match, she does not have a penis that I know of.” Finally, I just broke into her favorite song, Oh Canada, she lost her train of thought and I was able to slip into the shower.

With the penis confrontation behind me, it appears that another battle is brewing at my house between my OCD and my daughters. I thought it was cute when she needed to touch pictures on her way out of school, and it was cool that she and her Mommy had a morning routine, where she has to do things a certain way, but now her OCD has conflicted with mine and it is on like Donkey Kong.

As you may know from a previous post, the lamp post in our front yard has a rod through it and I need it to be centered, after all I am a Libra. Well, my little miss sunshine gets out of the car the other day and yells “Daddy stick”. So I take her over to the lamp post and she pushes it all to one side. We start towards the house and I reach back and push it to the center. “Daddy NOOOO!” She then pushes it all the way to one side again. I give in and leave it be, knowing full well that it will bug the shit out of me until she goes to bed. The next day we get home and the same thing happens. I’ve decided to keep the peace for now, but if she starts turning over the change in my car from heads to tails, then she better be wearing comfortable shoes for her walk home.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to prepare for the closing ceremonies of my week long tribute to the man with one glove who liked to grab crotches. No, not Michael Jackson, I’m talking about my hernia doctor. Turn your head, cough, and then give me a hee-hee-oooh!

The Bang Blended in with the Day

2009-07-06T18:50:00.002-04:00

Fourth of July means only one thing for the Crawford clan, a week of alcohol and mayhem at my Uncle’s house in Pittsburgh. We had representatives from nine states come together in an effort to kill brain cells, get fat on crazy delicious eats and catch up on the latest family gossip. There was also a lot of rough housing going down. I was throwing half naked kids around the pool so often that I expected Chris Hanson to sit me down at any minute.

During our visit, my uncle Vince introduced my brother and me to this little beer joint that was an oasis in the desert of jean shorts and mustachioed men who love their Iron City. From the outside it looked like a little hole in the wall until you walked inside and realized that the micro-brew gods had smiled upon Natrona Heights, PA. Here’s the deal, you grab any beer from the cooler and for $2.50 you can sit at this little bar in the back and imbibe. They track all of the beers you consume and after you drink 25 unique beers you get your name posted. My Uncle said that getting his name on the wall was more rewarding than earning his PHD.

As we headed out of the store I saw a random box of lighters and after picking through a few I saw the Holy Grail. A Daisy Duke/Dukes of Hazzard Zippo lighter. Katherine Bach may not have aged well in real life, but her redneck “come pound me in the back of a car while listing to the Charlie Daniels Band” look from the 80’s was preserved forever on the cover of my new two dollar lighter. SCORE!

Now that I had my lighter it was time to find something to catch on fire. Pack it up boys, it’s off to the liquor store and the fireworks stand. Per my redneck handbook you must always visit the liquor store first, so that your liquor and your explosives are in the proper ratio. On the back of the fireworks box it said, light a fuse, take a shot, count your fingers, repeat. Words to live by my friend. The grand finale of our hillbilly fireworks display ended with me soaking the front row of viewers by doing a cannon ball into the pool ala Shamu. The only way it could have been better is if someone tasered me as I got out of the pool.

Finally, I’ll leave you with an EZ Cheez fail that I realized over the weekend. On the back of the can, it says “For best results, first remove cap.” Absolutely, fucking priceless. I’m not sure what was more sad the fact that they had to print that on the can or the fact that I was eating EZ Cheez and reading the directions.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to open up an ice cold Tommyknocker Maple Nut and fire up the Daisy Duke a few hundred times.

The Old Man is Down the Road

2009-06-15T16:41:00.004-04:00

Holy shit what a weekend!

Friday:
The Pens went dancing with Lord Stanley. I watched game seven with the wife alone in our basement to avoid all distractions. I’m not sure how many of you watched it, but in the opening sequence they had members of the NBC crew give their versions of the pre-game speeches in the team’s locker rooms. I’m pretty sure if I had been watching the game with Richard Simmons he would have turned to me and said “Wow, this is really fucking gay” and I would have nodded and said “It sure is. Now pass me my next Deal-a-Meal card bitch, and it better say nachos on it.”

NBC’s awful coverage aside, the game delivered three hours of gut-wrenching drama. I paced, I screamed, I pounded on doors, I prayed to the hockey gods, I lost my mind when Talbot lit the lamp twice and I added yet another layer of disgusting sweat to a jersey that hasn’t been washed since mid-February. Finally, when Crosby lifted the cup I sunk back into my couch and basked in the afterglow, like I just banged a super model.

Saturday:
If you stop by here often enough then you know about my previous TV purchase debacle. Well Saturday morning rolls around and we stroll into Costco for margarita mix, soft pretzels and EZ-Mac, then we leave with a 32” TV for our bedroom.

They don’t have any salespeople at Costco, but they up-sell me every time I go in there. I go in for steaks and come out with a couch. I go in for milk and come out with a Wii. I go in for wine and come out with a monkey that teaches you a foreign language. How does this shit happen? It’s like they brainwash you and by the time you get home it’s too late. You end up just saying fuck it and keeping everything. Because of Costco I find myself saying stupid shit like: “Honey, I need to pick up some day laborers to help move this couch have you seen the goddamn bilingual monkey?”

Sunday:
The day started innocently enough, we went to the grocery store, picked up some lunch and then I sent one little text message to the family “Margaritas and cornhole anyone?” and it was on. In a matter of minutes I had a cold drink in one hand a cornhole bag in the other. After a few games, and a few drinks, the competition escalated into a two-on-two game of whiffle ball. Now, its 85 degrees, we’re playing on blacktop, I’ve had a bunch of sugar and alcohol and I haven’t exercised regularly since Clinton was President. In other words it was the perfect storm for a hospital visit.

My first at bat, I step up to the plate in flip-flops and when I swung my foot rolled over and I jacked up my big toe. It turned bright red and had a nice pool of blood forming under the nail. I called time-out and borrowed some shoes. Being competitive males, we ended up playing a full six inning game. I’m pretty sure that Helen Keller’s Easter egg hunts took less time to complete than this stupid game. In fact I think the girls went inside and watched every single episode of ER and then came back out and we were still in the fourth inning.

We finally called it a day and I rolled inside looking like a black man coming from an Alabama Klan rally. I was sweating, I felt nauseous, there were blisters all over my feet, my big toe was fucked up and I’m pretty sure I was within inches of a heat stroke. I pounded some water and then grabbed a shower that was so cold my junk looked like a stack of dimes. (My brother-in-laws description not mine. I mean his description of his own cold shower experience not of my junk you sick bastards)

We ended up winning the whiffle ball game and all but one round of cornhole on the day. So, let’s all raise a glass to all of the old men who can still bring the heat, even if it means they end up feeling like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. If we keep up this weekend routine I may need to start juicing.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go out and get some Ben Gay, a Penguins Stanley Cup shirt and a banana for that damn monkey.

Trapped

2009-06-12T12:34:00.002-04:00

Last night Amy and I attended her company’s summer event, Elvis Costello at Wolftrap. I quickly realized two things, Wolftrap has become my second favorite concert venue behind Red Rocks and Elvis Costello was one of the worst shows I’ve seen there.

Because I’m a glass full kind of guy let’s start with Wolftrap. As you walk into the venue from the parking lot you pass a series of tents. One is a restaurant, one is for VIP’s and the others are for private events. Because I am VRP (Very Regular Person) and not a VIP we hit the restaurant tent where her company supplied copious amounts of wine in addition to a ridiculously delicious buffet. I had the pork tenderloin and this mac-n-cheese that I would have made sweet love to all night had Amy’s CEO not been there. Don’t even get me started on the dessert tray, I’m getting half a stalk just thinking about it.

The food and drink is all well and good, but here is why Wolftrap is Matchbox Twenty money. They treat you like a fucking adult! You can bring in any kind of alcohol and you can bring in any kind of food. They have picnic tables all over the place and the venue is set against a backdrop of huge ass trees that would make Bob Ross premature ejaculate. You know, if he were still alive and got over his erectile dysfunction. Ok, I made that E.D. part up, but he just looks like a poster child for Viagara. Sometimes you gotta pop a little blue pill before you can successfully touch little boys. Oh snap! Wow, I’m really pissing all over Bob’s grave today. Sorry Bob!

Now that we’ve established the greatness of the Trap, let’s turn our attention to why Elvis Costello sucked dingle-berry covered donkey balls. First off, I like approximately six EC songs and of those tunes maybe 3 are essentials (Veronica, The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes and Peace, Love & Understanding). So he takes the stage and like most aging performers he has a group of about eight other guys with him, and they launch into a series of tunes that would give Bill Monroe a hard on. I seem to be obsessed with dead guys and their junk today. David Carradine must be in my subconscious. Hey, if a guy likes to wear women’s clothes and hang from a noose in a hotel closet while rubbing one out, who am I to judge.

As Costello is plucking away on his third ditty, I fire up the iPhone and look up his setlist from the night before. Well spank my ass and call me Charlie this fucker is going to play 32 songs and we don’t get to a song I know until the encore. Look, I like a little bluegrass as much as the next guy, but if I want to bluegrass out with my huge ass out I’ll go see Sam Bush or David Grisman. Amy is a much bigger fan of EC than I, but luckily she was getting bitter at his back woods versions of the songs she likes too, so we quickly said our good-byes and made a bee line for the exit after an hour or so.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to throw on the Pens Jersey, goalie equipment and prep the noose in my garage for a little ‘Carradine' tribute before the game 7.

Nice Day for a White Wedding

2009-05-26T16:43:00.006-04:00

Sorry, for the long ass post amigos, but it was a loooooong weekend…

The Wedding’s Rockin’ Eve
The ride to Pennsylvania went relatively smoothly. No tickets, very little traffic and being Mr. classy I consumed a bottle of Chateau St. Michelle Riesling from a Gatorade bottle. Sometimes it really is hard to believe that I’m 37 and not 17.

Anyway, we arrived to find everyone out on the patio drinking like it was nickel beer night at a frat house. We were at a golf resort, so one of the non-wedding attendees stumbled over to our table. Obviously, unaware of how much the family likes to fuck with people, he struck up a drunken exchange with our group.

By the end of the conversation we knew that his name was Paul, he was from south Buffalo, he liked Amy’s cousin’s legs and the blacks in Buffalo were only good for emptying garbage cans. In turn, the grandfather of the aforementioned cousin with great legs, informed Paul that she had five kids by five different fathers and that one of them would qualify for emptying garbage cans in south Buffalo. Feeling a little embarrassed, he bought us a pitcher of beer and stumbled back inside. Then, we all laughed and laughed because we totally lied to him, she only has four kids by three different fathers and they were all Hispanic, not black. High-larious!

Our little party started to break up, leaving just a few of us guys to finish off the beers. As we were about to call it a night, he showed back up with his buddies, whom he must of told there were a bunch of hot chicks on the patio. The look on Paul’s face when he realized that it was just a bunch of dudes at our table was priceless. His buddies started crushing him as if they’d caught him on his knees in the men’s bathroom.

The Wedding
Trying to contain my two year old in a big church during the ceremony, was a lot like wrestling a midget covered in baby oil, only my daughter didn’t have the stubby sausage fingers and oversized head to grab onto. In addition to being uber-squirmy she also took the opportunity to test her outside voice by constantly yelling, “I see Kenny! I see Kenny!”

I think I spent approximately eight minutes inside the actual wedding, and the rest of the time I was in the lobby trying to keep my little anti-Christ from desecrating everything sacred that was below four feet high. Honey, please take Mickey Mouse out of the holy water. Yes, I know he’s dirty but that’s not a bath. C’mon baby, please stop pounding on Jesus’ feet like you’re taking part in his crucifixion. Sweety, it’s cute how you sang happy birthday before blowing out all of the candles, but those are prayer candles and beloved Uncle Steve is probably not going to survive his motorcycle accident thanks to you. Darling, I know you’re a big Kathy Griffin fan, but this isn’t the place to be yelling “Suck it Jesus!”

After we went up and down the church steps 19 times, I marched her into the men’s bathroom, so that I could shake the dew off the lily. As I was taking care of business, the anti-Christ walked up to the urinal next to me and proceeded to grab the urinal cake. I screamed NOOOOOOOO! Then, I zipped up and turned around to see her putting a goldfish in her mouth. I immediately turned into an audience member at the Apollo. “Ooooh damn baby, no you di-int just do that. Ohhhhh snap! Yo mamma’s gonna kill me.” I immediately took her to the sink and scrubbed her hands like I was Lady Macbeth, but by then the damage was done and I could only pray that the confessional upstairs was open for business.

Maggie, Someday you will be on your therapist’s couch and you’ll have this nagging memory about something bad happening to you involving a father and a church basement bathroom. For the record I want you to know that you weren’t touched inappropriately by a priest. You gave yourself First Communion using the water and a deodorizing cake from a urinal while your father stood next to you pissing and screaming at you like a little girl. Um, yeah, good luck with that.

I’ll give you all a minute to choke down that little bit of throw up in your mouth before we move on.

The Reception
The Crown was flowing and the band led by a cross between Patrick Swayze and Richard Dean Anderson AKA MacGyver, was pumping out your standard list of wedding favorites. After the festivities started to wrap up the party moved to the patio where a man sporting an accordion got the Polish version of the reception underway. Standing across the way was a woman who had one of those disposable cameras and she was just cranking out the pictures of her accordion hero.

Like J.D. in scrubs, I had one of those cutaway moments in my head to the drug store photo counter, where the sarcastic teenage clerk was like “It’s Monday, here comes Alice again. I’m guessing it was another crazy weekend. Wow, what a shocker, 24 glossy prints of a man playing an accordion. These are going to look great in her scrapbook next to the other 685 photos that we’ve processed this year of her musical idol.”

Also, I’m pretty sure someone said the guys name was Jim, so for the rest of the night the phrase “Accordion to Jim” was running through my head. For the record, how has that show been on the air for eight seasons? I don’t know a single person who watches it, yet every week I flip through the channels and there’s Jim Belushi saying something not funny and collecting a nice fat paycheck. Hey Jimbo, I bet you’re glad that your much more talented brother did himself in. Now you and Joaquin Phoenix can toast to your success at your brothers expenses. What? Still too soon?

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go give my daughter her penicillin bath, while saying a few Hail Mary’s.

Here's your moment of zen. Mr. classy rockin' the Pens jersey at the reception:

Excuse Me Please, Just One More Drink

2009-05-22T16:22:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day weekend is now within reach, so we will be packing up the family truckster and heading to Pittsburgh for a wedding that has the potential to reach epic proportions. I like to think of this event as the alcoholic Super Bowl. Some of the best drinkers in the family will come together in one place to push their imbibing limits. Instead of a guest book they are just going to have a sign up sheet for a liver transplant. Yeah, it’s going to be that kind of weekend.

The only part of the trip that I dread is driving on a holiday weekend. Gas is more expensive, the po-po will be out in full force and so will the slew of pain in the ass drivers. You know what? I think I need to make an executive decision right here, right now. I am just going to let Amy drive, while I pre-game in the front seat. That my friends, is a money fucking call. Strap in the knee-biter, hand the keys to the Mrs., pop the cork, and enjoy the ride.

One of the best road trips I’ve ever had was the drive we made to Atlantic City a few years ago. My brother-in-law and I sat in the back of his Jaguar with an iPod in each of our hands and a cooler between us. We proceeded to get tanked while going song for song for three hours straight. When we got to the hotel, I ran inside to get the room keys and the manager asked me the color and make of the car I was driving. I told him to hold on, that I had to go outside and look.

Then, we proceeded to head up to our room on the illustrious 30th floor. The elevator door opened and we heard a bunch of loud loud voices coming from the penthouse next to our room. As we turn the corner, BAM! A pod of large black hookers looked at us like Maury just announced that we were not the father of their babies. We headed into the room and chilled for approximately 12 seconds and then headed back down to get another room.

Back on the elevator, we found ourselves in a rap video, starring the Three 6 Mafia and a couple of women with questionable morals, sporting dresses that required two hair-do’s to wear out on the town. I’m wedged in the corner with my pillow in one hand and a blue Igloo cooler in the other, not making eye contact with anything but the floor. In my mind I went through my survival techniques, but I couldn’t remember if you make yourself look bigger or play dead when confronted by rappers and ho’s. Ahhhhh, the good times of road trips past.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go create my big-baller playlist for the ride to the Keystone state.

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp
When he tryin’ to get this money for the rent
For the cadillacs and gas money spent
Will have a whole lot of bitches jumpin’ ship

Cult of Personality

2009-05-20T17:18:00.004-04:00

Keep your hands and feet inside the rant ride at all times because it’s go time!

What’s up with women and these product parties they have all the time? The old standard used to be Tupperware, but now they have parties for jeans, jewelry, purses, lingerie, make-up and even sex toys. Although, my wife never gets invited to the sex toys party, she really needs some sluttier friends. I digress.

Last night the wife came home from one of these scarily cultish gatherings with $40 worth of protein shakes. MFWTF? My wife is like 5’ 5” and maybe a buck-twenty soaking wet, which is exactly how I like her. I don’t want to come home from work and find her bench pressing the couch, roid-raging on our daughter and getting zits all over her back. It’s not like my wife even enjoys these parties, she just has a hard time saying no to people, which is what these organizations count on.

The thing that really sucks about these cults/pyramid schemes is that they pray on the naïve and use them to exploit their friends and family. Amway used to be the worst. These people would hold meetings at the pizza place where I worked, and they would give these motivational speeches like they were the goddamn coach in Remember the Titans. The people at these meetings would lose their shit. You could see in their eyes that they were totally brainwashed, kind of like the attendees of those mega-churches on TV. After witnessing a few of these meetings, the Manson murders suddenly started to make a lot of sense.

And surprise, surprise, my military career having, bible-thumping, everyone’s going to hell, Aunt used to sell Amway out of her home. She had an entire basement full of these totally shit products. Every time we visited we got to go into the basement and select something. Ooooh, what a treat! Thanks for the chocolate bar that tastes like an oompa-loompas asshole.

It just blows my mind that so many people have this need to belong so badly that they’ll participate in these scam-driven organizations. I hate to sound misogynistic, but it’s mostly women who buy into this bullshit. I’ve never been playing soccer and had a guy say to me after the game “Hey Erik do you want to come over next Tuesday I’m having a wallet party. It’s going to be great. Just us guys drinking beers, hanging out, and you can pick yourself out a nice new leather tri-fold for only $60.” You don’t see guys driving around in Cadillacs with company messaging all over them and a personalized license plate that says something clever like GR8SALZ, and if you do, then you know their douche-baggery is boundless.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put on some porn and crank up the volume to scare the shit out of these Mormon kids that just came to the door. It’s always a good time when you have adolescent kids dressed alike on bikes talking to you about the joys of finding Jesus with Jenna Jamison screaming "Oh God, fuck me” in the background.

Hey Man, Nice Shot

2009-05-19T19:36:00.004-04:00

I was rolling down the highway at lunch today when an old Collective Soul song came on the radio. So I started thinking about one of the many “Wanna Get Away” moments that I’ve experienced throughout the years.

Back in the mid-nineties I won this radio contest for an autographed guitar from the radio friendly, guitar driven band, Collective Soul. The wife and I arrived at the venue a few hours early and ended up waiting backstage to meet the band. Sitting across from us was a mother and her ten year old son, who had a bandage on his arm and staples in his scalp line. He was one of those kids who had zero athleticism, the kind of kid who strikes out at tee-ball. Skinny, big ears, glasses, buck-teeth, you get the idea. Well apparently he had been mauled by a dog and through some welfare version of Make-a-Wish he was afforded the opportunity to meet his favorite band.

Because I’m an asshole and have very little empathy for goofy kids who get eaten by dogs, I sat there and feigned concern, while they told their story to anyone who would listen. Finally, the band was ready to meet us, so we went into the main concert area as they were finishing up their sound check. “Whoooaaaaaooooaaoooooaaaa heaven let your light shine down….” One by one I made small talk with each member the band and had them sharpie up my new guitar. Then it happened.

As I was getting my last autograph, I blindly swung the guitar around and cracked this kid right in the fucking head. I’m pretty sure he took a tuning peg to one of his staples. Wanna get away? Everyone gasps, my heart falls into my shoes, and his mother looks me in the eye and says “Don’t worry about it, he’s so hopped up on drugs he probably didn’t feel a thing.” I wanted to just give this kid my guitar on the spot, but in addition to being heartless, I am also selfish, so I just apologized profusely and quickly made my way out to the car.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to dress Maggie up as a steak and have her antagonize the Rottweiler down the street so that I, I mean, so that she can meet her favorite progressive rock band, Rush.

Saturday Night and You’re Still Hanging Around

2009-05-18T16:45:00.003-04:00

Saturday night might be alright for fighting, but this past Saturday night it was all about rocking out. I joined a cover band called the Herndon Thugs and we played from eight to midnight at Payne’s Billiards and Lounge. In fact we were so well received we ended up playing a special impromptu set on Sunday for all of the fans who didn’t get enough of us the night before. We tore through a set list that included everything from Duran Duran to Radiohead to The Killers. A lot of you might be thinking to yourselves, “Erik in a band? He is virtually tone deaf, has the vocal skills of Linda McCartney and his formal musical training ended with him playing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ on the recorder in fourth grade, how could he possibly be in a band?” I’ll tell you how, through the magic of Rock Band for the Wii.

That’s right folks, I channeled my inner rock star for two days of peace, love and music in a basement in Herndon this past weekend. I started off the evening drinking my new concoction “The Crawdaddye” (Absolut Citron, Peach Schnopps, Mailbu Rum and Cranberry juice) Yes, it’s a foo-foo drink, but it’s perfect for sitting on the back porch on a warm spring day. Don’t judge me people! As the darkness descended upon us we put the little one to bed, mixed a few more adult beverages, did a shot of Goldschlager and the rock band was ready to get come out swinging. Then we all dropped some peyote and went out the desert to become a tribe of musical warriors. Oh wait, that wasn’t us, that was The Doors in that Oliver Stone flick.

For the next four hours we all took turns wailing on guitars, thumping the bass, pounding the skins and shrieking out the vocals to popular songs from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. As a general rule, when the entire family is eating pizza and wings at midnight on a Saturday to avoid the morning hangovers, you know it’s been a good night.

As good as the evening was, I would like suggest a few upgrades for the next Rock Band release.

1. A Keyboard. WTF? Without a keyboard you basically eliminate all Billy Joel and Elton John tunes and 90% of the hits from the 80’s. I certainly can’t run so far away without a keyboard. At the very least hook me up with a keytar!

2. A Cowbell. You just can’t give “Don’t Fear the Reaper” or Mississippi Queen” the justice they deserve without a cowbell. Besides I have the perfect look and musical prowess for cowbell rock. Is there anything sexier than a burly, bearded guy wearing sunglasses and a wife-beater while synchronizing his cowbell beats with pelvic thrusts? Of course there isn’t!

3. Backup Singers. What Motown song is complete without backup singers? At the very least hook me with a second microphone so that we can add an Oates to the Hall, a Ridgely to the Michaels and a Captain to the Tenille. Please give me the option to do a “Your Kiss is On My List” – “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” – “Love Will Keep Us Together” medley.

Finally, on the way home there was this car in front of us with two guys in the backseat wearing cowboy hats. The car was swerving a bit in my estimation, but the wife said that maybe my eyes were swerving because she didn’t see it. I told her that anytime it’s after midnight on a Saturday and there are cowboys packed into the back of a car, they’ve definitely been riding the Red Bull and vodka for more than eight seconds and singing “It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go purchase some makeup, leather and spandex for the next Herndon Thugs gig.

Return to Sender

2009-05-14T11:58:00.002-04:00

Now that the trees have bloomed and the temperature has steadily climbed, it’s time for that late spring tradition, playoff hockey. To celebrate the Pens run in the playoffs, the wife and I agreed to get a new TV, and by agreed I mean I held a pillow over her face until she tapped out. Obviously, two iPhones, three iPods and three flat-screen TV’s are not enough for two adults, we needed to get just one more. The Sharp 52” Aquos had become to me, what the Red Ryder Ranger Model Air Rifle was to Ralphie in A Christmas Story.

Ever since my brother-in-law picked one of these bad boys up last summer there was an indescribable tingling in my nether region every time we walked by it at Costco. With the permission slip from my wife in hand, I proudly walked into the warehouse grabbed the “big” slat cart, you know the one reserved for all of the Asians who own restaurants, where they pile so much food on them they look like they’re preparing for a UN mission to Somalia. Then, I rolled over to the TV area where a gaggle of dudes were just staring like 10 year old boys seeing their first pair of boobies. I loaded it up as the rest of the men looked at me and then started the slow clap like at the end of Revenge of the Nerds. I’m pretty sure I even heard one of them yell “Way to go Paula” as I walked away. (That was An Officer and a Gentlemen reference in case you aren’t up on your Richard Gere movies. I celebrate his entire catalogue.)

After checking out, I wheeled the big dog to the car only to discover that it didn’t fit in the backseat. Bitter! With the rain pouring down on me, my joy turned to stress. Fuck it, I shoved two thirds of it into the back of the car and then left the hatch up for the drive home. Normally, this wouldn’t have been a big deal, but the rain was soaking the box and the Lexus beeps constantly if you leave a door open. If this weren’t annoying enough, getting out of the Costco parking lot on a weekend is like playing Frogger while navigating the maze of hedges in The Shining. Fucking move people!

Finally, we get the holy grail of TV’s into our house and like a Geek Squad tech on crystal meth I have it set up in the basement in a matter of seconds. I plop down onto the couch, hit the on switch, and then it happened. Just like Ralphie, I shot my eye out. As much as I wanted it to work, this TV was just too big for the room. Then, I started trying to re-arrange the furniture to force the issue. If we just move that desk, scoot the couch, get rid of the recliner, knock down that wall and look through binoculars backwards we can do this. C’mon people work with me!

In the end, even though the hoo-oars tits on Rock of Love looked spectacular, we decided to box it back up and return it. Watching a grown man return a big flat-screen TV is like watching Vada at the end of My Girl yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and re-write my theme on what I want for Christmas. “What I want for Christmas….Well, I wanted a Sharp Aquos 52” TV, but we just couldn’t make that work now could we? So instead, I am getting granite countertops. I’m pretty sure that I can’t watch hockey in HD on a granite countertop, but I can dice some onions and peppers, so at least I got that going for me.”

I Eat More Chicken Any Man Ever Seen

2009-05-07T20:48:00.003-04:00

The 14th wedding anniversary was quite the special one for the little lady. To kick off the evenings festivities we had a guy come in to measure our countertops. Which you’d think might take 10-15 minutes at most, and you’d have thought wrong. First off we told the guy at the store that we wouldn’t be home until 4:30. When the appointment was confirmed the day before, we told the guy we wouldn’t be home until 4:30. Then the day of the measuring he calls me at 3:30, “I’m at your house!”. Uh, yeah dude, I have a meeting and have to pick up my knee-biter, so I’ll see you at 4:30, like we discussed. Then I get home at 4:30 and this jagoff doesn’t show up until 5:00. MFWTF?

After he gets there, I’m thinking he whips out a measuring tape and bickety-bam it’s done, not so much. He measures and measures and measures and then brings in this laser thing and measures some more. There are questions about backsplashes, overhang and sinks. All of which I am unprepared to answer, because this is the wife’s project. Per the handyman’s guide to procrastination, he goes to his truck five times, and each time Maggie says “Buh-Bye!”, then I explain that he’s coming back and she goes “No coming back!”

Finally, he rolls out and Amy rolls in with some KFC, and not just any old KFC, but absolutely free KFC thanks to their internet promotion. This high society, black tie affair has just been taken to another level. We inhale the dead bird, taters, slaw and biscuits like we were in training to be competitive eaters.

After Maggie went to bed the romantic evening continued down in the man cave. We cuddled up on the couch, stared into each others eyes, and settled in for a quiet evening of playoff hockey! I whispered little sweet nothings in her ear like “The last time I saw a fucking hook like that it was in a fishes mouth!” “C’mon Eaton force him to the corner and bend him over like the little bitch he is!” “Billy G is not my lover, unless he scores the game winner!”

Once the thrilling overtime game was in the books, we headed upstairs to find that Maggie had soaked through her diaper onto her bedding. We sprang into action like Dale Jr.’s pit crew. “You get the bed and I’ll get the kid. Grab me that fitted sheet! Diaper is on, jammies are in progress. Bed is ready! Drop the kid in the crib. Done! Go! Go! Go!”. We are a well oiled machine when it comes to late night bedding changes. I think Amy might have been a maid a La Quinta in her previous life. Of course it took us 8 years to get pregnant, so then again maybe not.

Well that about does it for the big 14th anniversary. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go practice my hospital corners and try to get the maid to fluff up my pillow. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Don't Take That Attitude to Your Grave

2009-04-30T12:17:00.000-04:00

I don’t want to turn this forum into one of the many “Daddy” blogs that are out there, but since I spend over half of my free time servicing this kid, I do need to bring her into the mix every now and then.

Tuesday night, we’re in a nice deep sleep and we hear “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”, per the parental handbook I ignore it and hope that she goes back to sleep. A few minutes pass and then there it is again “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”. I go into her room and she is staring through her crib slats at the dresser where her shoes are sitting. “Daddy shoo-oo-oo-es!”. Really? It’s 2:30 in the morning and you woke me up because you wanted to wear your shoes? Then, I start projecting motivations on to her. Well, maybe she wants to be prepared in case there’s a fire, or maybe she plans on running a half marathon while we sleep. Here you go honey, just remember to shut the garage door when you leave.

Like most of my parenting decisions it ends up that I let her do what she wants and wait to see how it turns out. I realize that this is not the best strategy, but being a micro-managing parent really isn’t my style. Hey, if she wants to eat grilled cheese for dinner every night for a month, so be it, at least she’s eating something. There’s a reason the same four items are on every kids menu, it’s all they will fucking eat. Although, some places try to be clever and throw in some random uppity dish for the snobby parents. “Honey, you can have chicken nuggets, spaghetti, a hot dog, mac-n-cheese or a plate if unagi.” Really? My kid won’t eat a green bean, I’m pretty sure she’s not going to knock down a plate of eel rolls.

Then, last night we’re in her playroom and Amy tells her she can’t stand on the couch and in the blink of an eye she turns around with her chest out, head cocked to the side and she goes “WHY?”. There it was. Three little letters hanging in the air for an eternity. Her first “Why”. It wasn’t so much what she said, but how she said it. It had that white trash “You don’t know me!” attitude to it. She may as well have told my wife to go fuck herself with a Marlboro red dangling from her lips. The sarcastic asshole side of me that always questions authority was proud of her, but the parent side of me knew that we were on a slippery slope.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a grilled cheese to make and a toddler who is in training for next year’s Boston marathon.

Indian Outlaw

2009-04-21T16:54:00.005-04:00

I wanted to let everyone know that Maggie is doing well and on her way back to a full recovery. In fact, we watched the critically acclaimed, Slumdog Millionaire together the other night. Maggie just loves the Oscar winners. I always say “Mickey Mouse or Schindler’s List?”, and she goes with Spielberg over Disney every time. It’s so cute the way she whispers in my ear “The list is life”, before she goes to sleep. I smile, shake my finger at her and say “Achtung Juden”, and then we just laugh and laugh.

Anyway, I thought that Slumdog Millionaire was as good as advertised, but it also reminded me that I never want to visit India. I’m ready to start mowing people down after going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, so it would take me about five minutes in New Delhi before I snapped and started shooting anything that smelled like curry.

I guess it’s all about the lifestyle that you become accustomed to. Once you have certain luxuries, there’s no going back. Here is a short list of things that I have become accustomed to, that I now can’t live without:

1. An iPod - Being able to access every song my heart desires with the flick on my finger is super delicious. If I want to play “Fuck Tha Police” into “Friends in Low Places” into “Don’t Fear the Reaper”, while playing Flight Control I can make that happen.

2. HD - You just can’t appreciate Barbara Walter’s camel toe or how much make-up John Madden has on during MNF, without the clarity that HD provides.

3. High-Speed, Wireless Internet – If I can’t update my Facebook status while sitting on the toilet, then life isn’t worth living.

4. The Victoria Filet at Outback – My standard order goes as follows: The nine ounce Vicky fill-it, medium, yes I know that’s a hot pink center and its money. A house salad with mustard vinaigrette and a baked potato loaded up. Let’s get it on!

5. Texting – It seems like a waste of time to dial the phone just to tell my brother-in-law that Ryan Miller is a big pussy, but with texting not only can I call insult his favorite sports teams I can also include a picture of me wiping my ass with a Buffalo Bills t-shirt. Livin’ the dream!

Finally, I’ll leave you with my random thought of the week:
I was in the grocery store last weekend and I saw an NBA coloring book. The first thing that popped into my head, was that they should sell it with four extra large black crayons and one regular size white one.

Me: Honey, what color crayon do you want to start with?
Maggie: White!
Me: Ok, but remember it only works on the guys behind the 3-point line.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go put on a holocaust flick and break out the big black crayons.

Intergalactic Planetary

2009-04-16T21:07:00.012-04:00

Well, well, well, I hope that most of you enjoyed the spring-like weather today. I was in the bowels of Reston Hospital submitting my child to the E.N.T. gods. As with most couples, my wife is the nurturer and I am assigned the dirty work. So Amy got to hold Maggie all day, then I came in and took her to the O.R.

Before I was able to go into the operating area I had to put on a rockin' see-through jumpsuit. As I was suiting up, I looked at Amy and said "How awesome would it be if I were naked underneath? Just walking around pediatrics in my see-through jump suit waving to everyone like Bozo the clown on Saturday Morning TV." She said, that would so not be awesome, and might even be a felony. So I aborted the plan and posed for some Beastie Boys inspired photos instead.

In the O.R. Maggie got the gas, but it wasn't sealed tight, so I got a nice inhalation of the magic vapors. As I was fighting through the knockout gas, this cougar of a nurse was pressed against me holding the mask and my hands were inches from her "area". Now, I'm trying my hardest to be an adult, but in my head I'm just thinking, aaaaaawkward! A few seconds later Maggie was on the table in la la land, the cougar nurse was setting up shop, and I was headed for the door.

I got some lunch with the wife, while Maggie got her surgery on. After an about 90 minutes she was done, and so were we. Time to roll on up to the room. WTF? This was no Loudoun hospital. No flat screens, no DVD players and no PS3's. Just a 15" TV and a VCR. A fucking VCR! How am I supposed to watch Survivor on this thing? C'mon Reston, let's get in the game. How is a child supposed to heal under these conditions? How can a child truly mend it's broken spirit watching 1980's VHS tapes of violent cartoons? The Horror! The Horror!

Well, that about does it from here. Maggie survived the long day, as did we. Amy is in for a rough night at the hospital, while I am at home writing to all of you. In a few days her drain will be out and the final healing will begin. Hopefully, by the time her birthday rolls around at the end of the month this will all be a distant memory, and everyone will be back in the land of rainbows and unicorns and see-through jump suits.

That's right, you know I kept that bad boy, and will be sporting it every year as a tribute to Reston Hospital!

Cause the music is live like an electric shock
I am known to do the Wop
Also known for the Flintstone Flop
Tammy D getting biz on the crop
Beastie Boys known to let the beat...... drop

It Cuts Like a Knife

2009-04-14T12:51:00.004-04:00

The day we have dreaded is finally upon us. On Wednesday morning Maggie goes in for surgery to remove her cyst and part of the bone in her neck. Ouch! The weird thing is that she has no idea what is even in store for her. She’ll wake up in the morning thinking she is going to daycare and then bam! No breakfast, no morning routine, just whisked into the car, taken to the hospital and within an hour she’ll be prepped and ready for her procedure. It’s good that she doesn’t have to worry about it, and she won’t remember it as she gets older, but on some level that has to fuck with you a little bit.

Can you imagine if your spouse said, “Hey, I need to get something at Target, do you want to come?”? So you get in the car, and then they take you to a hospital, drug you and cut open your neck. The next time your spouse says “Hey, do you want to go to Target?” you’re going to be like; “Fucking nooooooo! In fact from now on I’m driving everywhere to avoid these little surgery games you like to play. I’m just glad you didn’t ask me to go to Dick’s Sporting Goods or I probably would’ve woken up neutered.”

On the upside, to make myself feel better for allowing a stranger to dice up my kid’s throat, I picked up an iPhone this week. If you need to alleviate any guilt for causing your kid’s pain, there’s an app for that. If you want to become more involved and actually assist the Dr. performing the surgery, there’s an app for that. If you want to see what the hot nurse looks like naked, well there’s no app needed for that, just a dirty mind, so I’m in luck.

Well, it’s about time for me to jump on the medical rollercoaster, I promise to keep my hands and feet inside the ride at all times and I’ll try not to vomit on the person next to me. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on some Bob Marley and download the fast forward 24 hours app. ---

Rise up this mornin',

Smiled with the rising sun,

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singin' sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true,

Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:

"Singin’, "Don't worry 'bout a thing,

'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Blinded By The Light

2009-04-13T16:37:00.003-04:00

On my way home I was listening to the radio and they were talking about movies, TV shows or books that traumatized you as a kid. So here are a couple that come to mind.

The movie that traumatized me the most growing up was Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If you haven’t seen the movie, the premise is that aliens plant these pods and they grow a clone of you when you sleep. Then you die and your clone becomes part of society until all of the humans are gone and only clones remain.

Apparently, my baby-sitter felt this was perfectly appropriate viewing material for a seven year old. As much as I love Donald Sutherland, to this day I don’t want to get with 100 yards of him. Although, it’s a toss up as to which is more traumatizing his screech at the end of the movie or his bare ass in Animal House.

The TV show that scarred me the most as a child was Little House on the Prairie. There was an episode where Mary Ingalls wakes up in the middle of the night and she is totally blind. She wasn’t kicked by a mule, she didn’t fall on a rake, she didn’t masturbate too much, that I know of, she just went blind for no good reason at all.

As a kid, I was like holy fucking shit you can just go to bed all la-dee-da-dee and then wickety-wack, you’re blind? She just woke up and started screaming “Pa! I can’t see! Pa! I can’t see!”. A couple of weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night and the power had gone out, so I started screaming “Pa! I can’t see! Pa! I can’t see!”.

Finally, I will leave you with my embarrassing moment of the day. I was meeting Amy at Chili’s for lunch and I was a few minutes early, so I decided to fix the driver seat in our car. It had become difficult to move back and forth, so I sprayed some WD-40 onto the tracks. As I got out of the car I smelled my fingers to see if they had WD-40 on them. I looked up there was this hot young chick in her car who gave me the biggest “I can’t believe you just did that, you disgusting pig!” look of all time. I guess from her point of view it looked like I reached down between my legs and then got out of the car and took a big ol’ sniff. I wanted to yell at her “I didn’t scratch-n-sniff!”, but figured that would be even creepier.

Does this shit happen to other people or just me? Well, if you’ll excuse me I need to go wash this misguided judgment off of me and try to picture something other than Donald Sutherland’s crack. Here's a picture of Mary Ingalls for you. I can't tell if she is blind here or not, because she pretty much wore that retarded grin on her face for the entire series.

Brain Droppings

2009-04-10T12:47:00.002-04:00

Good Friday! I came to the realization this morning that I am too old and too big to play Jesus in the re-enactment of the crucifixion. Not that I am religious in any way, nor have I ever wanted to participate in such an activity, but this is some of the weird shit I think about when I’m in the car alone. Do you think if Jesus had lived another 10 years or so he would have let himself go, kind of like Elvis? Would there be a debate as to what image of Jesus to use, old, fat Jesus or young, skinny Jesus? Michelangelo what are your plans for the Sistine Chapel? “Dude, it’s a big ceiling so I am going to go with the old, fat Jesus to cover more space, maybe put him on a plush, cross-shaped couch eating a greasy turkey leg and drinking some righteous wine.” And yes, it is a little known fact that Michelangelo was the Renaissance’s version of Jeff Spicolli.

Being Mr. Observant, I noticed for the first time that my dryer has a light inside of it. This struck me as a bit unnecessary. I don’t know about you crazy bitches, but I tend to do my laundry with the lights on. I’ve never been standing in front of my dryer going; “Are there clothes in there? Is that Amy’s underwear or a dryer sheet? Hello? I can’t see shit, if only this thing had a light in it.”

Before I fall asleep every night I have these weird thought progressions that usually end up with me asking Amy some random question. Last night I was thinking about having to refill the gumball machine on my desk with Reece’s Pieces, which led to E.T., which led to Drew Barrymore, which led to the documentary “My date with Drew” where the guy gave her a Snoopy Snow Cone machine, which led to thinking about what kind of dog Snoopy was, which led to beagles, which led me to Amy’s roommate in college who had a beagle, which led me to think about the time we went with her to a Billy Joel concert, which led to other concerts I saw in college which led to the random question:

Do you remember when we went to see Jimmy Buffet in college and that drunk chick beside us was blowing that guy in the rain? And he gave us a look like “I tried to stop her, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do”. Good times.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this gem:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1905976

Now, if you’ll excuse I need to beat the church traffic, so I can get my cheeseburger on at Fuddruckers.

19 Things I Think I Know

2009-04-07T21:12:00.004-04:00

Hola amigos. Here is my first installment of "19 Things" for '09. enjoy!

1. I hate myself for watching Rock of Love on VH1, the same way that fat chicks hate themselves for eating an entire box of Krispy Kremes.

2. I tweeted on twitter using twhirl and it twasn’t all it’s twacked up to be.

3. My daughter is addicted to the chicken dance song, which means I have to listen to it over and over and over in the car. Not only do I have to listen to it, but I have to do the dance to appease the little one. Amusing for her, creepy for other drivers who can't see her through the tinted windows.

4. Having Comcast as my cable and internet provider makes me want to strangle kittens. Verizon Fios, you are on my speed dial as soon as hockey season is over.

5. When you and one other car are speeding together down the highway and a cop pulls out, it is always better when they pull the other guy over. Sorry, to the dude with the blue tooth headset in the silver Acura, but you got the short end of the stick.

6. Eating Long John Silvers twice in one day catches up with you… Arrrrgghhhh!

7. Anytime you are doing shots with strangers after 11:00 PM on a Thursday night, Friday is going to be one long ass day of struggling to survive.

8. I have to start watching what I do around Maggie. I faked a smack to Amy’s face with a plastic baseball bat and then Maggie proceeded to pick up the bat and beat Amy down like she was Rodney King.

9. Buying a digital camera that actually takes a picture without a 3 second delay is soooo worth the money. My porn site, I mean my pictures of my daughter are going to be so much better now.

10. At Chipotle the most underated protein is the Carnitas. Just because Jules from Pulp Fiction doesn't dig on swine, doesn't mean you can't enjoy some piggy. You can thank me later.

11. In a state of intoxication I rocked an old school boy band dance to “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe, much the same as Turk did on Scrubs, except that I’m white and have no rhythm. I wonder how long this ‘L’ will be on my forehead.

12. The “Welcome to Virginia” signs might be the worst in the country. They have this stupid cardinal on them and they look like they were painted in some remedial art class at the state penitentiary. C’mon Virginia, tighten up and at least put something on the sign that represents the state like never-ending traffic or a drunk, frat guy smoking a cigarette.

13. It might be sad, but often my biggest challenge of the day is trying to come up with something witty for my Facebook status.

14. Panama by Van Halen is the greatest work out song of all time, and anyone who says otherwise is just fucking wrong!

15. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve driven on the PA turnpike when it hasn’t been raining or snowing.

16. Ever since I saw Mickey Mouse going off on the Jonas Brothers on South Park, I have a hard time watching the Mickey Mouse club with Maggie. I keep expecting him to lose his shit and tear Donald Duck a new asshole.

17. I just found out that my cousin’s brother-in-law is dating Ginnifer Goodwin AKA Margene from Big Love. I wonder what it would take to get him to bring her to Pittsburgh for 4th of July. Lucky bastard!

18. A guy on my team at work grew a Fu Manchu mustache. I’ve always wanted to shave down to that form, but one guy on the team with a Fu Manchu is sweet, two guys on the team with Fu Manchus and the Mrs. might start checking my pockets for receipts to the Backdoor Leather Company.

19. Maggie fell down a couple steps the other day and a small part of me wanted to say “See, I told you so”.

Smokin'

2009-04-06T16:39:00.007-04:00

So, how was your Sunday night? Did you expose your junk to any Hindus? I did. Yesterday, Maggie had a fever and was pretty listless all day, so we put her to bed early and settled in for a night of Tivo. After, a few hours of awesomely bad TV, we walked through the usual nightly routine and crawled into bed. Goodnight Ben. Goodnight Erin. Goodnight Mary-Ellen. Goodnight John Boy! All is peaceful at the Crawford abode.

Fifteen minutes later the smoke detector chirps. Maybe it was a fluke, let’s wait it out…chirp. Uggghhh! I get out of my warm bed, throw on my boxers and run down two flights of stairs to get the ladder from the garage. Our detector is about 12 feet off the ground on a vaulted ceiling, nice call home builders. I manage to stand with one leg on the top rung of the ladder and the other on the top of the door frame. I glance down and notice that my blinds are open, so the Indians across the way (dots not feathers) have a great view of my Bahliwood. I look at Amy and say Slumdog Millionaire, more like, Slumdog Underwear. HAHAHA, see what I did there, I changed Millionaire to underwear, because they’re Indian and I was in my underwear. Let me know when they create a show called “I Know I Am Funnier Than a Fifth Grader”, because I would totally win that shit.

Anyway, I manage to unscrew the detector and get the battery out. Victory! Put away the ladder and crawl back into my bed. Two minutes later…chirp. Son of a bitch! It’s midnight, I am half naked, sweaty, wearing my glasses and growing oh so bitter by the minute. I go downstairs to get a new battery, but we are out of 9-volts. I steal one from the baby monitor and of course I have to test it by putting my tongue between the two nodes. Oh, that familiar tingle, we are in business. Now that it’s wet, I also have to check it on each of my nipples. Ooh yeah, we have a live one here, but no time for simple pleasures, its fireman Craw time.

I climb the ladder, replace the battery, connect it back to the ceiling and jump back under the covers. Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…chirp. This time, my mind starts messing with me, was it this detector or was it one of the other three that are within five feet of each other on our top floor? Let the hearing test begin. Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…chirp. Ok, I don’t think it was in here, close that door and let’s listen again. Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…chirp. It was definitely in here! So I break out the ladder and go into my Cirque du Soleil balancing act. This time I press the reset button on the detector, it shrieks like a ten year old girl playing dodge-ball and then it’s silent. Ok, let’s see if that worked. Wait for it…chirp! Fuck me, back up the ladder I go.

This time I take out the battery, disconnect the detector from the ceiling and throw it on the bed. Once again we shut down shop and get ready to sleep…chirp. Really? Much like Dick Clark, this thing just won’t die. I take this piece of shit alarm into the bathroom, grab the scissors, and like a rookie bomb expert I start randomly cutting wires, red. black, gray, white, anything that looks like it’s connected to something. I throw it away, turn off everything and settle back in. Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…silence. That’s right smoke detector, say my name bitch! I love taunting inanimate objects with irrational requests.

I wish I could say this was my first time in the ring with a smoke detector that wouldn’t die, but that is not the case. I’ve gone many rounds with these circular white discs that seem to do more harm than good. It’s like they sit up there on the ceiling, draining batteries, just waiting for me to cook up some bacon, or settle in for a night’s slumber, and then they scream “Hey, look at me. I am going to annoy the shit out of you for then 20-30 minutes, good luck shutting me off, fucker!” ---

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go apologize to the neighbors and buy a future adversary.

Big City Nights

2009-04-03T16:40:00.007-04:00

My team at work hit our revenue goal last year, so we were treated to a night out in DC. The plan was to leave at 2:30 PM, rock a happy hour for a bit and then roll to the Improv for some comedy, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men. That phrase always struck me as odd. I seriously doubt that mice have plans and if they do, there is no way that they are best laid plans. It’s not like mice sit around and work out detailed instructions on how they are going to get the cheese off of the trap, or maybe they do, what the fuck do I know about the plans of mice?

Anyway, it was a rainy afternoon as we rolled out of the office, and before we hit the happy hour we made a pit stop at one of my co-workers pads that he rents from friends of his parents. From the moment we pulled up to this high-rise tribute to the glitz of 70’s excess I knew the inside would be spectacular. The place was a perfect hybrid of the Jefferson’s apartment building and the interior decoration from the hotel in The Shining. Long gone were the days of key parties, disco music and copious amounts of chest hair, but the stench of cigarettes and bad cologne was etched into the vibrantly patterned carpeting.

After pounding a few beers, we rolled downtown and met up with the rest of the crew. As the drink orders came around I ordered my chardonnay and I could feel the douchy looks, so the next go round I took off my skirt and ordered a Jack and Coke. (Sorry Andy, I know I should be drinking Evan Williams) I’m not a big whiskey guy, but after numbing my taste buds with the first one, the others when down easy, like Drew Bledsoe after 3 seconds in the pocket.

Once we were all liquored up I somehow ended up walking several blocks arm in arm with our order processing chick, who was stumbling like a newborn deer. Once we got to the Improv, I was ready to get my ha-ha on. I ordered another drink and some quesadillas, and as I took my first bite the drama started going down. “Everybody get your stuff we have to go”. WTF? Apparently, the manager felt we were all too intoxicated to be served. So 30 of us got up and emptied out about a third of the joint.

Dude, this is a comedy club with a two drink minimum. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have been on stage dancing, and yes, maybe taking off my shirt was a little gratuitous, and when I grabbed the microphone and called everyone in the audience a bunch of pussies, I may have gone a tad over the line, but c’mon people have a sense of humor. As a comedian don’t you want your audience to be a little sauced? And as a business owner do you really want to just write of 3-5k in sales for a Thursday night? So what should have been a win-win-win situation turned into a long walk back to the original bar where they were glad to serve us. What a gip!

Well, that’s about all for now. The 70’s just called and they need me to return the mirror and razor blade I procured from George and Weezy’s pad.

Fathers Be Good to Your Daughters

2009-03-19T16:46:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was my final day as a single Dad. I have to admit, it was a very solid week for everyone. In fact, I think that some alone time with the old man may have even helped my daughter become a more well-rounded, and biologically informed individual.

Here are 3 things that Moo learned while Mom was away:

1. Everybody has nipples, usually two.
After dinner we were doing some rough housing when she threw up a little bit, so we went upstairs to change our clothes. As I was pulling her arm out of her sleeve she gave me a titty-twister, and then started poking my nips like she was a waiter using a touch screen. I went into a detailed explanation about erectile tissue, blood flow and how they were useful on Mommy’s but pretty much just decoration, like a bedazzled jean jacket, on Daddy’s. I’m not sure she understood my explanation, but she did say “Daddy two nipples”, which also happens to be my mafia name. And yes my daughter talks only using nouns like a foreigner, but hey, titty-twisters are like saving money on car insurance…so easy, even a caveman can do it.

2. Daddy will never be on the Bravo reality series Shear Genius
Maggie’s hair covers her eyes if you don’t pin it back. If you put a baseball hat and a Chico’s Bail Bonds t-shirt on her, she looks a lot like Tanner from the Bad News Bears. The remedy to this situation is to put a small pink band in her hair, wrap it three times, then clip that sectioned piece of hair so tight that even if she is in a knife fight like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, it will stay in place. The first day I only wrapped it twice and when I picked her up from daycare she looked like Nick Nolte’s mugshot. The second day I only used clips and once again Nick Nolte was waiting for me. My final day of hair care I went all hardcore on her and bickety-bam, that shit was tighter than Arte Lange’s pants at Thanksgiving. This time when I went to pick her up everything was in its proper place, thus saving me from reaching for the staple gun.

3. The difference between pooping and farting.
When I fart she says “Daddy Poop” and when she farts she says “Maggie Poop”. With potty training in the near future, I wanted her to have the skills to make the call as to when she needs changed and when she just needs to blame it on Mommy. So I pulled out the fart machine, I purchased from Spencer’s a couple of years ago, and we discussed in great detail, farts vs. poop. As a result of this conversation we also discovered that the keyless entry on the car keys also sets off the fart machine. Now, all I have to do is hide the fart machine in my mother-in-law’s purse and when she goes to open her car, voila, instant hilarity. We didn’t cover sharts this week, because I think that would be beyond her comprehension level, and I don’t think they’ve written a children’s book on sharting yet. Million dollar idea alert: Write a book called “Everybody Sharts”.

That wraps up my week as a single Dad. Now, it’s time to turn my focus to the NCAA tourney and perfecting my French braid technique during the commercials.
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